why do I feel this way?

[Michelle71]

With a loss of any sort you often feel like it isn't acknowledged because people just don't know what to say or what to do. Some make stupid comments - "it was meant to be", "it was God's will" etc etc etc. Others ignore the entire event even happened to the point of never acknowledging the existence of a pregnancy or the loss of that child.

I actually felt the opposite with my miscarriages and in particular the stillbirth of Caitlyn. I felt those without children ignored me more BIL hurt me immensely (and continues to do so) by not acknowledging her existence. My PIL and SIL are my gems - they remember every year and make sure Caitlyn is acknowledged. Those small gestures mean so much.

Sometimes you continue with the masochistic thoughts just so you can feel something - anything. Because trying and trying and trying and still feeling like you are no closer leaves you emotionally drained and numb. And the only way to be able to continue on the journey in search of your child is to coat yourself with that protective shield of numbness. If you don't hope for anything positive, then you can't possible get hurt anymore.

I'm not sure this is of any use or even makes any sense but and know that so many of us understand your pain and those emotions.

[alioops]

Yep Dusty, With you there hun.

My little angels don't often make it into converstation. When I spoke to a dr about it when I was bleeding with lots of clots he basically said that I was never pg, to which I responded that AF was unusual and I had multiple positive HPT's the day before. Being so early though the quantitive hCG had already taken a drop and was below the level the lab determines as being pg. It was 5.

My GP was much more supportive the following month. I had taken Em for an appointment a couple of days before AF was due, and told her that I had a faint positive and she asked if I would like her to do a test, and I said that I would rather wait untl AF was late considering the last month's experience. She said that she hoped it wasn't another CP and was hoping to see me in a few days. The next appointment we had was in the days before we moved and I told her that it had been another CP, and she agreed with me.

My MW for the sticky one counted both of my CPs in my record. I felt validated that a hospital were recognising them, and not giving the same attitude that the ER doctor for the first one had.

Please know hun that a loss is a loss, and each one has left a tiny footprint on your heart. I thought of my 1st angel last week, on what would have been my EDD, and I know I will probably think of my second angel in a few weeks time, on my other EDD. Just because they are not among us does not mean that their lives have no meaning, they have made an impact on your life, and that deserves recognition.

Fly free little Angels, but know you are never forgotten.

[buliej]

Hi Dusty - I read your post yesterday and have been trying to think of what to say and I haven't come up with much as I don't understand what other people are thinking about our TTC journeys. I have found bellybelly to be my biggest outlet for all those feelings and where I get the most support. People really don't know what to say - and I do think the IVF journey and the roller coaster ride is only truly understood by those who have been there.

And you are absolutely right that no one should have to endure this ...and to endure it with disappointment at the end is just horrible.

[Possums]

Dusty- I just wanted to send you my best thoughts and wishes and to say I can understand your feelings. You have been through so much and to have that loss at the end is simply not fair. And the loss is certainly real and painful. And many people, as others here have said, don't know how to acknowledge that, they are scared of it, don't understand it, dont want to understand it because it's all too hard, or maybe they do want to understand but simply don't know/get how you feel. Miscarriage loss in our society still is not very recognised or discussed. That in itself is hurtful for those of us who have faced it.

I have found that not many people have acknowledged my losses in a way that I need. Fortunately I have had family support and a couple of friends I can talk it through with, some who do understand to a degree (although unless anyone has been in the exact shoes, each experience is so different of course). Like you, in this whole time, with our losses, I have received one card, from a most unexpected person, and it was so so lovely to receive that public acknowledgement of our loss and pain.

I also find, that perhaps initially people wonder how you are, but as time goes on, it's like that chapter is closed and done with, and that things have moved on. When in fact, for me, to an extent the grieving, the sadness, the anger continues. People dont seem to realise that, or again, it's easier not to go there, or they are scared of saying/asking the wrong thing, and so they say nothing.

