I am so sorry that you have all had to got through these things ontop of your M/C...its is such a hard time anyway and then to have lost friends when you need them the most. I must admit i found the opposite, after sharing my lose with my ABA group i got the most amaing support, and now i am the BEST of friends with one of those girls!
When will people learn that it is impossible to "get over" a m/c.... its your baby, no one would ever think of say to a mother thats child drowned in a pool to just get over it!
I would like to slap the girl that said that she hopes you can make more positive goals! What the.....
I too received some pretty stupid and unthoughtful comments after my losses and that resulted in a change to many of my friendships too. A lot of people just don't get it and say the most hurtful things.
On the other hand, one friend in particular who doesn't have kids and doesn't want kids turned out to be one of my most supportive friends, and I really didn't expect that, so that was good!
I suppose now I have tried to forgive some of the things that were said to me, but I don't think I will ever forget.
I really relate too! People do not get it. Or they dont care enough to even vaguely try and understand. Or they are just stupid! I have had some hurtful comments also, and sometimes just a lack of care or support which hurts. Fortunately I also have a handful of truly good friends and I lean on them when I need to. The others I have stopped having much to do with.
I have just returned to work this week, after my 2nd miscarriage last week- and wish that I hadn't!! I know there is no-one at work who understands how I am feeling at the moment.
Either people have been avoiding me, or saying weird things. I feel like I really don't want to be there, and I am so glad I can come on to BB because I know you all will understand . I also have some beautiful girlfriends who support me. I am the type of person that needs to talk about what I am feeling or going through, so at work, it's really hard.
xx
DS- 16/07/2006 (2 1/2) 28/09/2008 @ 7 weeks 04/02/2009 @ 9 weeks 6 days
Hi,
I went through a similar situation. My dear friend avoided my calls after my mc. I messaged her, left messages on her answering machine etc. none returned.
a week later she called me to tell me she was pg. few weeks later (while I was still recovering from my loss) she started to complain about her pregnancy. she went on and on talking about the fact she couldn't sleep or eat anything and that she remembered then why she hated to be pg... My answer was quite direct: "you should be thankfull that your baby's heart is beating, mine as you know stopped".
She hasn't been a friend since and I can't say I miss her. we have social calls and gathering (our hubbies are good friends) but even her husband is over her. She had a "complaining pg", couldn't stop nagging him and complain about anything.
she is due soon, and yes I will go to see her in hospital with pressie for the newborn, but it's not a close friendship, nor it will ever be again.
Maybe I am harsh, but she have been so tactless!
xxx
I found that some people just don't see to have an understanding of what we are going through when we lose a baby, or don't know how to react and what to say. In most cases I think that they don't intentionally say things to hurt us, or just don't realise how much pain we actually experience.
After my angel left us, I actually asked my best friend if I had given her enough comfort and said and did the right things when she miscarried her first baby (which happened before my angel). I suddenly had a much more real appreciation for what she had gone through and was devastated at the thought that maybe I hadn't been there for her in a way that helped her most. Luckily she said I was a great comfort to her. But it made me realise how hard it can be for people that haven't experienced what we have been through to fully appreciate how it feels and how the things the say and do can affect our grieving and healing processes.
Ellie... what... WHAT!! Oh my goodness! What a stupid woman!! Was she joking? She had to have been joking!! That definately takes the cake.
I'm glad someone started this thread! I've pushed back a couple of good friends because of stupid comments they've made.
A friend of mine who I have known since highschool made a joke about DF and I being related and making deformed babies. Yeah thanks, love.
Another friend keeps telling me that "everything will be all better again once I'm pg". She has a 2 year old. Sometimes I just want to say to her, if your baby died now, would it make you feel better to be pg again? I've been avoiding her like the plague, she's just to overly positive for me, iykwim!
She is also a hairdresser and does my hair, DF and I are TTC again and when I asked her to try and not get anything on my scalp (I know nothing is proven but peice of mind is nice sometimes!) she called me a Hypochondriac, that just made the decision of backing out of the friendship a whole lot easier!
I'm always having an inner debate with myself whether losing a pregnancy has the same affect as losing a born child... Sometimes I think it's similar, but people are to affraid to admit it.
Bun, I have a friend who has no kids, and she surprisingly as been amazing also. She just listens, lets me cry and is such a great support!
28/09/2008 @ 7 weeks
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