I am struggling to process everything so i guess I'll just start from the beginning.
I thought I was "safe" I had such strong pregnancy symptoms, I even had a belly. I started spotting, I still thought I was ok, how could I not be I "felt" pregnant.
Turns out my body was tricking me. I had a blighted ovum. My body was putting all its energy into growing an empty sac - no baby.
My miscarriage was not straighforward so may be TMI for some but here goes.
I had been at the hosptail since 11am it was now 5ish and I was waiting for my 3rd internal ultrasound to confirm the loss of my baby.
After that was done, I started bleeding. A LOT. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for an ob/gyne to sign off on me so I could go home to my little boy. We were sitting with another couple who had just had an early loss and it was nice to connect with them. I had to keep shuffling to the toilet and every time I sat down the blood and clots poured out of me like a tap.
An emergency Dr called me into a little room and asked me how I was and I told him I was bleeding heavily. Next thing I knew I was whisked off to a bed in emergency, gowned up and had a drip in. What was happening, I was meant to be going home to miscarry in peace.
I asked my husband to go and give my number to the girl we met, just wanted her to know I was around if she needed anything.
I was bleeding sooooo much, It was soooo degrading, I was hooked up to so much equipment that I couldn't even change my own "nappies" which I what I was wearing by that stage.
My husband went home to get me a few things. While he was gone I started passing out, god I was scared.
Then the unthinkable happened. I heard a woman being wheeled into emergency, she was breathing funny. I wondered what was wrong with her, and I listened. I listened and I realised she was giving birth, right there in the bed across from me. I listened while she pushed out a screaming baby and was congratulated by all around her.
All I could think was "wow, I must be such an awful mother to be punished like this" It was like I was in hell.
Then my husband returned to my sobbing that I just heard a baby being born, then I passed out again and I almost welcolmed the blackness......
I finally had a D & C at around midnight and things settled down then.
I am feeling kind of philisopical about the loss, but I can't help wondering if the trauma of my hospital experience had left me unable to process my feelings. I feel so cheated that my body tricked me into feeling pregnant for 12 whole weeks - that is not fair. I feel cheated out of the beautiful homebirth that I was planning and I feel sad that my little boy keeps coming up to me and pointing to my belly and saying "bubby in there" I just keep repeating "No sweetheart, bubby was sick and bubby's gone now, no more bubby".
Last edited by cheekymonkey; April 18th, 2010 at 11:20 AM.
Huge hugs to you.
I had a blighted ovum and lost it at 9 weeks. I felt cheated like you, that I was stupid for thinking I was having a baby when I never was, to this day I usually don't tell people it was a BO because I dont want them to discount it as a baby. To me I was having a baby, for those weeks it WAS a baby no matter what happened in the end.
I am so sorry your experience was so awful, I didn't have to go to hospital with mine but can still remember the incredible grief at the loss.
Take care of yourself hun, we are all here for you.
I must say that you did an amazing job and to offer someone else comfort and your number while your going through that is wonderful.
I could not imagine anything worse than what you would have felt hearing that baby being born, i only hope you find your own way to grieve and get through this.
Oh hun, I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know it's a terrible time, and it feels awful to question your body, as well as wonder why it has to happen . Take it easy, and be kind to yourself
I'm so very sorry for your loss and want to send you big hugs. I was very moved by what you wrote. I hope that you are surrounded by love and gentleness right now. Thinking of you.
Thanks for all of your support. I'm having difficulty understanding why some immediate family members haven't even called or texted us at all. I totally understand that they don't know what to say, but saying nothing has left us feeling very alone and unsupported. I recently had an experience when a friend of mine had suffered a loss while I was pregnant. I knew that being around me or talking to me might have been painful for her, but I couldn't just pretend she didn't exsist, that she didn't matter to me. Every few days I just sent her a text saying "I'm thinking of you, I'm here". How hard is that?
Last edited by cheekymonkey; April 18th, 2010 at 11:19 AM.
Lost my baby at 12 weeks
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I'm so sorry to hear your news - look after yourself during this difficult time.
. Take it easy, and be kind to yourself 
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