Not coping with my life!

[Emikati]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to BB and I decided to join because I need help. I am a relatively new mother my dd is 6 1/2 months old and I am not coping well.
Before I decided to have a baby I was under an extreme amount of pressure doing a Masters degree that nearly destroyed my marriage, health and anything else that it could touch. I never wanted children, but I decided to have a baby after teaching developmental psychology and realising that I really did want to try this thing called parenting.

I have a condition called fibromyalgia and never considered that this would be a problem because it had been dormant for 9 years. I got pregnant and had a fairly tough pregnancy. Almost everything caused me pain. I didn't mind so much except I couldn't do the housework. I never went through the nesting phase, but I needed the house to be spotless. Also, my husband is a very busy guy and he wasn't around a lot so this didn't help. I don't have any support as my family live is SA and I am in QLD.

My mum came up for the last 8 weeks and this helped a lot. I was greatful to her for her support.

When time came for the big push I had a tough road. I was terrified of giving birth and hired a doula to support me. She was fantastic and I have no regrets, but my bub got stuck due to an asynclitc presentation and I pushed for seven hours. I ended up with 3rd degree tearing and couldn't get up or pick up bub for six weeks.

I was trying for an unplanned homebirth but that didn't happen due to the problems and then to top it all off DD fed for 36 hours straight thanks to the midwife who woke her at 3am. I got 7 hours sleep in 96 hours. When I got home I passed out and literally couldn't move. Even now nearly 7 months later I am traumatised by this experience and everytime dd cluster feeds (thank God it is much less often now) I have flashbacks to the hospital.

My fibro flared up and I couldn't even hold her for weeks. I spent a lot of time laying down. I am now able to carry her for short periods, but she is at that stage where she doesn't want to be put down and it is killing me. I have a sling and it helps but it is not the be all and end all and I find I use it infrequently around the house. It doesn't help that she is a small giant and already comes two thirds of the way up my legs (I'm 5'8" by the way)

DD also hates the stroller and I am now housebound because I can't carry her for a long walk and my DH is never home to help. He gets up before dd is awake and is home after she is in bed.

I am also now going through a formal complaint process for my masters and I am barely keeping it together. Up to this point I have coped remarkably well. But I am not coping now. With my health, lack of support, the birth trauma and my Masters fiasco I am really struggling. I am not spending quality time with dd and I feel so guilty about that. I am not sleeping very well and dd doesn't sleep well during the day (thank God she sleeps 12 hours at night) so I don't get to catch up at all.

On top of all of that all of my so called friends (not all I have two who understand) just tell me that they did it and just strap her in the stroller and let her scream. I am at my wits end and don't know how much longer I can do this for.

[TwinsMummy]

Wow you have been through a really tough time but here at bb we are all here to help if you need someone to chat to. You are really a tough lady with everything you have gone through we were meant to have children because we are stronger than men. Having a young child and having the traumatic birth you had are not going to be easy. It def sounds like you need some time out for you eg shopping, massage, movies, lunch. But your life sounds alot like mine no time for yourself. Stay strong and im here if you ever want to chat.

[Emikati]

Thanks I really need time out, but I have only had five hours away from dd since she was born. I don't have the funds for much or the energy for evening stuff and I have no one to take her during the day. I want to avoid childcare till shes older (not that I have a problem with childcare, great concept just not yet).

I am however getting the evening to myself at the moment. I sent my husband to church with bub. Mind you he is not much better than me in terms of emotional status so we are really not coping well at present. He is the Children's Pastor, but in three weeks he is stepping down from his role. I am hoping I can make it till then. But I really don't think that will help a lot. He works such long hours and we only see each other in bed.

[jmmum]

Emikati,
You poor thing what a torrid time you have been having. My best friend was like you never wanted kids. She really struggled with the first and your story is so similar to hers. She now has four kids and she is just the best mum.
My DD hated the pram to. I got her a Smart trike (Target) and put her in that she just loves it we go on long walks and she comes home exhausted. I've been using it since she was about 9 months. I have even used it at the supermarket felt a bit odd the first time but got over that. Aas you bub is big she might be able to sit on trike? Just a thought. Hope things start to get a little easier for you and you can enjoy your DD to the max.

