Not coping with my life!

[Emikati]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to BB and I decided to join because I need help. I am a relatively new mother my dd is 6 1/2 months old and I am not coping well.
Before I decided to have a baby I was under an extreme amount of pressure doing a Masters degree that nearly destroyed my marriage, health and anything else that it could touch. I never wanted children, but I decided to have a baby after teaching developmental psychology and realising that I really did want to try this thing called parenting.

I have a condition called fibromyalgia and never considered that this would be a problem because it had been dormant for 9 years. I got pregnant and had a fairly tough pregnancy. Almost everything caused me pain. I didn't mind so much except I couldn't do the housework. I never went through the nesting phase, but I needed the house to be spotless. Also, my husband is a very busy guy and he wasn't around a lot so this didn't help. I don't have any support as my family live is SA and I am in QLD.

My mum came up for the last 8 weeks and this helped a lot. I was greatful to her for her support.

When time came for the big push I had a tough road. I was terrified of giving birth and hired a doula to support me. She was fantastic and I have no regrets, but my bub got stuck due to an asynclitc presentation and I pushed for seven hours. I ended up with 3rd degree tearing and couldn't get up or pick up bub for six weeks.

I was trying for an unplanned homebirth but that didn't happen due to the problems and then to top it all off DD fed for 36 hours straight thanks to the midwife who woke her at 3am. I got 7 hours sleep in 96 hours. When I got home I passed out and literally couldn't move. Even now nearly 7 months later I am traumatised by this experience and everytime dd cluster feeds (thank God it is much less often now) I have flashbacks to the hospital.

My fibro flared up and I couldn't even hold her for weeks. I spent a lot of time laying down. I am now able to carry her for short periods, but she is at that stage where she doesn't want to be put down and it is killing me. I have a sling and it helps but it is not the be all and end all and I find I use it infrequently around the house. It doesn't help that she is a small giant and already comes two thirds of the way up my legs (I'm 5'8" by the way)

DD also hates the stroller and I am now housebound because I can't carry her for a long walk and my DH is never home to help. He gets up before dd is awake and is home after she is in bed.

I am also now going through a formal complaint process for my masters and I am barely keeping it together. Up to this point I have coped remarkably well. But I am not coping now. With my health, lack of support, the birth trauma and my Masters fiasco I am really struggling. I am not spending quality time with dd and I feel so guilty about that. I am not sleeping very well and dd doesn't sleep well during the day (thank God she sleeps 12 hours at night) so I don't get to catch up at all.

On top of all of that all of my so called friends (not all I have two who understand) just tell me that they did it and just strap her in the stroller and let her scream. I am at my wits end and don't know how much longer I can do this for.

[TwinsMummy]

Wow you have been through a really tough time but here at bb we are all here to help if you need someone to chat to. You are really a tough lady with everything you have gone through we were meant to have children because we are stronger than men. Having a young child and having the traumatic birth you had are not going to be easy. It def sounds like you need some time out for you eg shopping, massage, movies, lunch. But your life sounds alot like mine no time for yourself. Stay strong and im here if you ever want to chat.

[Emikati]

Thanks I really need time out, but I have only had five hours away from dd since she was born. I don't have the funds for much or the energy for evening stuff and I have no one to take her during the day. I want to avoid childcare till shes older (not that I have a problem with childcare, great concept just not yet).

I am however getting the evening to myself at the moment. I sent my husband to church with bub. Mind you he is not much better than me in terms of emotional status so we are really not coping well at present. He is the Children's Pastor, but in three weeks he is stepping down from his role. I am hoping I can make it till then. But I really don't think that will help a lot. He works such long hours and we only see each other in bed.

[jmmum]

Emikati,
You poor thing what a torrid time you have been having. My best friend was like you never wanted kids. She really struggled with the first and your story is so similar to hers. She now has four kids and she is just the best mum.
My DD hated the pram to. I got her a Smart trike (Target) and put her in that she just loves it we go on long walks and she comes home exhausted. I've been using it since she was about 9 months. I have even used it at the supermarket felt a bit odd the first time but got over that. Aas you bub is big she might be able to sit on trike? Just a thought. Hope things start to get a little easier for you and you can enjoy your DD to the max.

[Emikati]

Emikati,
You poor thing what a torrid time you have been having. My best friend was like you never wanted kids. She really struggled with the first and your story is so similar to hers. She now has four kids and she is just the best mum.
My DD hated the pram to. I got her a Smart trike (Target) and put her in that she just loves it we go on long walks and she comes home exhausted. I've been using it since she was about 9 months. I have even used it at the supermarket felt a bit odd the first time but got over that. Aas you bub is big she might be able to sit on trike? Just a thought. Hope things start to get a little easier for you and you can enjoy your DD to the max.

Thanks for that, I have one on layby for christmas. She's not really stable yet but should be by then.

[MistyFying]

Hi Emikati

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I have a close friend who has fibromyalgia and a few years back she had a really bad year. Since then she has improved gradually and now it has much less impact on her day-to-day life.

It sounds like your friends aren't really *getting* how hard you're doing it at the moment... is there someone else (like a mentor or someone you know from church who will be a good listener?) who you can talk to?

Even if there isn't, I hope you will find courage and hope from the stories of the women and men in the BB community, and that you will find peace for your soul and re-kindled joy

[belle75]

Big Emikati. You have been through so much! Sorry I don't have much advise, just wanted to pop in and offer some support. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for and that things get better for you. Sorry you had to go through all that hun.