Chained to a wheel

[~Trish~]

I wish I could tell you when it gets better, but it's different for each baby. I found with both my boys that by 6 months we were cruising along, but it was getting easier each day before then. I agree with Trillian that it sounds like he could have a problem like reflux? DS1 would cry all day and not sleep unless I held him. I was going crazy and was in tears a lot of the time - at my wits end I took him to a paediatric chiropractor and it turns out that his right shoulder had been dislocated since birth and no one else had picked up on it . He was a MUCH happier baby once it was rectified. Chiros can even help with reflux babies, I took DS2 who was diagnosed with reflux and after one session and also following the chiros advice regarding feeding, his reflux was gone within 5 days.

I should have mentioned the chiro in my previous post, but I was kind of rushing to make dinner and I forgot .

I wish I could come over and give you a hand .

[SunnyRain]

It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one, but there's so many different stories here it only goes to show how confusing the issue is.

I thought about reflux and I started giving him more upright time, I even bought a bouncer. I'm not sure it is reflux because he does enjoy lying on his back on his playmat for a while and doesn't seem bothered even if it's right after a feed.

I don't know if he had a stressful birth but I don't think so. From the moment my waters broke (before contractions) to the time he was delivered it was only 9 hours, but I had it sped up with loads of syntocin because I had preeclampsia. I don't know how I feel about chiros, but I don't think Jude's in pain... that wouldn't be an obvious cause for him not sleeping to me.

It's not that he cries all the time, he has his feed - play time when he's happy which could be an hour or more, then he'll go to sleep but only sleep for 45 minutes which means he wakes up too early for his next feed and that's when all hell breaks loose and I end up feeding him even though my boobs aren't ready, and so begins a bad cycle every day.

By the way his weight gain is actually fine, he's just a small baby. He's riding along on the 3rd percentile with the appropriate weight gain. He was born at 2.56kg and he's now 4.73kgs.

[Lolli]

Hun just a couple fo questions with the 45 minute sleep thing- does he have a dummy? Where does he do his sleeping (in his cot or bassinette?) And how do he go to sleep?

I had a big issue with my ds when he was younger- he wouldn't sleep past 40 minutes. I think a lot of that was because I used to rock/hold/feed him to sleep. I know how lovely it is to hold your sleeping baby- that's why I used to do it all the time! And I know there are a lot of babies who are just fine to be cuddled to sleep and stay alseep for ages. Unfortunately, my ds wasn't that way inclined As soon as I started putting him in his cot to settle himself- never leaving him to cry, I always sat there next to him and rubbed his back and talked to him if he was distressed, which he wasn't very often; he started to sleep for an hour and a half during day naps. It helped a little bit at night too.

Just a thought...

[SunnyRain]

I always put him in his bassinet to sleep, although he does fall asleep on my boob very suddenly so I can't stop him doing that because there's no warning and once he's asleep I can't wake him, then I put him in the bassinet but he still wakes up soon after.

He has a dummy but he spits it out once he falls asleep. I don't always put the dummy in his mouth, sometimes he's not interested but if he's having a tantrum and refusing to sleep even though I know he's tired I'll insist on the dummy and I stay with him, stroking his hair and singing to him, or reading to him until he falls asleep.

Getting him asleep isn't really the problem (although sometimes it is incredibly difficult), it's keeping him asleep. Maybe he's hungry ... maybe I really don't have enough boob milk but it doesn't help that he falls asleep while feeding and suckles instead of feeding. Sometimes I think it would be better for him if I gave up breastfeeding and just gave him measured doses from the bottle. I can't express so there's no way I could feed him EBM, so it's formula or boob.

[Macca79]

it can be hard, bloody hard when you can't get enough sleep. It makes everything worse, I know as my DS didn't start sleep much at all until he was about 6 months. He still doesn't sleep through now.

A book that helped me out was Save Our Sleep by Tizzy Hall. It has suggested routines for babies of all ages. I found it very rigid and didn't bother trying to put DS on her routines but I found her self settling techniques very helpful as it is a friendlier alternative to things like controlled crying. I am happy to post you my copy if you want a look at it.

Is there a play group you can go too. I left my mothers group at 8 weeks (as long as it went for) and joined a local PG. Give the Playgroup association in your area a call and they can direct you to one for bubs. I found at 2 months DS didn't really care about it but it was a great social occasion for me. Got me out of the house and gave me the chance to chat with others.

Just another gentle suggestion, maybe you are suffering from a bit of PND? Could be worth exploring as it comes in many shapes and forms and effects women in different ways.

