My baby's in the garden - but what happens when we move!?
I?m feeling really distressed, upset and troubled at the moment about this.
My little one died at 11 weeks, 2 days ? just over 2 weeks ago now. We buried our baby in the garden in a beautiful white (cardboard) box. I?m happy to have had the opportunity to have done this as I know many mummies aren?t able to ? and my heart breaks for them??
I?m starting to feel very unsettled and upset about what will happen to my baby when we move. We?re not planning on moving any time soon (could be 5+ yrs), however, I can?t bear the thought of leaving my baby behind for someone to just dig up when they re-landscape or turn our backyard into a pool??!!!!
I just can?t leave my baby behind! It?s not like my baby is a cat or guinea-pig (although I?m going through grief at times that it?s been buried that way) ? (?It? ? I HATE calling my baby that ? but what do I call ?it????? Hubby?s not too ok with naming the baby??). Sorry, you can tell I?ve got a lot on my mind?
Anyway, trying to focus through tears here?..! I rang the SIDS bereavement hotline and a lady suggested that I could dig up the box and put it in a potplant. That way, wherever I live, I can take it with me. She did this when her father died overseas ? she brought back some of his ashes and put them in a pot with a plant. The only thing is ? I?m a little concerned (TMI warning) that the composition of everything could be a bit weird in a pot?? (not sure?.) It would need to be a big-ish pot ? and I?m not sure if that?s going to work in our current garden plan (sounds horrible, but I need to think of that, I suppose.).
Following this lady?s suggestion, I thought that perhaps I could leave our baby box in the ground for now, and when we come to leave, dig down and retrieve the ?area? where my baby would have been and put that soil in a smaller pot with a plant to take with me. [Even this worries me a tad ? how will I know exactly where my baby is? What happens if I leave some behind or can?t find it?]
Does anyone know how long things take to blend with the soil???? (sorry, not the nicest thing to think about right now?..).
I mentioned this to hubby and at first he seemed ok. But then I realised he thought I meant that I would just take some soil from the top of the ground ? not dig down. When I clarified this he thought the idea was morbid ? like digging up a coffin?. BUT I JUST CAN?T LEAVE MY BABY BEHIND! [Big fat "Whaa"]
And now that I?m thinking more about it?.if I do go with the potplant idea, what happens when you need to refresh the soil or transplant it????
I?m finding this so very difficult. Please, please, if anyone has any suggestions, I?d be really grateful right now as I?m just in turmoil about this??
Oh sweetheart! You are obviously very distressed about the thought of leaving your baby behind oneday.
Firstly - you dont have to have a firm plan just yet. But obviously you need to think about your options so that you are comfortable enought with what you might do in the future. Just agree to yourself that you wont do anything you are not comfortable with when/if the time comes to leave your house. That might be enough for just now when you are so raw.
My sister had the same situation and planted a rose on her baby. When they sold the block (several years later) she took cuttings of the rose and has it growing in her new garden. You could think of doing that perhaps.
Also, you buried your little one with love and care and it is natural to think about the impact of time on your little ones remains (sorry - trying to be gentle). You absolutely can take the soil later on when/if you move. Or the plant above your baby, or transplant the soil and remains in a year on the anniversary of your loss perhaps.
There are lots of ways of doing this. You could have a plant above your baby and then have that same plant in each of your new gardens as that babies memorial.
The important thing for right now is that you dont need to do anything but grieve right now. When the time comes you will do what you feel is right. You wont know what that is until then though.
If your hubby is not keen on naming the baby but you feel the need to then come up with a name for yourself and use that name when you talk with your baby or think of them in your heart. It doesnt have to be a boy/girl name, you could call the baby Star or Little-One... Whatever feels right for you.
This is going to take time - be gentle on yourself.
Melody, have you thought of doing it now hun? Before too much time passes and you can't remember exactly where to look? Tanya has a gorgeous big potted willow where she laid little Banjo to rest. But you wouldn't have to have a plant in it - you could have a little Zen garden, with some little pebbles and a figurine and you wont have to worry about transplanting more soil etc.
Last edited by Trillian; June 1st, 2009 at 11:38 AM.
Thank you so much for your words. I've really appreciated them and they've helped a lot. It's been a really difficult thing to think about - however I think I may have come up with an idea that I feel settled about....
When I was talking with my mum about this issue, she came up with a valid point. She gently suggested that I may not really want to be carrying around my baby's remains in a pot to each house I live in. I thought this was a good point as I tried to imagine how I'd feel every time I saw the plant/pot and I think it would be a sad memory and not something that I'd look at with fondness (unlike the woman that made the initial plant/pot suggestion - she had many happy memories of her dad).
Anyway, like you, Rommy'sMummy, my mum said I really didn't have to do anything now. There is no rush. She said things would already have started to break down (I thought it would take years).
Mum suggested burying the remains on my Grandfather?s grave and I thought about the idea of cremating them?..but I?ve figured out that I actually quite like having my baby's remains in my garden at the moment. I don't feel like I want to move them. I was planning on having this baby at home ? and that?s what happened ? my baby was born at home and buried at home.
I still don't feel I want to leave my baby in the garden when I move, so my thought for now is to leave them there and when I do move, dig up a portion of dirt (which will have nothing in it then) and just let it go in the ocean ? to be free.
My baby is buried under the passionfruit vines and so my sister suggested that at each home I live in, that I plant a passionfruit vine in remembrance.
I feel most settled about these ideas and it has helped me to not feel so upset (about that side of things at least).
That is a beautiful idea to take some earth and give it to the ocean, and your sisters idea is just lovely. I'm glad you have found some peace with this
it seems you have found some peace with your decision.
i have to say that i really agree with rommy'smummy on the planting of something above the grave site. we did this when we lost someone special and knew that we couldn't bring them with us. in our case we lived in Nth Qld and planted a bird of paradise (as it can grow from cuttings) and when the flowers came through the following spring we took a cutting and now i feel that he has come with us as well ITMS.
My baby's in the garden - but what happens when we move!?
[Big fat "Whaa"]
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