Dont worry Lisa I havent called either because I wouldnt even know what to say. That and I think she would have tons of people calling her and I dont want to push it iykwim. Im sure she knows we are thinking of her even without a phone call.
I posted a very long reply last night at about midnight and it went to Pluto... I am so sorry. xxx
Michelle - I am sorry I didn't phone you yesterday, it was a massive day here & I just couldn't get a minute alone to speak to you in the way it was important for me to do so. I will call you later this afternoon or this evening.
Jayne: I spent some time in Beijing just after the Tianemen uprsing. I love China, I travelled through the countryside & fell in love with a Chinese man climbing a remote area of the great wall... *sigh* It was a lovely time of my life... All good memories. There'll be no falling in love with a China man for you - but have fun with those new undies!
Lee: I felt honoured to read part of your story.. thankyou for sharing it with us all. It is no mistake that we find ourselves together, & you sadly having walked where Michelle is going is even more special that you will no doubt be a source of great support and comfort to her. I will phone you soon. xxx
Everyone else I want to remind you all that we all have permission to smile & laugh even when there is so much sadness. It is beautiful to be empathic, but remember that to truly be available to Michelle or any other person who is in pain we have to have balance. It seems unfair that we can think about every day things & right now all of that is stabbingly painful for Michelle. However, our lives living alongside her is what will help her. Greg looking down comforted by Michelles support, with his sense of wit and humour doesn't want us all to fall apart - because we need to be together to help her, us, our babies - this is the wheel of life. In painful illustration - but the wheel none the less.
"I don't know what to say"... It is the hardest thing when you perhaps haven't dealt with loss & death in another to know what to say. That's okay. It's understandable. There is no magic to what to say. Sometimes the best thing is: "I don't know what to say" - but I wanted to call & hear your voice. When I lost my babies the most heart sinking thing to hear was: "I was going to call but I didn't know what to say"... Sometimes all you want is a voice on the end of the phone. Of course sometimes you don't want that at all..& then the grieving person won't answer the phone.
It's okay to cry with Michelle or any one else that has lost. Tears show you care, they show you feel. That's what warms our hearts.
You are all such beautful special women Remember that we have been brought together not by accident - it's not an accident. For somereason our path is to share some (or maybe the rest!) of our lives in connection with each other. Our angel babies, husbands, lovers, mothers, someone or something thought we'd do good to hang together! So, now we test our "hangability"! We work through this, we fumble through & we cry sad tears this time - there have been plenty of happy triumphant tears in this thread. Tomorrow is Omar's u/s & this is a time of Michelles pregnancy that brings much emotion due to Caitlyns death. But tomorrow, we will all light a candle (OK!), we will all say a prayer, or mantra, or affirmation (whatever strings your bow) & we will hold Michelle & Omar in our Energy as she sees how beautifully healthy this little boy is. Greg will be there & so will Caitlyn.
I want to share something to remind us all of just how important it is to remind ourselves (not Michelle right now but us who are supporting her) of how changeable life is...Excuse my words as they change each time I recount a story I heard long ago:
A very devout monk lived in a village & was well respected as wise and honourable - people brought him food, blankets & he spent his life helping others & meditating. "This too shall Pass" he was heard to say...
A young girl came to him distraught and pregnant her family had disowned her. He took her in and fed her, nurtured her & kept her warm. As her belly grew the townsfolk ridiculed him & accused him of fathering the child... This too shall pass" was all he said. In time the baby was born & he helped the young woman with her child. The girls family came one day saddened & remorseful at their treatment of her. The family was very wealthy & in thanks to the monk they showered the village with gold. Once more the monk was in favour, honoured and respected...
"This too shall pass" was all he was heard to mutter.
This too shall pass darlings, it will leave indelible footprints on Michelles heart & to a lesser degree our hearts, but it will pass leaving behind beautiful lessons & gifts that we can only imagine right now...
Awww Deb, thats so beautiful, what you write....... and I love your story of the Monk - there is much to analyse and many layers in that - but in the end it comes down to keeping true to yourself, being kind, not being bitter, and reaching out to help others, even when you are the only one who knows what is right - lets hope some of the villagers "got it" in the end too. You really are an incredible strength Deb, we are very lucky to have you here Lee xoxoxoxo
Deb - You are beautiful and we are so lucky to have you in our lives.
I called Michelle yesterday and I didn't say anything particularly useful, I cried, I felt awkward and didn't know what to say but I feel good that I called. Because like Deb said, when we lost our baby, people didn't call and that hurt. I remember my brother visiting and not mentioning a single word about our baby. As if she had never existed. That was very painful for me. I remember my mum saying to me 'He just didn't know what to say to you'. And me saying to her 'I understand that Mum. But the thing he shouldn't have said was nothing'. That has stuck with me and so I called.