[Mum0809]

Have you tried sleeping him on his tummy for his day sleep. DS would only sleep for about 40 minutes at a time. At 6 months I put him on his tummy to sleep and his day sleep increased to 2+hours. With the next bub I will be doing it alot earier if s/he isn't a good sleeper.

[Smoke Jaguar]

this can be such a challenging time in a woman's life! I know it's hard to think about - picture yourself if 5 years' time, remembering how difficult it was and wondering how long it's been since it was like that cos you're not in that space anymore! Actually, it doesn't even take 5 years to get to that point - DS is 2.5 yo and whilst I remember a baby who didn't want to sleep for long, it seems like a lifetime ago.
First, don't be afraid to 'rely' on your wrap. When I finally was lent my HAB, I absolutely relied on it to get stuff done whilst DS slept for an hour or two, finally!
Second thing is that recently I've been doing some reading into Elimination Communication, which I want to practice for the next one (which as far as I know hasn't even been conceived yet). I'm not saying you need to do this, before I go on - I read something in my readings that was very illuminating. Part of his waking may be that he's wetting himself or needing to do a poo and he is letting you know. Babies are born not wanting to soil themselves and we train them out of this by keeping them in nappies (because of our lifestyles, where we are often in a situation that doesn't allow us to pull a nappy off to let baby 'go' in a nearby bucket etc). I have read in various sources anecdotes about babies who ceased crying immediately after waking up and being allowed to toilet, or to have a nappy change, and gradually sleeping for longer when they knew their parents were on the same page and would see to them having a dry nappy on at all times (or no nappy, whichever method they were using).
Anyway, my point is that even if you're not into EC, it could well be that after that amount of time in bed, your little one needs to do a wee or poo and doesn't want to let it go because of the discomfort of having to eliminate in a nappy. Some babies are more sensitive to this than others. The anecdotes suggest that there are lots of babies who's undiagnosed 'unsettledness' has disappeared with more attentive nappy changes (or just not using them, where practical). I'm suggesting keeping a real eye on nappies, disposable or cloth, and when your baby is really upset, pull the nappy off and give him a chance to be clean. The worst that can happen is that you discover this is not the problem and you can discount this as a reason!
Now, I'm going to second the ABA idea and suggest that not only you call them about the feeding, but also go along to your local group meeting. There will be babies of varying ages, there will be first time mothers as well as mothers of more than one baby. This was fantastic for me when DS was little because my mothers group wasn't formed till he was 4 months old and I started my ABA group when DS was 2 weeks old. I loved the wealth of experience my group offered, as well as the company of mummies to babies the same age as DS.
I was able to ignore all the 'shoulds' and the 'rod for your back' comments because my Booby Club was 100% behind me and believed in my instinctual skill to mother my baby against the prevailing wisdom of routines, sleep schools etc.
Anyway, you're in such a fuzz right now and it sounds like you need to give yourself a break from the self-beatings. I've known women here on BB to recommend and swear by deciding on a day to just nude up and stay in bed with their baby (also nuded up to a nappy or less) and let the baby have unrestricted access to boob and cuddles for that whole day. Clear the decks in your diary for that day so that you're under no pressure to be anywhere or to be anything to anyone except mummy to your baby.
It really sounds like you want to reconnect with your baby and the pressure to conform to all the 'should' messages we get from health nurses and baby training books is overwhelming you, hun. Your baby actually knows a hell of a lot more than he will ever be aware of and all he is doing is responding to some very compelling messages his body is giving him...we just have to trust and figure out what is going to alleviate their discomfort...it's not easy, and we're here to support you whilst you go on this journey.
Sorry for throwing more things into the mix. There is no 'one size fits all' method for babies. Similar signs and behaviours from other babies don't necessarily mean the problem is the same - just the reactions to the problem are.
again - you are doing the best you can and that is all you can ask of yourself, and your baby wants just that, you and your best (not someone else's best). You are his world, hun - it starts and ends with you, as far as he's concerned, and that's just how it is
ETA: was thinking about it some more in the shower and forgot to mention that hair falling out at this stage is completely normal! During pregnancy your hair doesn't fall out and some months after the birth the ones that would have fallen out otherwise start to shed. I lost heaps of hair (not that I cared, cos my hair is normally incredibly, impossibly thick!) at this time, and I had been forewarned that it would happen, too, from the wonderful mummies I got to know who had previous children.
I would really caution against using baby training books at this stage. For both of your wellbeing in the short and long term, it can lead to maladaptive behaviour if you override whatever he's trying to tell you by teaching him to ignore it and to 'self-settle' instead. It's very rewarding the first time you pick up on something your baby is telling you and you realise that you've done something to alleviate their stress, just by listening to them and trusting.
This last bit may attract flak from other members and I'm posting it because this site's original aim was for gentle, instinctual parenting (as a reaction to PND and the disconnectedness from instinct and your baby that baby training can create, by the site's creator).
Many women have walked the path you are walking now. Knowing that may or may not inspire you to get through this time more peacefully and patiently.
This time with your baby is such a blip on the timescale of his life and the time that you will be actively caring for him. If you wish away this time, you also wish away the precious elements that are embedded in it that you don't get at any other time of your child's life. I'd urge you to speak to a counsellor to keep on top of your feelings (especially as you describe yourself as being socially isolated - not a natural situation for human mummies), make sure you don't have a form of PND and get into some kind of sync with Jude, who just wants you to be you and no-one else.
You have empathy here a squillion times over in BB!

