The fallout

[Lisa]

I have no words Michelle... but I want to give you a great big hug.
You & your family have been in my thoughts constantly.

[Glamourcide]

Michelle, sweet love... my heart aches for you and your darling little ones. I don't know what to say, except to offer you my support through this incredibly difficult time. I'm glad you have lots of support around you as you tread this dark, frightening path, and the other girls are right in saying that there are no 'rules' here for how you should be thinking or feeling, and I'm sure it's absolutely normal for you to feel so overwhelmed right now, trying to deal with day-to-day life on top of your own grief and handling your children's grief
Have you been in contact with a counsellor or crisis support personnel who can offer you some advice or shoulders to cry on when you're not coping? I'm sure you can find someone near you who will be happy to take the kids for a while so you can go and talk to a professional and break down 'in private' so as not to let the kids see, kwim?

I'm so, so very sorry for your loss, Michelle. Nobody should ever have to go through this. Please let yourself feel the emotions you need to, don't bottle this all up. We are all thinking of you and the kids.
xox

[Loula]

My father passed away when i was 4 years old and my mum brought up my brother and myself.

i remember my mum crying and telling me it was her tooth and the dentist called (it was really the call to tell her what had happened to my dad)

I really dont know why i am writing this, or even what words i can offer.....................

I am so sorry. xx

[Roryrory]

Michelle my dad died when I was 9 and I was an only child, so my mother was in a different situation to you in many ways. But she was young - 36 - and like you never planned to do it on her own. Dad died of lung cancer after 10 months and she was his primary carer. She just functioned, kept going, stayed alive - for my sake alone. That's it - she just did. I have spoken to her about it (it's now been over 25 years) and I can still see the pain and I know there are parts if her where it feels like yesterday. I don't think she would have nay advice other than to say you just do it.

I can give you the perspective of a child who has been parented through grief. It isn't easy or nice and your kids will have a lot to go through and that is something which you can't avoid but equally should not feel guilty about. But if you love them, which you obviously will and do, you will be able to continue to give them what they need the most, which is parents who love them. Because no matter the mistakes you make through your grief your love will let your kids know that they matter, they are important, and that they have a mum who lives for them and had a dad who adored them.

I am not going to kid you that it's nice to lose a parent (I am sitting here crying as I type) but I at least know I had a father who loved me, which many people don't get. And the reason I know that is because my my stayed alive to show me his love and kept going under conditions which I can't begin to imagine and don't ever want to know. She made mistakes, didn't do a "perfect" job (no mother does) but by God she did the best she could and 99% of that was just by being there for me. She wrote me a letter explaining how she felt when he died, and I know the only thing that kept her from joining him was me. And that is a powerful love to feel, especially now I am a mother myself.

[ezymay]

Oh Michelle it is truly one of the worst things ever. I am so so sorry this has happened to you.
It may feel too soon to see someone professional yourself but when/if you feel ready I hope you get something out of it. I have really benefited from it with the losses in my life. But it has to be up to you.
As far as the children go... My mother died when I was 4 and my father apparently was very aware of the effect it was having on me so I was taken to a professional counsellor who dealt with children. I know that I was older than your little ones but I'm sure it helped me cope with what had happened and knowing how special I was to her was always a comfort. I can only imagine what it would be like, I was so young with my mother and have lost my brother (who left a 3 year old son behind) but losing your partner is too sad for words.

I truly believe Greg will be by your side forever and his spririt lives on in your babies.

[Catastrophic]

Michelle, Hugs, my thoughts are ith you and your family

[Mak]

xx

[Lee]