Kristy & Bun - I hope you both travel safely today and that the kids travel well, especially you Bun with such a long trip with the kiddies.
You girls are so amazing, and blessed are we for having found each other. I will call Michelle, just need to curb my tears a little - dont want her to have to comfort me KWIM? This has really hit me for a six.
Deb - you are amazing, will be lighting some extra candles for Michelle, Greg and Omar tomorrow.
Bek - Eva looked beautiful at her christening, Im glad it went really well and you are looking great too.
Jayne - we are going ok, Natalya is a good bubby and her sleep has improved so we are happy. She had her first weigh in yesterday and has puton 200gm in a week so Im pretty pleased about that.
Hope all the babies are giving extra special hugs to their mummies,
Lisa xx
Hi lovelies. I don't even know what to say in here. TBH, I am so devastated for Michelle, as everyone is. I want to be there for her in whatever way will help, and that I am capable of. But I can't write about it, selfish as that sounds. I have so much going on here with my little man that I need to be with it for. He needs to be fed and cared for, and I need not to fall apart to do that. I am holding it together by a thread right now, I know Michelle wouldn't want me to jeopardise that. So I'll continue to contact her directly, and will definitely still be around in here, but I won't write about Michelle too much. I hope that doesn't sound terrible, it probably does, but it's all I'm capable of right now.
Janie/Lisa - I was thinking of you both this morning knowing how hard this must be for you guys with new babies at home. Janie, you are totally right. You have a lot on your plate right now, it doesn't sound terrible at all.
Janie/Lisa - We know you guys have a very important job with you newbies.
I actually won't be around much from now on, DH has voiced his opinion about me spending too much time on BB and FB. He has given me some slack for the next few days but he has asked that I refrain for a bit, and I agree.
Deb - Beautiful words. I wish I was as wise as you
How is everyone going anyway??? Kelly are you traveling ok
Bek - I understand what you mean.. DH has also expressed some concerns about the amount of time I spend in here and on FB. Particularly at the moment, when I need to rest and try and keep this little bub growing inside. I get really distracted from all the loss and sadness in here sometimes and it gets me down... really, really down. And right now, I need to focus on trying to grow this little bub. I seem to be in tears quite a lot atm and it's affecting DS too.. he's been incredibly naughty and I can't seem to control him... so much tension inside me doesn't help, so I too need to focus a little on him and me. Sounds so selfish when I write it down and I'm in tears doing so.. hope you all know what I mean.
Janie - I could do with some company atm too.. DH is away again and I don't think I'm coping very well with my upcoming scan next week.. right now is the time of all my losses.. so i'm petrified. Might give you a call and see how you're going.. would love a visit but know you've got so much on your plate and I don't want to burdon you any more.
Lisa - So glad to hear all is going well. We need to organise another catch up.. I'd love to meet Natalya.
Deb - You are incredible and have an amazing way with words. Such an inspiration.
Willow - Hugs.. it's such a difficult time.
Michelle - You're constantly in my thoughts.
Big hugs to everyone else. It seems so wrong to talk about my own issues and concerns right now so I'll just say that I'm finding it all very difficult. This is the week that I've lost all my bubs and it's killing me. My scan is next Tuesday and I don't know how I'll get there. I've had a bit of m/s that keeps going away and freaking me out even more. Have had my MIL here but just dropped her at the airport and feel very alone again. I'm missing home way too much. I wish I was coping with everything a bit better and I really wish I could hold it together for DS and DH. I'm trying.
Bek - As you know, this has been an issue for us too. I have opened my FB account back up just so I could talk to you guys this week but once things settle down again, it's gone. I also have 'computer free' days where I just don't turn it on. I've been on here too much today (as you'd know! ) so tomorrow will be one of those days! I have tried many times to give up BB and I can't because of you girls. But I agree that it is easy to spend too much time here. I try my best to stick to this thread and that helps. I have your email addy so you can't get rid of me that easily!
Kelly - Please don't feel like you can't talk about what's going on with you. That's not what any of us want. I can only imagine what you're feeling at the moment. I hope you and Janie can catch up and give each other a big hug!
Hi girls We are home again for a little while, although that home feels decidedly empty without Greg. I am doing *ok* - IYKWIM. One millisecond at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. I am on a path. A path I can't change but I have to walk it anyway. There is a reason but right now I don't know what that is. My curses to the Universe express the displeasure.
The children are a source of heartbreak and joy. The sobbing of my little man last night wanting his daddy breaks my heart even more and yet his making of the coffee "like Daddy does it" makes me smile.
