I don't really know where to begin with typing this post and nobody needs to reply - I've just got to get these thoughts out somewhere.

I just feel so very sad. I feel like PG is the hardest thing in the world for me to achieve successfully. Why does it have to be this hard? Why did it have to happen to me a third time? And why at Christmas time? This is meant to be a time of joy and celebration and all about family. There I was thinking that our family was about to grow and how exciting Christmas Day would be with that in mind and now all I can think about is how awful this time is. Now I feel like there is 'one less' in the family than I thought there would be tomorrow.

I feel so out of control ATM as I sit here knowing that it's just a matter of time before AF arrives and I pray that it's sooner rather than later so that I can start moving forward a bit, if that's at all possible. My stupid stupid body......I just hope it gets on with it sooner rather than later so that I can deal with the physical/emotional aspects that this AF will bring.

Where to from here? Is it worth TTC again if this is going to happen to me yet again? I can't live in fear 24/7 of losing more babies. So do we keep trying or forget the whole idea? I desperately want another baby to complete our family and for Jacob to be a big brother.

I feel so stupid. Why did I test when I did? Well I know the answer to that, it's because I felt symptomatic. I just wish I didn't, then I'd be none the wiser and would just think that I'm having a long cycle (as I've had a few over the past year that are around 33 days). And then I just would have gone on to TTC next month.

Why is it so easy for some other people to fall PG, even when they haven't taken optimal care of themselves? Here's me doing my best to look after myself and whammo, it strikes me again. What is it that I'm doing wrong? Do I not deserve another child? Doesn't Jacob deserve a little brother or sister?