[Emikati]

Emikati,
You poor thing what a torrid time you have been having. My best friend was like you never wanted kids. She really struggled with the first and your story is so similar to hers. She now has four kids and she is just the best mum.
My DD hated the pram to. I got her a Smart trike (Target) and put her in that she just loves it we go on long walks and she comes home exhausted. I've been using it since she was about 9 months. I have even used it at the supermarket felt a bit odd the first time but got over that. Aas you bub is big she might be able to sit on trike? Just a thought. Hope things start to get a little easier for you and you can enjoy your DD to the max.

Thanks for that, I have one on layby for christmas. She's not really stable yet but should be by then.

[MistyFying]

Hi Emikati

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I have a close friend who has fibromyalgia and a few years back she had a really bad year. Since then she has improved gradually and now it has much less impact on her day-to-day life.

It sounds like your friends aren't really *getting* how hard you're doing it at the moment... is there someone else (like a mentor or someone you know from church who will be a good listener?) who you can talk to?

Even if there isn't, I hope you will find courage and hope from the stories of the women and men in the BB community, and that you will find peace for your soul and re-kindled joy

[belle75]

Big Emikati. You have been through so much! Sorry I don't have much advise, just wanted to pop in and offer some support. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for and that things get better for you. Sorry you had to go through all that hun.

[kelebek]

Hi Emikati & to BB.

First some massive cyber coming your way.... and it sounds like it is quite difficult for you at the moment. Please know that you are not alone & I feel exactly the same at times & I just don't know if I am cut out for this mothering caper (for different reasons of course)
I was always torn about having kids, not sure if I really wanted to so I can understand that & then life happens & you find yourself a mummy (for whatever reason). Being a mum is so different to anything else I have done & often feel overwhelmed with everything I am expected to do. It is such a huge adjustment. I thought it would be easier than it is, the theory is easy, putting things into practice isn't always so....
It is also difficult when you are stuck at home & isolated like you are TBH I feel like I am going bonkers sometimes, the routine just drives me nuts. I don't have much support either so I find BB invaluable. Maybe debriefing about your birth experience will help you to come to terms with your traumatic time (there is a section for disappointing births or see someone professional) you experience then.

I have to say that with everything you have endured I think you have done really well to get to this point & still be functioning so congragulations.

I don't like to let DS cry either & I hate strapping in his highchair or pram cause he just cries until I take him out. Which is what people tell me to do so I can get some housework done... my only suggestion would be to get a cleaner in a few hours a week to do the big jobs like bathroom/toilet & floors so you don't have to worry so much & can spend some quality time with DD?

The 2 friends you mention who do understand are you able to come to an agreement where if they have kids you look after their kids for an afternoon or 2 & then they look after DD for you for an afternoon or 2 to give you a break & chance to work on masters, have some me time or housework?

Are you able to go to local mothers group or playgroups to get you out of the house, is there a park nearby where you can take DD just to get out of the house sometimes?

Have you thought about getting some counselling?

I am not sure what fibromyalgia is so sorry in advance if what I am suggesting isn't feasible but hope you get something out of this.

Please let us know how you go

[Emikati]

Thanks for the support everyone,

Mistyfying, I went to all of my friends at church and they were the ones that said to just strap dd into the stroller, or they did it. Don't get me wrong I love them but they just don't understand that it is not just dd I am dealing with.

belle75, thanks for the support, I had a bout of FMS 11 years ago and I will admit that it was much worse than this episode. I guess it wasn't diagnosed before and got really bad before they worked out what to do.

njd, Thanks for your story. It's nice to feel that you're not alone out there and your advice was useful.

At the moment we can't afford food let alone a cleaner. It just adds to the pressure that DH and I are under. I begged my mum to come up for a few days, but my dad has just been diagnosed with diabetes and prostate cancer so she doesn't want to leave him alone. Completely understandable really.

The two friends I have one is sicker than me and she has a mother with MS so she is not really there for me to lean on. Again understandable. The other works during the day. That's really when I need the support and am not getting it. So I am on my own.

