Has anyone else experinced much conflict/realtionship problems after your Loss

[Char-leighs mum]

As well as dealing with Char-leigh's loss I'm now dealing with family conflict and marriage troubles. This all started at about 4 weeks after losing Char-leigh all because my SIL(more like my bestfriend) took our SD card without us knowing and downloaded the pic's to her pc and was going to get them developed which i found out after her DH let it slip. I had it out with her as I believe she over stepped the mark and had no right to do what she did. She will no longer speak to me or our other children and is happy to ring my DH when he is at work for the goss( we use to do everything together as a family every weekend). This is really putting a lot of extra stress on both myself and DH and has cause lots of fighting between us. I have tried my hardest and done everything possible to mend this with SIL for the sake of my DH and children and she isn't intrested, I have asked him to ask them to take a step back for awhile and he wont do that cause he don't want to lose them as friends or family, the problem is now everytime they are mentioned and I have an opinion about what we are takling about DH jumps down my throat and wont talk to me for days. I have asked that they dont get mentioned in our house but he wont agree to that either. I have suggeusted counselling but in DH eyes I'm the one with the problems not him.
Sorry about the vent but I'm lost and alone, I have no one else to talk to and need so advice.

[alish]

im so sorry you are going through this..

my dh and i had a crappy year last year.. from the stress & heartbreak of the losses and the pressure of ttc again and again.. its hard

i have no advice really, we just worked at it day by day, by trying to do something nice for eachother..

just here to support you! xx

[LionsandBears]

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. You dont need this stress whilst you're grieving. It's really immature when people start the not talking rubbish especially when they're in the wrong.

DH and I have a strong relationship but we still attend counselling. Personally I think it's essential after your baby dies, to help with grief, to monitor depression and to deal with any other issues that arise.

If you and your DH had issues prior to your loss, grief and stress will just make them worse. It sounds like he doesnt validate your feelings which is a major issue in itself. He may think it's your problem but you're in a marriage together and if he values you and values your marriage then what's wrong with getting outside help?

Has your SIL apologised? That's so out of line I'm speechless.

[~StarBright~]

We had HUGE issues with my sister and BIL and BIL's family. My nephew was born a few weeks before we lost Zahra, they were supposed to grow up together and be all close.. and well that didnt work out that way. We attended my sisters birthday a few months later and i had a bit of trouble holding my nephew and being around all the kids that were there, so DH and i took a break from the festivities (it was being held in a function room of a large pub) and went to one of the front bars for a bit. Well we missed the birthday cake, we were rude and i was a bad aunty for not spending more time with my nephew (all from BIL's father)- caused a huge stir where my sister and BIL wouldnt even come back to their own house while we were there... we ended up leaving and driving the three hours home and basically didnt talk them at all for about two years.

We were upset that they didnt "get" that being there was hard for us. They were upset because they saw our actions as rude, and when we were confronted about it, we stood up for how we felt. (there was also some bullcrud about a football game- but i wont get into that!!!!) In hind site, we should have just not gone, bu ti thought THAT would have been rude!!! Can't win!!

I think your SIL probably thought she was doing a good thing with the photos, even though to you she wasnt (and that is fair enough- she should respect your wishes!!!) and your DH is grieving too and his whole world is already way different to how he wants it, so probably to him losing them as friends is more loss than he is ready for right now!!!

I dont know how you can fix this, it sounds like you have tried and they are not willing to try, which is sad because you need support now. I think counselling can help, maybe explain to your DH its more for how to cope with losing Char-leigh, and thats something he could use too. And it would help you to have him there

I think its hard for people on the outside to know what to do to help, or to even be supportive. And so sometimes its easier for them to write you off because then they can forget about some of the pain- lucky them.

[LionsandBears]

And so sometimes its easier for them to write you off because then they can forget about some of the pain- lucky them.

Actually I wonder if this isn't true a lot of the time. Call me paranoid, but I sometimes wonder if it isn't easier for others to "misunderstand" and turn on you than admit to the pain you're in and that is affecting them and that they feel so helpless. Though I truly think it's more because people just DO NOT get it. Which is why they make it about them. Until they know the pain of holding their dead child in their arms (& it's not something I would wish on anyone, however obnoxious), they cannot understand. And they'd rather just not know. So it's easier to make everything your fault instead.

As Starbright said, lucky them.

[kateo]

My SIL went loco after our baby died. She was great for about the first 4 weeks then tried to make much of our loss about her. She really had no understanding at all. Fortunately for us she did not split us with her behaviour like your SIL is doing. My hubby is clever enough to see her for what she actually is.
I honestly think everyone "copes" with the loss of a baby differently so she might actually be behaving badly because she also feels cheated that Char-Leigh is not here to play with her baby.
This in no way makes her behaviour OK but it might be an explaination.
Many husbands don't want to go to counselling. They think it's never going to help them and they feel like they are giving in to the grief instead of fighting it by accepting help. I would see if you can get your hubby to come see a counsellor with you. Tell him it will help you if he comes along with you. Sids are really good for this. We saw a counsellor for about 4 months together then on our own. I still see someone but hubby doesn't feel the need anymore.
Good luck,
Kate

[Char-leighs mum]

No she hasnt apologised cause she believes she has done no wrong, in fact when I fronted her she got really nasty to me and said some nasty things about my family. It wopuld be ok if it was just me she is hurting but my other kids its just not fair on them.
I have been attending counselling since losing Char-leigh which is really helping me but cause DH wont go its not helping us.

[NaeNae]

I STILL have issues with my mother 3 years after losing Nikita. Not as bad as that your SIL needs a good smack in the back of her head. I would have been ROPABLE if someone did that to me over Nikita I swear there would have been bloodied noses and black eyes.

As far as your DH is concerned he needs a good kick up the bum. You and he need to get on the same page as there are LOTS of marriages that breakdown and break up after a loss of a baby. My DH changed completely and stoped being a Mummies boy after our loss because I told him that if he could not support me regardless of whether he likeed it or not, I would leave him as I was better off grieving on my own than having to deal with all the other crap as well.

Do you have a friend you could stay with for a few days just to give you both some space?

I am not sure when you lost your little one, I try to avoid that section of forum as its very painful but I think seeing a counsellor even on your own would be a good thing, Venting to someone else who has their own way of grieving can be very difficult and you really need to be strong for each other.

If your SIL cannot see past herself, well she has shown you her true colours and I say its no loss she sounds like a disrespectful cow. Your DH and her I take it are family and they say bloods thicker than water so I would be very careful about discussing anything with him about her until AFTER you yourself have been through counselling.

hun its a very trying time and you'll find there will be a rollercoaster of these things as you move in your new direction but know the highs and lows will get further and further apart and hopefully you and your DH can weather the storm now as it will pass.

Nae x

[Tegam]

no real advice but wanted to give you support! I can sort of understand what your SIL was trying to do - but i think she over stepped the mark TOTALLY!

[jackpercy57]

I fronted her she got really nasty to me and said some nasty things about my family. It wopuld be ok if it was just me she is hurting but my other kids its just not fair on them