One week today (or tomorrow, depending on how you look at it).
I never really thought of myself as innocent. But could not see myself as more than a girl. Not exactly a child but not quite a woman either. I dont feel like a girl anymore. Im older, more confident in myself but more afraid of everything around me and much less naive.
My life is still playing out in front of me like a movie in surround sound, is this my new reality or will that fade?

I cant believe its been a whole week. It has gone so fast yet I can hardly remember the person I was before. Like looking at a photograph of an event you know took place but cant actually remember happening. I want to slow down time, go back and savour it, drown in it. I will never get that time back, and I wish so much that I hadnt willed it away, willed the pain to stop.

Is that crazy? To want back the single most awful moments of my life just so that I can be fully present for the loss of my baby? So that I can remember every detail. So that my physical and emotional pain are equal again. I feel so off balance within my soul. Its not right that my heart hurts so much but my body shows no sign of it. I yearn for that physical pain to set it right again.

I thought of getting a tattoo, just a small one on my wrist, as a reminder, something I can see, touch. Something that is with me always and cant be lost or broken. Like a badge on my skin, that says Im a member of this horrible club and my baby mattered, if only to me. But I want the pain of it too. I want to FEEL it and I want it to hurt, so much that my eyes sting with tears and it reminds me Im alive.

A friend said I am brave, that I am a survivour. I dont feel brave. Im holding it together because I dont have a choice. I dont feel like a survivour. A large part of me died with my baby. I will never be that same person again. Never again can I say I am a mother of one without betraying my angel. But I cant say Im a mother of two without inviting pity and well meant comments that cut like a knife.

It's Monday today. The first Monday since. I would have been 5 weeks 2 days instead I am empty and numb. There is nothing left to show of my baby. No us pictures, no HPTs or blood results, no longer bleeding. No proof s/he ever existed. S/he is completely gone and nothing can bring my little one back.

Im struggling to get past 3pm without a nap, is that normal? I quite literally can not keep my eyes open. My body doesnt give me a choice. Not great when when home alone with a 3 year old that needs supervising and never naps.

( Err, reading that back it sounds a bit melodramatic. I didnt mean it like that, I just poured my thoughts onto the page. :/ )