I completely lost it.

[chepie]

Oh hun sounds like you have a lot going on and sometimes there is only so much a person can deal with..... I think you are an amazing lady oxoxo

[Tuesday's Child]

it's not a case of "you're the adult, you are 100% responsible" - yes, you need to talk through what happened, admit that you were wrong, and deal with that - but your DD still did something wrong, and she needs to know that. she needs to know that ripping books/hitting the others or whatever else she has done is not acceptable and why. she is old enough to understand if you can talk to her

if you have the time (or can make it), yeah, you need help learning techniques to help you deal with the anger issues. but today, that's not possible - so you just have to deal with what has happened as effectively as possible - no blame, just accepting responsibility kwim??

i admire you opening up and reaching out for help hun. i was talking to someone on skype and fessed up cos i was a mess - i didn't make it to BB though. none of us are perfect, we all have triggers - and i guess you have found one that you now need to learn to "control".

massive hugs my friend

^^yeah that

I think you're an amazing mum who had a bad day.

[sas85]

Well I read your post and I thought - life as an imperfect mother, and good on you for being honest, realizing you need to work on something and planning on doing it . Than I read some of the replies and thought did I read the same post or did I read about someone who beat their child and locked them in a wardrobe?? Obviously you recognize the issue, you reacted in anger and frustration - I don't think smacking is the issue whatsoever, but then I don't have any issue with smacking itself provided it's not hurtful or out of anger - the problem is your self control only took you so far this time. Let's not forget you did show self control - you smacked your child on their bottom and threw them into bed, you didn't assault them and throw them on the ground or into a wall like a DOCS case, you just need to show some more so you can stick to your boundaries and discipline with more restraint next time - I second screaming into a pillow, or locking yourself into the toilet putting your hands in your ears and singing loudly for a couple of minutes when it all gets too much - then taking it on.

You're a good mum, you just had a moment, we all do.

[Rouge]

Whilst I might not have been so forward I tend to agree with Miss Em.

Am I judging you? Hell no. I have done the same thing. Do I think you need help? No. But yes I do believe it is important as adults to take responsibility for our actions. And I think turning around and only talking about what your DD did wrong is only going to say to her that your actions are justified. And the next time she's upset and lashes out and then gets in trouble for reacting the exact same way you did she will be hurt, severely so and feel confused as to why it was not ok.

I saw a psych a few years back regarding some issues I had with my past. I talked to her about my temper with my kids. And the one thing she said to me was this. It's not as simple as being "the perfect parent" but how you deal with your reactions is what makes you a good parent vs. a bad parent. In that she meant yes, I am going to lose my temper but how I rectify that and how I take responsibility for my actions is what makes you the kind of parent you are.

My children know I am not perfect and that is what I want them to know. That I am not some idol that they put on a pedestal that when they hit teen years they realise, the bubble bursts and then our relationship breaks when they look back and add up all my faults - which they do, and we've all done as young adults.

I parent the way I do not just for now, not just for them but also for me... so that in the future they never feel lied to, or betrayed by me or my actions.

Also please don't think that in anyway you are awful. You are not. You are human. The fact that you've reached out here makes you awesome. Don't lose sight of that. None of us are perfect, but it's how we deal with our imperfections that separates us xxx

[beckoes]

I totally have moments like that, dd1 can be a bit....much...at times and i have yelled SHUT UP at her before. i felt terrible, cried, she hugged me, we said sorry to each other and got on with life!

Sometimes anger is hard to control butthe fact that you can identify that you find it hard to control is half way to controling it....shall i say control again ???

Hugs to you. xxx

[MissEm]

Well I read your post and I thought - life as an imperfect mother, and good on you for being honest, realizing you need to work on something and planning on doing it . Than I read some of the replies and thought did I read the same post or did I read about someone who beat their child and locked them in a wardrobe??

Um, ouch? I only assume this post is about my reply, but where did I say anything about her being abusive and there being an issue with smacking? I didn't.
I replied to this thread because the OP stated that she realised she had issues, and asked how she could get control of her anger. I suggested she see a professional to learn some appropriate coping mechanisms.
Then someone else replied and suggested she give her daughter a kiss and cuddle and then tell her daughter what her daughter did wrong. I have opposing opinions on that advice given, so I spoke up. It isn't a crime?

My opinions of smacking haven't been expressed in this thread, at all. Nor have I even insinuated that the OP abused her child. If it is so important, I do think there is an issue with smacking if it is a reaction of anger. I have a slight suspicion the OP is not ok with how she dealt with the situation, and is reaching out for how she can react differently, more appropriately should she be presented with a similar situation. I commend her for that. She is a strong woman and no doubt a lovely mother. I can't speak about her on a personal level like everyone else here.

