Hi girls We are home again for a little while, although that home feels decidedly empty without Greg. I am doing *ok* - IYKWIM. One millisecond at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. I am on a path. A path I can't change but I have to walk it anyway. There is a reason but right now I don't know what that is. My curses to the Universe express the displeasure.

The children are a source of heartbreak and joy. The sobbing of my little man last night wanting his daddy breaks my heart even more and yet his making of the coffee "like Daddy does it" makes me smile.

I want to let you know that I actually appreciate the calls and the tears. Tears tell me you are feeling my pain - sharing it with me, holding me close in thought and action. I am more than happy to sob along with you because it highlights to us all how precious and tenuous this life actually is. It is a reminder to love with your whole heart, forget the little things (because they really are unimportant anyway) and to treasure each and every blessing. Break it down into small blessings to negate the irritations. Every day is a miracle. And a gift.

I want to hear about your concerns and fears and joys and happiness. Reality still exists - mine is just a changed one that will take me some time to assimilate. Not talking about the good and the bad in your life, not sharing because you think my burden is heavier than yours, pushes me to the outside and makes me feel more alone than ever. Being a true friend means sharing your ups and downs together. My life is no more important than yours. Mine is just going through a difficult transition.

But I will get through. One day. To do that I need you. Your words, calls, visits, supports. I am a strong (translation - stubbourn ) woman who will be reluctant to impose or ask for help as my fragility heals - but I would never refuse an offer of support, assistance, love, companionship or even just a chat. I just don't want to make anyone feel obliged to help me. If it is offered I know it comes from their will, their heart, and is not just given through obligation.

It is going to get much harder for me before it gets better. The lead up to the birth of this child will be fraught with challenges. The weeks afterwards more so.

Janie - I know you are with me but I do want you to focus on your little man You have worked so hard to get this far - don't let me be a factor in altering your path xx I got your message and I thank you

Lisa - same for you!! Focus on that little girl. The first few weeks are so very hard - especially after a c-section. I will be here and still needing your love and calls when the dust settles.

Deb - thank you. Words just aren't enough.

Willow - I loved hearing from you. It just tells me that I am in your thoughts and right now I really, really needs that.

Lee - you have made me an offer that I will not refuse. You support now and looking forward will be critical in me forming some sort of life again.

A big hello to everyone. I will try to acknowledge you all in time. I promise.

I made an appointment today to sort out a management plan for the diabetes over the next few weeks. It was a good appointment. I have a plan and my midwife is a gem. My OB is shattered by the news - he and Greg have had many a chat and he has been with us for 3.5 children. My midwife has done some remarkable work for me already. We have discussed the children being present at the birth so they can be the first to hold their baby brother and so I can have them close. I will be in a single room and I will be able to have a support person stay with me. My midwife will be at my birth - guaranteed. She is on call for me 24/7. I will have her there as my constant and as my support and for that I am grateful.

I will be around. The next week or so will be filled with arrangements. The funeral is next Thursday in Orange and I will be back in Sydney on the Friday. We are looking at holding a memorial service for him at work on Monday the 19th. The delay gives me time to try to make things *right*. Pictures to show all of the sides of the man, his music, his warped but ever so funny sense of humour. The joy he had in his children, the love we shared. I have a little time to reflect on what I want to show and say of our life together and the life of the man.

And we have named our son. Greg loved the name George and so our littlest man, yet to be born will be named George Gregory Moore. Death notice is in the SMH on Saturday.