DP is down at the hossy with Heidi as I type. He went down this morning to talk to the doctors and get an update - they decided to remove one of her central lines (the one in her scalp) as it was contributing to the fluid she was retaining around her neck. They're unsure if they'll try and get another line in tomorrow. She is showing small signs of improvement day by day, bit by bit which is all we can ask for. The doctors are happy that she has passed the worst stage but still cautious obviously. She is getting a bit more active and responsive each time DP is with her.
I miss her so terribly. I'm having a very fragile day today. I was planning on heading down to be with her in the morning but I just don't think I can do it on my own. DP is working tomorrow so I've decided that I will wait until Wednesday morning when we can go together and I can hold his hand. I feel like I'm going to fall to pieces. I had a great couple of weeks getting settled in a nice routine, visiting her independently and getting on with things. Keeping the basics done at home. Everything seems to be a bit more shaky this week somehow.
I had my follow up appt with the obstetric team this morning and they have concluded that an infection developing in the placenta triggered premature labour and DDs early arrival. They obviously keep the placenta growing (somehow?) and it has show signs of a few generic bacteria starting to grow, some sites of inflammation and increased white blood cells, which indicates infection. They said we could speculate until the cows come home about how the infection started but we'll never know. It could have been anything. Basically DD and my body knew that she needed to come out.
So that news has probably contributed to how I'm feeling today. Even though I know that I couldn't have done anything differently, I still feel so sad that I couldn't keep her safe in my tummy. I'm still greiving the last 15 weeks of my pregnancy in many ways - I actually love being pregnant and I'm sad that I'm going to miss out on those last few months with a big round growing belly, feeling her kick away inside of me. I look at DS and wonder why I couldn't grow a big healthy full term bubba this time around. Silly questions I know - I'm still processing it all in many ways. This whole experience has just shaken me to my core. There are going to be ripples for me for a long long time.
Thank you all for the positive energy you are sending her way, it is so very generous & kind.
It must be a lot for you to process - no doubt it'll take a long time to work it all out. For what it's worth, you did keep her safe by getting her out early, but I'm sorry it had to happen that way. And I'm sorry you missed out on those weeks.
It's brilliant news that she's improving bit by bit. I think a little TLC for you is in order right now so you're ready to go back to your little one on Wednesday. Take care
Wonderful to hear that Heidi is showing continual signs of improvement and that your DP is able to share some very special moments with her.
Infinity, I cried reading the rest of your post as I could have written the exact same myself 15 months ago. Believe me, Heidi knows her mum and when she feels your touch and hears your voice again, her response will be magical and heart warming and everything will slowly begin to fall into place once again.
Even though Heidi came into this world early, you need to look at the wonderful job you did baking her for those 25+ weeks and that you now have the privilege to watch her grow on the outside. I still grieve for my lost 15 weeks and I cringe when I hear women in their last trimester wish their pregnancy away but there is nothing you could have done and like you said, your body knew exactly what to do.
Sending you lots of and strength for the next few days. Strength and growing vibes to Heidi and keeping you all in my thoughts & prayers.
It's been a really massive week for you, especially with you being away from your little girl. i too would soo need my DH to hold my hand...you all need lots and lots of cuddles too xx
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