I don't really see what exactly is wrong with my posts?

[briggsy's girl]

I replied to this thread because the OP stated that she realised she had issues, and asked how she could get control of her anger. I suggested she see a professional to learn some appropriate coping mechanisms.
Then someone else replied and suggested she give her daughter a kiss and cuddle and then tell her daughter what her daughter did wrong. I have opposing opinions on that advice given, so I spoke up. It isn't a crime?

i think the problem with your reply is that it appeared you were saying that the child didn't need to face any consequences for her own actions, and everything is on mum's head. Maybe i read it wrong - but if i did, so did a lot of others from the replies in here

Yeah, Mel made a mistake in her reaction - she is trying to take ownership and work on it so that it doesn't happen again

But so did her DD - and she can't say "ok, you did nothing wrong, and mummy acted like a banshee woman" - that's not the way real life works! is it not sprouted, regularly, that the way to get people of all ages to understand they screwed up, is to tell them how it made you feel - so, "when you ripped the page out of the book, you really upset mummy. you shouldn't rip books because then we can't read the story together" or whatever other approach you want to take. BUT, you still have to explain actions and consequences or a child will not learn. it's fine for Mel to turn around and say "Miss K, i'm sorry i yelled at you. i shouldn't have yelled at you. i shouldn't have sent you to your room like that" - and maybe even to discuss what is a more appropriate consequence for the action in future if she so desires. but her little girls needs to know still that what SHE did was wrong. what SHE did has consequences.

I'm pretty sure the OP is feeling pretty damn crap about her actions anyway. and to have it implied that there should be no consequence for her daughters actions and she deserves to be held fully accountable - it just doesn't wash. Maybe you didn't mean it that way - maybe you did. your later replies make me think you did but i'm only going on the words you've written.

Actions - consequences. Both parties need help. Both parties need to see they're "fault" in this matter. Both parties need to work together for a proportional response. if the DD in this instance gets a gushing "mummy is sorry, i'll never do it again" and nothing more, she's not going to learn that there are consequences for acting out as she has been doing.

[Rouge]

I agree.

When things have happened like this before in my house, I would say something along the way of.

Yes you shouldn't have done xyz but you mummy shouldn't have done xyz either. And just because you did xyz, doesn't mean you deserved xyz." At her age though I'm not quite sure she would understand that. Mutual apologies would be good though.

[MissEm]

Thank you Rogue, that it the point I was trying to make.

Briggsys Girl, I did suggest the OP talk to her daughter about the way she treated the book (see my quote), and how we don't treat things like that and that we need to respect our stuff. Her daughter does need to know that what she did was wrong,, but she also needs to know that what mummy did was wrong and that it wasn't her fault that mummy reacted that way.

I'm sorry but no, don't do this. Say sorry to her and tell her that what MUMMY did was wrong and why. Then maybe talk about why we don't break things, and that we respect things.

Do not blame your daughter for your actions. You are the adult and you are the one that should be capable of controlling you actions. It is not your daughters fault that you acted the way you do.

I'm sorry if I was too direct, I'm only new here and still finding my feet. I don't know who is who and going through what, and without being on a personal level I do come across a bit too direct. I don't mean to.

[Footsteps]

Mel your a great mum and life's not easy. Huge hugs xxx


Sent from my iPhone via Tapatalk x

[Arcadia]

Huge hugs Mel

I've totally btdt. My rage is out there at times and I can roar like a birthing woman in anger! It might help if you could out for a walk each day and clear your head...it helps me.

MissE don't stress about all the responses, but you may have noticed we try and couch advice within niceties and support...your direct approach is welcome but a bit different from what we're used to. Welcome to bb!

[Just Me]

i think the problem with your reply is that it appeared you were saying that the child didn't need to face any consequences for her own actions, and everything is on mum's head. Maybe i read it wrong - but if i did, so did a lot of others from the replies in here

I didn't read it like that ... she did say

Say sorry to her and tell her that what MUMMY did was wrong and why. Then maybe talk about why we don't break things, and that we respect things.

I don't think that the post was saying that DD1 shouldn't take any responsibility, just that it shouldn't be used as an excuse for doing that.

I understood what the post was getting at and it didn't sound to me like there was any ill intention.