I want to let you know that I actually appreciate the calls and the tears. Tears tell me you are feeling my pain - sharing it with me, holding me close in thought and action. I am more than happy to sob along with you because it highlights to us all how precious and tenuous this life actually is. It is a reminder to love with your whole heart, forget the little things (because they really are unimportant anyway) and to treasure each and every blessing. Break it down into small blessings to negate the irritations. Every day is a miracle. And a gift.
I want to hear about your concerns and fears and joys and happiness. Reality still exists - mine is just a changed one that will take me some time to assimilate. Not talking about the good and the bad in your life, not sharing because you think my burden is heavier than yours, pushes me to the outside and makes me feel more alone than ever. Being a true friend means sharing your ups and downs together. My life is no more important than yours. Mine is just going through a difficult transition.
But I will get through. One day. To do that I need you. Your words, calls, visits, supports. I am a strong (translation - stubbourn ) woman who will be reluctant to impose or ask for help as my fragility heals - but I would never refuse an offer of support, assistance, love, companionship or even just a chat. I just don't want to make anyone feel obliged to help me. If it is offered I know it comes from their will, their heart, and is not just given through obligation.
It is going to get much harder for me before it gets better. The lead up to the birth of this child will be fraught with challenges. The weeks afterwards more so.
Janie - I know you are with me but I do want you to focus on your little man You have worked so hard to get this far - don't let me be a factor in altering your path xx I got your message and I thank you
Lisa - same for you!! Focus on that little girl. The first few weeks are so very hard - especially after a c-section. I will be here and still needing your love and calls when the dust settles.
Deb - thank you. Words just aren't enough.
Willow - I loved hearing from you. It just tells me that I am in your thoughts and right now I really, really needs that.
Lee - you have made me an offer that I will not refuse. You support now and looking forward will be critical in me forming some sort of life again.
A big hello to everyone. I will try to acknowledge you all in time. I promise.
I made an appointment today to sort out a management plan for the diabetes over the next few weeks. It was a good appointment. I have a plan and my midwife is a gem. My OB is shattered by the news - he and Greg have had many a chat and he has been with us for 3.5 children. My midwife has done some remarkable work for me already. We have discussed the children being present at the birth so they can be the first to hold their baby brother and so I can have them close. I will be in a single room and I will be able to have a support person stay with me. My midwife will be at my birth - guaranteed. She is on call for me 24/7. I will have her there as my constant and as my support and for that I am grateful.
I will be around. The next week or so will be filled with arrangements. The funeral is next Thursday in Orange and I will be back in Sydney on the Friday. We are looking at holding a memorial service for him at work on Monday the 19th. The delay gives me time to try to make things *right*. Pictures to show all of the sides of the man, his music, his warped but ever so funny sense of humour. The joy he had in his children, the love we shared. I have a little time to reflect on what I want to show and say of our life together and the life of the man.
And we have named our son. Greg loved the name George and so our littlest man, yet to be born will be named George Gregory Moore. Death notice is in the SMH on Saturday.
oh Michelle - Thank you for posting. Love to you always. Your birth plans sound lovely. What a beautiful name for your littlest man
Michelle - this may sound really weird. But when you are giving birth to baby George please imagine all of us PAML ladies standing in a circle holding hands around you. We will be there too
Kelly - hugs. I have been thinking about you. You are not alone here
I think George Gregory Moore is a beautiful choice Michelle I think having the kids there with you when you bring him into the world is a fabulous idea too.
Michelle - thinking of you for tomorrow my love, sending you and love. I love that your birth plan includes the children and the name is ever so fitting and a beautiful tribute. Know that I am with you every minute and my heart aches for you and with you. Hug your little boy and girl extra tight tonight xx
Kelly - I hope this week passes quickly and your little miracle stays here with us
Michelle more big for you. I love the name you and Greg have chosen for your newest little bundle.
I will come back later and post properly as we are going out for dinner with my parents and Sage is in a foul mood so I'm sure its going to be enjoyable. Actually Michelle its the place you and I had breakfast that morning
Registered User
I want to remind you all that we all have permission to smile & laugh even when there is so much sadness. It is beautiful to be empathic, but remember that to truly be available to Michelle or any other person who is in pain we have to have balance. It seems unfair that we can think about every day things & right now all of that is stabbingly painful for Michelle. However, our lives living alongside her is what will help her. Greg looking down comforted by Michelles support, with his sense of wit and humour doesn't want us all to fall apart - because we need to be together to help her, us, our babies - this is the wheel of life. In painful illustration - but the wheel none the less.
) so tomorrow will be one of those days! I have tried many times to give up BB and I can't because of you girls. But I agree that it is easy to spend too much time here. I try my best to stick to this thread and that helps. I have your email addy so you can't get rid of me that easily!
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