Evening all

DP is down at the hossy with Heidi as I type. He went down this morning to talk to the doctors and get an update - they decided to remove one of her central lines (the one in her scalp) as it was contributing to the fluid she was retaining around her neck. They're unsure if they'll try and get another line in tomorrow. She is showing small signs of improvement day by day, bit by bit which is all we can ask for. The doctors are happy that she has passed the worst stage but still cautious obviously. She is getting a bit more active and responsive each time DP is with her.

I miss her so terribly. I'm having a very fragile day today. I was planning on heading down to be with her in the morning but I just don't think I can do it on my own. DP is working tomorrow so I've decided that I will wait until Wednesday morning when we can go together and I can hold his hand. I feel like I'm going to fall to pieces. I had a great couple of weeks getting settled in a nice routine, visiting her independently and getting on with things. Keeping the basics done at home. Everything seems to be a bit more shaky this week somehow.

I had my follow up appt with the obstetric team this morning and they have concluded that an infection developing in the placenta triggered premature labour and DDs early arrival. They obviously keep the placenta growing (somehow?) and it has show signs of a few generic bacteria starting to grow, some sites of inflammation and increased white blood cells, which indicates infection. They said we could speculate until the cows come home about how the infection started but we'll never know. It could have been anything. Basically DD and my body knew that she needed to come out.

So that news has probably contributed to how I'm feeling today. Even though I know that I couldn't have done anything differently, I still feel so sad that I couldn't keep her safe in my tummy. I'm still greiving the last 15 weeks of my pregnancy in many ways - I actually love being pregnant and I'm sad that I'm going to miss out on those last few months with a big round growing belly, feeling her kick away inside of me. I look at DS and wonder why I couldn't grow a big healthy full term bubba this time around. Silly questions I know - I'm still processing it all in many ways. This whole experience has just shaken me to my core. There are going to be ripples for me for a long long time.

Thank you all for the positive energy you are sending her way, it is so very generous & kind.