MissEm, it takes a while to find your feet. I think once you get used to it (and things being a bit harder to interpret from behind a computer screen), you'll come to see that BB is a great place to be. FWIW, I think your advice was quite good, but it is a bit of an art to learn to put it in a way that is not interpreted wrong from behind a computer screen. I think we all learn that lesson the hard way

[diva det]

no judgement here
no advice
just plenty of hugs

[Rouge]

MissEm, it takes a while to find your feet. I think once you get used to it (and things being a bit harder to interpret from behind a computer screen), you'll come to see that BB is a great place to be. FWIW, I think your advice was quite good, but it is a bit of an art to learn to put it in a way that is not interpreted wrong from behind a computer screen. I think we all learn that lesson the hard way

Well said Don't be afraid MissEm

[briggsy's girl]

Briggsys Girl, I did suggest the OP talk to her daughter about the way she treated the book (see my quote), and how we don't treat things like that and that we need to respect our stuff. Her daughter does need to know that what she did was wrong,, but she also needs to know that what mummy did was wrong and that it wasn't her fault that mummy reacted that way.

sorry, but no, i was referring to your original post

You need to seek professional help, its the only way you will learn techniques to help control your emotions.

You also need to apologise to your daughter.

there was nothing in this post about the child learning that all actions have consequences. this is the one that probably got most people on the defensive. you may have later clarified about speak to the child, but your first post, the one that many people responded to - put the onus 100% on the OP for taking full responsibility. it appears you only further clarified about speaking to her child when you were called on this one. you then backed yourself further by having a dig at Feeb for saying to her to give her daughter a hug and kiss and explain to her how her actions were wrong. you clearly said, as you have again quoted. NO DON"T DO THAT. Tell her that MUMMY is wrong and why. then MAYBE talk to her about what she herself did wrong.

i think we have all jumped in to defend Mel (and Feeb) because we know her (them). we've known her for a long time - we've come to care about her. when she reached out, spilling her guts, and your first reply was what it was, yeah, we're going to jump in. I hope she didn't take offense to as so many of us did.

BB is an awesome community - and when it feels like one of us is being attacked, a whole bunch of mumma bears will jump to their defence. hopefully you'll stick around, get to know the vibe of the place, the members, and become an integral part of this community that we will eventually jump in to support and defend if/when it's needed. this one has been a baptism of fire for you and it would appear you've put quite a few of us offside - hopefully it's a one off thing

[feeb]

sorry, but no, i was referring to your original post



there was nothing in this post about the child learning that all actions have consequences. this is the one that probably got most people on the defensive. you may have later clarified about speak to the child, but your first post, the one that many people responded to - put the onus 100% on the OP for taking full responsibility. it appears you only further clarified about speaking to her child when you were called on this one. you then backed yourself further by having a dig at Feeb for saying to her to give her daughter a hug and kiss and explain to her how her actions were wrong. you clearly said, as you have again quoted. NO DON"T DO THAT. Tell her that MUMMY is wrong and why. then MAYBE talk to her about what she herself did wrong.

i think we have all jumped in to defend Mel (and Feeb) because we know her (them). we've known her for a long time - we've come to care about her. when she reached out, spilling her guts, and your first reply was what it was, yeah, we're going to jump in. I hope she didn't take offense to as so many of us did.

BB is an awesome community - and when it feels like one of us is being attacked, a whole bunch of mumma bears will jump to their defence. hopefully you'll stick around, get to know the vibe of the place, the members, and become an integral part of this community that we will eventually jump in to support and defend if/when it's needed. this one has been a baptism of fire for you and it would appear you've put quite a few of us offside - hopefully it's a one off thing

Well said hun thank you very much!! I have stayed out of this as I have better things to do that have to justify myself to people who have been here 5 mins and think they know everyones history and circumstances.

[onthefly]

In the OP, Nerd asked about controlling her own behaviour, not about what to do with her DD, so I think Miss Em's response addressed that specific question.

[missbelinda77]

Mrs NB - I just wanted to give you lots of hugs & support. Your post shows how brave you are to look at yourself and try and address what to do if you find yourself in a similar situation - and I'm sure you will, as you are juggling so much!

As past of my responsibilities of being a foster carer I am currently participating in a study on reparative care/managing child behaviours and it's helped me to look at how I react under stress. For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic - how do you react?: Fight, Flight or Freeze. Mine is fight, it makes me angry. So from there we've looked at what can trigger that response and what type of "safety plan" I have in place to ensure that I don't elevate to unsafe level. Then we've looked at each of the children in our care and what their reactions are etc and from there we have looked at how they combine. The training also covers circle of security, that another person mentioned here, and our foster agency is big on promoting this type of program. It has all been very beneficial, so have a google.

Before taking on 3 young children I thought I was in pretty good control of my reactions, and I've been surprised at the emotions that have surfaced when they push my buttons. So I do commend you for openly discussing it, but don't be too hard on yourself...you have a lot on your plate and I don't care what anyone says, noone is perfect.

Bel xx