i have not gone thru your path MummaB, we have not weaned yet, so i can only imagine what you are going thru.

it must hurt like hell, sounds like you made all those sacrifices to feed for the time you did, and now, i dunno, you're disappointed that your child doesn't still have the association of your breasts and the goodness he used to get from them.

that makes sense to me.

i've had bonding and PND issues since day one, and there are some things that just get "under my skin" about my DD too. and thigns i tie myself up in knots about.

e.g if only i had worn my bub in a sling, maybe we would have bonded properly

was her reluctance to smile for such a long time, due to the violent nature of her arrival (my uterus had this freak thing happen to it during delivery).

will i always be punished for having a emerg C, instead of the planned home waterbirth i worked towards.(my DD doesn't like to hug).

it's so hard not to let these thoughts consume my thinking.

i tell you these things, not to take over your thread, but to share with you, that in the depths of PND, it's easy to sucked into the vortex of negative thoughts.

i bet you would have reassuring things to say to me, about my worries. Apply that to yourself too.

i am not quite sure how, right now, but one day, you and i will work out beautiful ways of bonding with our children. And gradually, our grief, about not doing things wiht our babies, to the same idea as was in our ideals (slinging for me, long term bf-ing for you), will abate.

i personally think, any breastfeeding your child received from you, is a special gift. whether it was five minutes, five days, or five months.

and it's damm hard to keep going when mastitis et al strikes. but you did. so take a bow darling, cos you have already given SO MUCH to your DS. You might not get the acknowledgement of that FROM HIM, but i don't think many things we do for our kids, will get acknowledged by them. it will show up in other, less direct ways.

mothering is a thankless task, maybe that's the lesson.

other stuff we do in life, you get recognition, acceptance, praise.

SO MUCH of what you do as a mum, no=one else knows about, or no-one else sees, it's a selfless gift.

but we are human, we need recognition etc like everyone else. i think we need other ways to find it , is all.

i have found it hard to reconcile, how i could go thru such a traumatic event with my child (her arrival) and to think, she will have no memory of it, no understanding due to her age. i know it shouldn't, but it tears me up to think about it.

normally going thru something together, bonds you.

So in my own rambly confused way, i relate to you, and wish you all the best MummaB. PND is the pits.