Thanks for all of your replies, I feel slightly better after a rough day at work, at least I had a different set of problems to focus on!

Anyway, to clarify, it's been 2 years since my mc. And I highly doubt he is afraid of another loss since he doesn't mourn the first. He doesn't remember the anniversary dates, and this year I didn't bother to remind him as the response would be the same blank stare I always get. He always gets this glazed over look when I talk about it, like I have no right to bring up the subject because he's so ashamed of how he acted. He should be thanking his lucky stars I forgave him, and allowing me to depend on him for support. I have no-one else. Truth is my pg was unplanned, and he totally freaked out. He did everything he could to 'make' me get an abortion. I refused, but lost our baby anyway. He isn't scared of another loss, as the first one is negligable to him. He also says that babies have been a huge topic for the last 2 years, which I understand could be frustrating to him. He said to give it a rest for a while and maybe he will warm to the idea. So I am doing what he asked in the hopes he meant it, and this isn't another mindgame.

I feel like I'm dangling on a string just waiting to be cut loose. I'm waiting for the day he says NEVER and doesn't change his mind again. I just don't want to be a mummy with empty arms anymore, but he doesn't get that. His need to play videogames and get drunk whenever he feels like it are more important than moving to the next phase of life. He's 32, and I fear the next excuse will be 'I'm too old.' I can already see it coming.

Me, I'm only 25, but I feel that his age is going to play a major role in our TTC or not. I also worry that if I can mc when I'm young and healthy (was 23) then what will happen if I wait till I'm 30? I just forsee such an empty and pointless existance ahead of me if I don't have children. It's something I can't compromise on.

You're all very right. This is a tough one. I'm resolving to keep quiet for a year. If he doesn't come around, then..... I don't even want to say it. But you all know.

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, and he was wonderful and excited in my dream. I find myself even more confused. Is this my wishful thinking, or is this someone telling me it won't be long till he comes around? Btw this dream came out of the blue, we had our last ttc discussion last Friday and I've kept my mouth shut since then.

I just feel like our relationship and my life have no purpose whatsoever right now. Very depressing. But I'm trying to hold my head up high, and hang in there. That's how much I love him. I wish he would realize how much I am suffering for him, and just make a decision either way so I know what to do. Right now I'm in limbo.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. Sorry for rambling, I just don't have anywhere else to turn. I sure can't talk to him about it.