I have a girlfriend who was pregnant with her 3rd while I was pregnant with my 2nd. We bumped into each other at 'registration' at the maternity clinic at 11/12 weeks and neither had told the other yet about our pregnancies. As it turned out, I was due the 11th and she was due the 12th of Feb and we were very happy to share the experience together.
My boy was born 7 days late and healthy on the 18th and her boy was born sleeping, 11 days late on the 23rd.
I'd been so busy I hadn't called her since about the 20th and late last night I checked her facebook to see if there was any news and read the terrible status update.
I want to be there for her but is staying away for a little while the best thing to do? With a newborn, I don't go anywhere further than 2 doors up without him so I can't go around for a cuppa and a chat and I'm sure she's in no mood to come visit me. I feel awful and I know it's not my fault that I had a good outcome and she didn't but I don't know how to be there for her without constantly reminding her of her loss.
We were so excited that our boys could be little buddies for each other. As it turned out the names we picked were almost the same which only makes it worse.
How heartbreaking Adele. I would suggest you send her a card and possibly a gift for her babe (maybe a charm bead or something) saying that you heard about her baby and are incredibly sad for her. Let her know you would like to support her in any way you can and leave it at that for now. Contact her again in a few weeks (by facebook maybe, someway she is able to ignore you if she needs to) if you have not heard back and reitterate that you are there should she need you but you understand if she needs her space from you and your baby.
She may feel that it would be too hard to be around you right now. Equally she may feel abandoned by friends who don't know what to say so say nothing at all.
firstly so many thoughts and hugs going to both your friend and yourself
I would send a card letting her know you are there for her, and perhaps a small gift to remember her little boy, willow tree angels are beautiful...
now my circumstances are slightly different than yours, I gave birth to my tiny sleeping daughter on the 23-09-03 my sister gave birth to my nephew on the 24-09-03 I so desperatly wanted to see him to know the world was still spinning to know everything could still be normal I finally got to meet him 2 weeks later and while it was the most gutwrenching moment it is something I will alwasy remember looking into those blue eyes knowing he was here, and my Katy wasn't but I never went thru the why's etc.... I just looked at him and willed him to be healthy to stay strong to help me live my life for my Katy...
anyway what I am trying to say the day will come when your friend is strong enough to meet you little one, my best advice and this is because this si what my sister did to me, is when she is ready let her hold him and then walk away let her smell him let her revel in the feel of a newborn it will make her stronger...
I also would send her a card and maybe even a tiny little gift. I was given a tiny crystal dummy (mine had a pink ribbon on it but I know you can get somes with little blue ribbons) which I think is just gorgeous (not expensive this one as I brought one later for my friend) and a lovely keep sake which isn't in your face either. I'd stay away personally for the time been with your baby as it could rub salt into her wounds that you have your son earthside and she doesn't. In time she will probably love seeing your son as it will remind her of what her son would be like and what he would be getting up to.
My friends mother lost her son at a few days old and now 25years later she still loves looking at a lady from her churches son (whom was born a few days apart) as she said it reminds her of her son and what he would be like (size, age, milestones etc)
Firstly what you said in this post sounds perfect. i would facebook her that exact statement and let her deal with it the way she wants. My first response was to say that it would probably be very healing for her to hold your little man and have a good cry! It will probably be as your son grows that she will feel the greater pain. 1st birthdays and the like....
Good luck and i am so sorry that you have to deal with this at this time too!
Just to let you all know, I sent her a PM last night on facebook and an SMS today saying that I'm thinking of her and the family and I'm here when she feels ready. I'll give it a month and then let her know I'm still thinking of her.
I hope she and I can still be friends but I understand if she finds it too hard.
My son was only just born still this past weekend, and the most comforting thing for me has been being around other babies. I had a huge cuddle with my cousin's one-month-old yesterday, and it cheered me up immensely. Even just after we found out he wouldn't be born alive, because I was on the delivery ward, I could hear other women in labour. I got to hear someone else's baby's first cry, and it was the sweetest sound I'd heard.
However, on Monday (when I had to leave Ianto) hearing the other babies in the ward was upsetting, I will admit that...
How do I support my friend?
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