[Lolli]

Getting him asleep isn't really the problem (although sometimes it is incredibly difficult), it's keeping him asleep. Maybe he's hungry ... maybe I really don't have enough boob milk but it doesn't help that he falls asleep while feeding and suckles instead of feeding. Sometimes I think it would be better for him if I gave up breastfeeding and just gave him measured doses from the bottle. I can't express so there's no way I could feed him EBM, so it's formula or boob.

Hun, I don't think it would be hunger if, as you said, he is normally quite settled for play time after a feed. Putting him on a bottle may not help at all- it could give him bellyaches, the formula might not agree with him and washing, sterilising and making up bottles is way harder than bf'ing and may make you even tireder.

Please give the ABA a call. The number is (07) 3844 8977 or (07) 3844 8166 for QLD (sorry, I htought it was a 1800, it's not). They can give you great advice and maybe some more insight on the feeding than what we can.

Hang on in there. I am thinking of you. It sounds like, from your last post, you are doing everything right- everything all the baby books say and then some. I am thinking of you. As Mayaness mentioned, it will soon seem like all this was very long time ago (my bubs is only just one and already it seems like ages ago for me).

'Cause I don't know what else I can do...

ETA- Trying to give you some love for that last post Maya but I have to spread it around first... great post

[Lulu]

OMG I firmly believe that having a baby that won't settle is the most demoralizing thing that can ever be.

I had an unsettled one and I nearly lost my brain AND I had a Dp here 24/7. We had to tag team to get any sleep. I lived in PJ's for 4 months. We were both wondering what on earth we were doing that was SO WRONG for this child to cry so much.
I tried every reflux remedy known to man, we rocked, we cuddled, we didn't.....

Do try to get out once a day, even if its to the letterbox or up the street with bubs in a pram. That can really work and the screaming doesn't seem so loud outside)

Please speak out in your baby buddies section. For all those posting from a perfect babymoon, there are probably about 25 going through exactly the same thing as you, and not wanting to post either. One of my Baby Buddies posted something similar to you, and I had the nerve to speak up too. OMG it was brilliant having someone to whinge to that really knew what you were going through.

I doubt it's you milk, keep him on it. DS started to settle about 4 months, but then self-weaned when he was 5 months (I got pregnant again). THEN there was a whole heap of hassles with formula, it took us a while to find him one that suited, and it just got worse from there. I think dairy was a huge problem and it has been the same for many other mothers with unsettled bubs. My boy still can't drink milk and was adverse to it when it came to solids too.
Some babies are just very very hard to settle, and sometimes its just their little personalities.

HTH

* I just had to go back and edit my smartarse comment about the length of Maya's post and mine ended up just as long...

[Smoke Jaguar]

Ah, no, Lulu, not quite as long...I win!
I think my shortest ever posts were the ones I posted in my Baby Buddies section in the first 10 or so weeks of DS's life, when he had Tongue Tie (then got it snipped and had to get used to his new tongue), I had nipple damage and nipple vasospasm. It probably seemed that I was having a fantastic babymoon because I didn't dwell on these things in my posts (but I did mention them), instead focussing on the lovely bits - which were genuine and actually pulled me through that time that would otherwise have become a blur and wiped from my mind! Anyway, my point is that it might help for you to confess to your Baby Buddies. A few in our group had similar 'settling' issues, stopped BFing, regretted it cos it didn't help, and ended up being diagnosed with forms of PND. These beautiful women were also the ones who didn't have any support around them and were isolated from family and friends. Your local ABA group is not just there to sort out booby issues, they are very much there to provide mother to mother support in your parenting journey. Without my group, I have no idea where I'd be. They are amongst my trusted friends now.
I also remembered another nugget. This one from my first MCHN - keep it simple. Go back to basics when things are going pearshaped - is baby fed, clean, rested, cool/warm enough? Then go from there. She was gold (she left the service, sadly!) and this saved me from overdiagnosing and overcomplicating our lives in those early days.
We're all thinking of you!