thread: How do you keep going?

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Life Member

    Nov 2003

    How do you keep going?

    Hey girls,

    I was just wondering how you keep going after a m/c when no one around you knew about the pg and they expect things to just be normal when all you want to do is cry. I don't know how to keep acting normal and smiling and do what I am supposed to do every day. I feel so sad and teary when I see pg women or little babies or the pictures of babies that people have on their desks. You'd think it'd be easier to cope with since I have been thru this before, but it kind of makes things even harder. I don't know how to do this.

  2. #2
    Melinda Guest

    Hey matey,

    Honestly, I don't know as there is any "right way" to get through this time. As you know, no one knew about my 2nd m/c either as they didn't know I was PG. Just because you've had 1 m/c doesn't make it any easier either - all the feelings of loss you had from your first loss come flooding back and if anything, you feel even more cursed than ever before IYKWIM? It's such a cruel thing and I don't know as there are any specific details I can give you on how to keep going - the only thing I can be sure of is that you will keep going, as hard as it is, and every day will feel like forever for a while.

    What worked for me may not work for you either and you really need to try and do whatever makes you feel comfortable right now. I simply had to remove myself from the general public for a while as I couldn't cope with it all. In terms of any commitments that you may have, I found it best to just say that I was unable to go due to illness and left it at that. It feels for a while like you have it stamped on your forehead what has happened, and people know something is wrong, but they don't know what, and are bound to ask, and I knew I couldn't cope with re-living it over and over again, so saying I was unwell helped me. It's not a long term solution and I really had to force myself to start getting outdoors again, but by that time I felt like I was a bit more emotionally ready to handle that and going for a short walk somewhere on a regular basis really helped just to clear my head IYKWIM. So perhaps whilst you are in such an acute phase of grief and loss right now, you could just stay home for a week or two....after that you may feel much better about going out and about and interacting. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than if you try to force yourself to do it now. I don't know as that really helps you at's just what worked for me. The most important thing is not to force yourself into situations in which you feel uncomfortable now as it will only compound your feelings even more.

    I don't think I have any other real words of advice to offer on how I personally got through my 2 m/c. All I can say is that it was difficult and a time in my life that I can never forget and I never hope to ever go through that again. As awful as every day seems, and as hard as it is to get out of bed and to do anything at all, you will get by....somehow. How that is depends on you, but you WILL get through, and you will get through with my whole-hearted support.

    Thinking of you.......

  3. #3
    meg Guest

    I would say the same as tootie. I just didn't go out. The thought of leaving the house was so completely overwhelming and when I did go out of the house,everything was a reminder of our loss. I just couldn't go to work, coudln't get out of bed, didn't want to eat etc etc. It does make it harder that you have been through this another time. It makes it so much more unfair, that it could happen again, that you feel so angry at the universe for making you suffer, like one isn't enough.

    I have told quite a few friends about what has been happening for us. I figured that they should know as they would know something was wrong anyway. I also knew that I needed their support, and if they didn't know they couldn't be there for me. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and people have been really supportive, and whilst I haven't told many people all the details, I think it helps when people around you know what you are going through. It is amazing what a difference it makes to know that you have people around you that love you, even if they can't take the pain away, the do remind you that life is worthing living.

    You are going through the acute phase of grieving, so let yourself grieve because you will need to. It will get easier each day, and just because you might become a blubbering mess, and all the sadness can get triggered by the tiny things, it is OK for you to be that in the space if that is where you need to be. It doesn't mean that you will always feel that way. You will get through this, as painful as it is right now. Give yourself permission to be where you need to be, and ask you friends for support if you need it. Huge hugs matey. My tears are still fresh now as I know the hurt and that I cried a river of tears when I was where you are at now.

    Take care and stay in touch if you are able. Let us know if you are just reading but not up to posting as we will keep posting to you.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    Jun 2003

    Angel - Again I am so very sorry for you loss. It's just not fair. I found I didn't cope with life in general after my second m/c. I pretty much shut myself off for a week, and then slowly started to function again, albeit not normally for quite a while. My sister was pregnant at this time too, so it was extremely hard to see her, so I pretty much didn't.

    Dont know what else I can offer except lean on your dh. Helped me a lot.

    Hugs matey

  5. #5
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Nov 2003
    SE Melbourne


    Sweety, I am not sure what to say. I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this, life just isnt fair! Hugs to you and DH!

    As for how to get through this! There is no easy answer, believe me! I wish that someone would come up with a pill to make it all go away. I have to agree with the others, avoid people! I know what you mean about trying to be normal especially since you hadnt told anyone. I had to do the same, what made it even harder was that I didnt tell my Dad either, and since we live with him, it made it even harder to be at home and pretend that everything was normal.

    I found that I avoided people for about 2 weeks each time. I did have 2 close friends, who I did tell, and they were absolutely brilliant and would allow me to cry and be a heaving mess whenever I needed to. It takes time, nothing I say will make it any easier but I have to say that the thing that really helped me was this site and all the friends that I have made through here. I found myself being able to type while bawling my eyes out, just to get all the crap out of my head, really helped. I have also realised that I cant do all of this alone, I need the people here but I am also seeing a counsellor, who has been absolutely brilliant and I am feeling a lot better for it.

    Sending you heaps of love and hugs

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member

    Mar 2004
    Hobart, Tasmania

    Hey Angel


    I'm another one who didn't want to face the world. I knew that I couldn't cope with seeing pg women, or people with their children, so I didn't go too far until I could make it to the car without crying. I ranted a lot, I threw things a lot, and I just sobbed my heart out a lot. I think I had to get a lot of the emotions out before I could face seeing other people. To be honest, some days I still need to stay home because it's too hard. But like Tootie said, you *will* get through it. Somehow. And with all of us here to help you.

    I can't do anything to make it magically better - believe me I would if I could - but I'm here for you if you need anything.

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Life Member

    Nov 2003

    Thank you guys yet again for all of your wonderful advice. You seem to know how to say just the right thing . The last 24 hours have been a doozy for me as you can see by the saga that I just posted in the venting section, so I think I will not be doing any unnecessary socialising/getting out for a little while yet. I have a few old friends who I have been thru a lot with, so I think perhaps they deserve to know, and they can also help me get thru this difficult time.

    I hope we all have happy, healthy bubs in our arms soon.

  8. #8
    kirsty Guest

    Angel, so sorry to hear of your loss. I found that it was different for me as everyone knew we were PG (almost 19wks) but maybe if you have 1 or 2 really close friends that you could tell & then you have them for an extra support network, besides your DH of course. I found talking about what we went through with just a couple of good friends who then knew exactly how I was feeling & why helped me immensely (plus talking to all the wonderful girls on here too!!). I can't imagine how you are feeling, as you said no-one knew, but do whatever makes you feel right. I was another one of the big avoiders & didn't go anywhere I didn't have to go, or to see anyone I didn't want to see. You will work out what is the best thing for you to be able to manage to cope & if you find you don't want to tell anyone what you have gone through, know that there are always people here who will talk & have some idea of how you are feeling about it all.
    Sending you :hugs: & warm thoughts at this time.