Michelle, I just read your post and had to reply. There just so much to say, and I can only talk from my own experience and journey, some of it will be the same or similar to yours, but a lot of it will be differene too. I'm so glad you have good support around you - I didn't have this, and I lived a long way from family too. This was a blessing and a curse - and I've never ever been someone who could ask for help or tell people what I need. So, I think I made the journey more difficult than it needed (re. not asking for help). Because not asking for help, meant I stayed completely focussed on my 2 children (aged 2 and 4) and finishing DH's cd's - I avoided grieving (yes I cried a river every day, but I didn't allow myself TIME, real TIME to grieve hard) - I was in shock and followed that up with auto-pilot. BUT I could only keep up this pace for 12 months, after that I absolutely crashed, hit the wall - looking back, I think I could have had a breakdown of sorts. I got extremely physically ill, so much so I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks - and I howled, honestly the sound of which I didn't know I could produce - I was finally in the bottom of the pit and it took me 12 months to get there. I don't know if this pit is a place we all must go after the tragedy of loosing a husband - I hate to think you will have to go there, but there are a couple of upsides at the end of it. One of which is once you hit rock-bottom, there's only one place to go - UP.... and slow as it was, I started on the journey UP.

My advice for the moment is to ACCEPT ALL HELP, ask for it even if you are not used to asking for it. And the most important of all - is get the kind of help that enables you to be alone, to grieve for Greg, to have that time when you are allowed to indulge your pain without caring for the children - I had so little of this time, but I seriously think it will help you a lot if you can (and I know how hard this is going to be with a new babe coming soon, but try at least for the next couple of months).

Your babies are naturally grieving for their Daddy in their own ways - children are very resilient too - so try and surround them with some good men and supporting folk, people you can trust and leave them with. DO NOT go down the guilt road, that you are not doing enough for them - right now you are all in survival mode - and you are No. 1 priority. Your babes are clean, fed and very loved, they know this, and for now thats enough hon.

I'm 8 years down that long winding road - and for me the the hardest and sadest part has been for my children. They had a fantastic, fun, intelligent, talented Dad who lived for them. They lost that - and nothing I can do will ever replace that loss. I'm so sorry your babies lost their Daddy, who was a wonderful man. The best you can do is to talk about him to them often, tell your stories. Not a day goes by when I don't mention something about my DH to the children - even if it's a song on the radio he would have liked - I tell them "your Dad loved this song" etc. In fact my DD12 said the other day when I mentioned such a song on the radio "mum, even though Dad liked it, I don't, it sucks" - I laughed and said thats okay, he wouldn't mind. So it's in these little interactions that your babes Daddy can live on and his children can get to know him in a different way. It truly does suck that it has to be this way now, but all you can do is work with what you have left. You will raise those children in the way you both wanted, and you will do it for him as well.

I've probably said enough for tonight. I know you are intelligent woman, and you are smart enough to see how long and winding the road is before you - sweety try not to look too far ahead right now - set yourself very small goals, even just a daily goal (even if that is to get out of bed and have a shower, go for a walk in the sunshine, read O a few extra books) really small goals - the future is uncertain still, so just focus on the present.

Take care, and I'll talk again to you soon.

Love Lee xoxoxo

[ElleJay]

Michelle,

I'm not going to try and say I understand, because I don't. I know what it is to love someone with all your heart and I would be devistated if this link was broken.

I know it will get better because I have seen others go through it - other members of my family and friends that have lost their partners and carried on. It was not easy, but they did it.

I am probably no help at all - all I can say is that I believe that you will get through this and find your new type of normal.

Huge hugs

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs. You have lots of love around here that you know you'll get all the support you need

[Laney]

Michelle,

[Just Me]

Huge Michelle. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your babies

[Inanna]

Michelle my love I want to write to you from my heart in here. Right now I have 2 nine year old boys, a dog, a cat & Immy in my room... But I just want to reach out & let you know I'll be back tomorrow.

[thepixie]

Michelle, I don't know what to say except please remember we are all with you and here for you whenever you need us.

[Liviam]

Just lots and lots of
No words will help ease your grief, which I cannot even begin to fathom, but please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
We are here for you whenever you need us.

[Marlene]

I am so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now. If your babies are upset and want to cry, hold them close and cry with them if you need to. There is no right or wrong, please don't feel guilty.

[Early Kids]

I'm so sorry

[Liz]

*big hugs* from me too. I can't even fathom what you're going through. I agree with the others tho, there's no right & wrong here, it is still all so raw for all of you. It is ok to let the little ones comfort you too. You all need lots and lots of hugs and you all need to cry those tears.

I'm so so sorry this has happened

[alioops]