At 6w5 there was no hb.
At 7w5 there it was 111bpm but measuring 6w
At what should have been 9w1 no hb measuring 6w2
I feel like its my fault because I had a couple of panic attacks and resorted to half a Diaz or that I jinxed it because I had doubts but we had been trying for 14 months and then I wasn't sure- who does that.
Now I'm so scared I'll end up with pnd I don't want to try anymore. I don't know how to deal with this I feel like in going to explode there are so many emotions stuck inside.
I'm confused and one minute I feel like in going to panic the next I'm ok the next I just want to sleep the next I think it isn't fair the next I'm blaming myself.
So much for reduced risk after you see the hb.
I don't understand- my hcg was well over 50000. My progesterone was very high. Why give my bub a heartbeat for 2 days then take it away?
What do I say to dd?
And worse my Doppler arrived today.
How do you try again? How do you move on? The fear?
I'm so sorry for your loss. It does seem like such a cruel trick when you see that beautiful beating heart, only to lose your precious baby days later.
FWIW, everything you're feeling is "normal". I think our emotionals swing so violently after a loss. Be kind to yourself and don't feel you need to justify your feelings. They are what they are. Try not to feel guilty though. These things are so largely out of our hands.
As for how to try again, I don't know. You just do. Sometimes its takes a while to be ready to try again, maybe after feeling initially that you just can't try again. Other times you want to try again straight away. Unfortunately I don't think the fear ever goes away through subsequent pregnancies, but having said that I am on pregnancy No. 10 and for whatever weird reason, I am considerably calmer about this pregnancy than I was about previous ones.
I had the same thing - I lost my baby within days of seeing the HB.
I went through exactly the same emotions and feelings you are... I felt guilty because after trying for 2 years and doing IVF, I wasn't as excited as everyone else.
I think I slept more in the week after my m/c than I ever have in my life. Purely so I didn't have to deal with what was going on in my head.
How do you keep going? Honestly, you just do. Take it hour by hour, minute by minute. Do what you need to do. Sit in the shower and cry. Get out of the house, sit in the sunshine.
Are you in a position where you can talk to a counselor about the way you are feeling? Just to get it out of your head? I found just saying the words outloud to someone external helped me immensely. Even if you sit there and cry for an hour.
LuluHB is right... it may take you a while to want to try again. And that's ok.
I'm sorry for your loss. I just want to echo the other ladies thoughts. I don't know how I functioned but I did, some days like auto pilot, others were much easier.
My first mc was at 9w. I had a D&C on the Thursday and went back to work on the Monday. I needed the distraction. I needed normal things to be going on. I didn't think that going to work was going to be difficult, not thinking for a minute that working in a children's bookshop would mean that pregnant woman would come shopping. It was a disaster really, but I pushed through because I didn't know what else to do. I just had to keep going. Worked well for me until a few weeks later when I came unstuck at my SIL's baby shower. But after that, I just kept going.
First mc, we wanted to try again straight away. We waited six weeks and TTC again. We mc in April and I fell pg in July.
The mc I had this year was earlier, around the 6w mark. While I wasn't as emotionally wrecked (or so I thought) this time around, it has taken until a couple of months back for me to want to TTC. I blamed myself for that one. I have fibroids which up my chance of mc, but I also had a UTI and was on antibiotics (supposedly safe for pregnancy, and prescribed by a pg doctor, but still. Who knows.). So I felt like it was never going to work. It was still hard and emotionally draining, but I feel I recovered quicker mentally second time around, even though it's taken me longer to get back on the TTC bandwagon.
MD - Im so sorry for your loss. My first m/c followed the same rollercoaster ride as your and it hurts like hell after youve seen the heartbeating to be told it has stopped. You are not gulity of anything, m/c is really, really hard and you are reacting in a natural way.
I told DS the truth, it was awful, but I knew I had to. Your DD is still quite young so you shouldnt get too many questions.
As for how you go on...well you just do because you have to, and trying again is an emotional experience.
After speaking to the OB again tonight I gave her the low down on the reports and she said it was ok to not want another scan. Particularly because after the first scan a nurse INSISTED it was a failed pregnancy and told us to decide what to do- then half an hour later the baby was great now 11 days on again no hb. As horrible as it is I couldn't handle another "it's ok" this would be a fear pregnancy. I asked her what the odds are of the scan being wrong (I had both internal and external and it was flat line) she said it was unlikely. Particularly based on size.
I asked her for a d & c. And considering my mental state and how the pregnancy has been she thought it was best and booked me for tomorrow but now I feel selfish. I am in the middle of exams and I don't want the pain and I didn't want to wait.
But now that I think about it - maybe I should let nature take its course. God it's horrible to know that a little life (whose heart did beat) is going to be rubbish - medical or other and so maybe although it wasn't a "baby" medically It would be better to pass the way it needs to when my body is ready to let go I'll know my mind can too.
Was the d & c a mistake?? What did you do??
I've had 1 v birth and 2 d & c laps (for pco) since 2006. Should I be risking another dilation??
TIA
Ps. I'm so thankful for my dd right now - I bet she hasn't felt this loved in awhile with uni I let my quality time slip.
I've had two d&Cs and the rest natural. FWIW, I found the d&cs easier to cope with emotionally than the natural miscarriages, but that's just me and everyone is different.
There is no need to feel selfish. Its your body and right now you're going through hell so whatever it is that you need to do to make your world a little better is right for you.
I found my girls the greatest comfort after my losses too. Hold her tight and enjoy those cuddles. Take care
My first was a D&C, second natural. I felt like things were over and done with quicker with the D&C, could focus on healing. The natural felt like it went on forever and I often wondered if a D&C would have been better.
I walked in teary and didn't have to say who I was- they knew and took me through.
First dr wasn't in, second dr had an emergency and couldn't do it so I had to wait on the head OB who had two emergency c- sections so it was a 5 hour wait to be seen but while waiting there was a girl with two very loving kids and the nurses offered to move me- they really took care of me which was lovely.
I woke pretty much in tears but again they were lovely.
I'm just looking forward to my baby being home and watching a movie with her tonight and hopefully feeling well enough tomorrow to go on a trip to Geelong
I started yoga and meditation since the d & c and tbh the first session I cried like a baby I think it was the first time I really gave myself time to grieve and accept what happened. It felt like closure.
I had been having trouble before as BR would know and it turns out that quitting smoking when I found out I was pregnant was the culprit - one of the lucky people who suffers a depressive episode from it. So I can't help but occasionally think it was the stress I put myself under or the oxazepam I was prescribed and took all of twice, but in saying that I wonder if it was just something telling me it wasn't my time.
So we haven't decided to ttc again yet. We aren't actively trying but I'm not going on the pill either - however I need 3 months to try out zyban to lift my spirit or decide on Zoloft as a back up next time.
I'm very lucky to have my dd and have time off uni now to cherish her a bit more. It took me a long time to be ready to ttc again this time and well at the moment I'm happy with just my wonderful dh and gorgeous dd. it might take some time to decide to go that route again or it could be I don't feel I can do it again (for lots of reasons) but dh is very supportive either way and we are happy (ish lol)
How do you keep going?
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So sorry for your loss.
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