I have thought about a mothers group, but I am not the social type. The thought of joining a group of mothers to spend time chatting about babies is not my idea of fun . I struggle to go to the supermarket because I have to meet people (actually I'm not that bad, but I just don't do strangers well). I'll have to keep thinking about it.

As for counselling, I have definately thought about that. I am a psychologist! Unfortunately being a psychologist I have a bias towards counselling and I don't really want to go there. I have also been hurt really badly by other psychologists over the past 3 years (my Masters) and I don't want to expose myself to that again if I can avoid it. I know that I am in self preservation mode at the moment, but it is all that I am capable of at present.

I am really hoping that just talking through this at BB will be all that I need to deal with this problem.

Thanks again everyone.

[Claire-Bear]

Just sending you a big hug and a listening ear.

[AnyDream]

Oh I'm really feeling for you, it sounds as if you feel both 'stuck' and overwhelmed.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. You may need to make some tough decisions in order to wrangle your life back under control. That might mean considering home-based child care or a shared babysitting arrangement just to give yourself a break, or finding a counsellor so that you can debrief and start to heal the traumatic experiences you have had. That might be someone with more of a spiritual bent than a regular psychologist, kwim, or even talking with your doula? You may need to discuss antidepressants with your dr or even just to hook into some sort of support service that might be available in your area.

Re the stroller, have you tried to introduce it by just keeping it in the room so your DD can see it, touch it, etc and get used to it for a little while, then try her in it for very short periods when she is well rested and well fed and engaged with a toy that she likes...lots of tiny short exposures might help her get used to the stroller, kwim? We had problems with a new bath that we bought for our DD and did this, just let her have it near and see it and eventually play with it, before sitting her in there for short periods in the lounge room where we spent most of our time, with lots of happy noises and encouraging facial expressions. It worked and she was quite happy to go in the bath after about 10 days. Might be worth a try...?

[soon2be]

Hi Emikati,

good to see you on here!! It sounds like things have been really difficult for you. Completely understandable. You've said how you' re not coping. It seems like you really need to vent. That's what we're here for. You could also dump your thoughts into a diary. If you're scared of talking to counsellors maybe that would help?? If you're having flashbacks then you should definitely think of seeing someone. Maybe see your GP. It's probably worthwhile doing that for your fibromyalgia if not anything else.

Re housework etc maybe think about pacing yourself - do little bits at a time. That should also help you keep a bit active which should help with managing your sympoms. Also, you're a Psychologist so you alreadyy have some really good skills. Use them!! Challenge your thinking and use deep breathing etc.

As I've said you clearly think you should talk to someone but your options are limited. You could call Tresillian 24 hours a day. Their number is 1800 637 357 (it's a freecall number).

Being a mum is so rewarding but it's hard work and it's tough. Things do get easier. In my own experience DS became more and more content the more independent he became. I too found it tough to strap DS into a stroller when he was screaming. Can't do it. Necessity is the mother of invention and distraction has worked a treat. I use puppets and all sorts of things to help change the mood if everything has been checked (food, nappies etc) and DS is still upset. Maybe try something like that?

Sorry I can't be of more help. I really wish you well. We're here for support. Good luck with everything.

[Emikati]

Thanks every one,

My Doula is fantastic and I had a loooong chat with her on Friday. I am feeling a lot better, just venting has helped me a lot. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it is just a pin***** at the moment. I have started to journal my experiences and I have some people who have rallied to support my husband and I (he's as bad as I am at the moment).

As for the stroller, DD seems a lot less clingy as my mood is getting better, so I may be able to use that, if not my doula suggested a specific type of sling that would be more suitable for my needs.

Thanks again everyone for your support it has helped me a lot.

[AnyDream]

Glad you are feeling a little better. It sounds as if a continuing conversation with your Doula, whenever you feel the need arise, could be exactly the right thing for you.

I too journal, it's my single most important mental health tool. Pictures can be just as important as words too, so make sure you've got some nice vivid oil pastels or watercolour pencils on hand if you ever feel the need.

And of course BB is always here whenever you need some support.

[Emikati]

Thanks Marydean,

I have recently discovered a hidden artistic aspect that I had suppressed most of my life so I think I need to do just that