I don't know if this helps, but I just wanted you to know I understand, and that I think there are many complex reasons why people don't give the support we need.
I am so far from handling it all in the way I would like, that I won't even attempt to tell you how to cope. I think one day at a time, processing/understanding things gradually, until more inner peace comes again. That's what I am currently doing. For me I have WAY too much anger still, at many aspects of it all. I need to let that go bit by bit.

You are an amazing woman with so much wisdom and insight. Don't forget, it's OK to struggle with some things, and don't beat yourself up for the way you feel at all.

Thinking of you

[Chez67]

Hi Dusty

I agree with Flowerchild. From my experience, I think the lack of acknowledgement comes about because of our society's taboo on open displays of grief and the lack of acceptance of death as a normal part of life. As I read somewhere recently, it is more acceptable to sit in a movie theatre surrounded by strangers, watching a movie about people who didn't exist, played by people you will never meet, and cry openly. Yet when it comes to a real life situation this display of grief is frowned upon because it makes other people uncomfortable! So what! You have every right to grieve for your baby. From the moment you knew you were pg, you and DH made 'room' for the baby in your lives. The baby became part of you both and your grieving is reflecting all of your lost hopes and dreams that you had for your little one, all of them never to be experienced things such as first smile, first laugh, first step, first cuddle.... You will always grieve for that lost future and that is perfectly natural. To not grieve would be a cause for major concern about your mental health.

Dearest DW , remember that I am hear to talk to, to meet up and just go shopping, or take a walk, or whatever you need, just call me or sms me. I know I could use a friend who understands me at the moment! And if you think you're not coping on your own, I have the details of counsellor who specialises in pg loss and infertility, and she's very close to your house as well. Just let me know. And I have some pg loss books that might help you as well. They have helped me lots!

Take care hun and go easy on yourself,
love Cherylxx

[Possums]

chez- that is a good way of putting it all too....It help me to read your explanations anyway

[Chez67]

No worries Possum, glad to help

Good luck with your cycle hun, am thinking of you!

[dusty]

I also find, that perhaps initially people wonder how you are, but as time goes on, it's like that chapter is closed and done with, and that things have moved on. When in fact, for me, to an extent the grieving, the sadness, the anger continues. People dont seem to realise that, or again, it's easier not to go there, or they are scared of saying/asking the wrong thing, and so they say nothing.

Thanks Possums. The saying nothing really gets to me. It is a fact, something that happened but it is brushed over or ignored. For example a month after the m/c I went to Em's ILs for a BBQ. They are like family to DH and I. I brought up my m/c but it was ignored as no one said anything, like not even sorry. I spoke to one of them about their recent breast cancer and shared my concern with them as I haven't seen her in a few years, which all seemed to be acceptable but talking about my m/c wasn't even though I know they were all so excited when our ED cycle with Em worked.

Cheryl that movies analogy is shocking isn't it. Thanks for sharing and I would like to catch up. I hope you got my text msg.

Gabi thanks for sharing your perspective. I wish I felt some semblance of motherhood but sadly I don't. I feel a sense of responsibility and connection for my siblings' and friends' children but my pg was mostly one of denial and anxiety that I didn't have any real connection to my child. Even when I passed the embryonic sac it was all too late for me. But I hope to have that connection one day, in the not too distant future.

Michelle, I am so sorry you experienced such a loss of Caitlyn. What a beautiful name. I get you on why we have masochistic thoughts. Thanks for sharing hun.

Ali, Julie, thanks for sharing and for your thoughts.

I am reading (again!) Stephanie Dowrick's Choosing Happiness, and I know that I need to let go of these bitter/angry feelings to be able to be happy. So I will be kind to myself for now and know that with time I will let go and forgive (myself) for holding onto these negative thoughts.

xx

[Inanna]

I am a Stephanie fan - another that is really helpful is Byron Katie (she's an author) she has really practical advice...

Thinking of you my love...