Hi everyone, we've had a very busy few days & I haven't had much time to spend at the computer. Heidi is still going so well. She is 2 weeks old now, and she'll tick over to 28 weeks gestation on Sunday so she is just a little champion. Hard to believe we were on a knife-edge so recently. Her weight has remained stable, and she is still doing well maintaining her breathing with minimal CPAP support. Every few days she goes back under phototherapy if her bilirubin levels go up a bit but that is all perfectly normal. Her tummy issues seemed to have resolved so the little guzzler is now tolerating a whole 1ml of EBM every hour! Such a tiny little munchkin. She is teaching us so much about being strong....surely if she can do this so can we I keep reminding myself.

We're travelling along ok. I think I finally hit my wall yesterday. Its amazing how exhaustion of both the physical & emotional kind sort of creeps up on you for a few days then suddenly decides to take you down in one heap all of a sudden. DP was working yesterday and DS was with MIL for the whole day so I had a day completely for me to spend with Heidi. I spent 9am-2pm at the hospital before I had to force myself home. I got into bed and just cried & cried. I needed to let a lot out, I hadn't really allowed myself to since her birth. There is so much running through my mind all the time, I just can't switch off. The mummy guilt has kicked in majorly. Poor DS is sick and teething and constipated, and is so upset whenever we drop him off somewhere or leave the house without him. And the need to be with Heidi is so compelling for me, I am feeling so torn right now. I know DS will be ok, and that he needs to adapt a little bit under the circumstances but its very very hard for me right now. I just hope he starts feeling better soon and is a bit more resilient.

Expressing is going ok. I found out during the week that Fenugreek is NOT my friend. The label did say "may cause loose stools" and I though, ok, not likely to happen. Well it did. I had diarrhoea of gastro proportions and suffice to say that I didn't need that wiping me out right now. So no more Fenugreek. And my right boob is seriously letting the team down. Despite expressing for longer on that side its still not doing much - it takes double the time to get half the amount of what my left boob will produce and I'm getting very frustrated. Its as if some of the little ducts in the nipple haven't opened up - the left one just sprays out thank goodness. Otherwise we'd be stuffed.

Janie, I have to send the biggest hug & thank you your way for sending me the ABA booklet - its been really helpful for me to read and has given me a lot of hope. You truly are amazing.

The hardest thing for me right now is that simply, I miss my baby girl so badly. We've shared a few more cuddles over the last week, I've given her a sponge bath and if I'm there when they do her feeds & cares I generally do those too. But I'm not getting anywhere near enough time with her and I just don't know how to juggle things any better right now. Its tearing at me 24/7. She needs her mummy so much and I need her, I just don't know how to resolve that right now. I feel like my time with her is so broken. I have people asking me for photos and I just can't bring myself to share her yet because I feel like I hardly even know her well enough yet. I've taken the phone off the hook because Im sick of fielding phone calls from well meaning family who want a blow-by-blow update.

Thank you all for thinking of us xx your support and the opportunity to come in here and let things out is a real relief.