Lulu, do you have my DD's twin over there!?
You have a high needs child. I would be surprised if she didn't turn out to be in some ways gifted.
I'll tell you about my DD a wee bit. She is high needs. She is go-go-go ALL THE TIME. She needs supervision every minute or she gets into all kinds of scrapes. She has abilities beyond her understanding (i.e. CAN climb the 30foot slides for 10+ year olds in the park and has no fear, and will also let go and not think anything of it until she hits the deck). She fights sleep. If i am not there she cries. If i am there she sings, laughs, chats and will NOT sleep.
Now we go through good times and bad times, but the thing that never goes away is asleep=off and awake=on. This means that every morning and after every nap (thank goodness she still naps!) she arrives barely awake next to me, staggering about, trying to climb stairs, eat, dance, before her body is online properly and then she has a giant tantrum. I seriously think her duvet is off and her feet on the floor BEFORE she's awake. She doesn't lie peacefully in bed. Either she falls asleep when her head hits the pillow or she cries, gets up or otherwise fights sleep. There is no peace IN her, and i actually practice deep breathing with her most days, to try to teach her how to find a calm place. Even other friends with toddlers her age have noticed how crazy wild she is.
My DD is sensitive, and i bet yours it too. ABSOLUTELY the home situation will have been making a difference, and does XP's changing work routine and visitation have an effoct OH MY GOD YES! For a MONTH after his new routine began we didn't have a full night's sleep. And on the occasions she got in with me she would be saying in her sleep "dada go 'way? Don't go mama!" and tossing and turning. It was a hard time for her, and she's only now just beginning to come through it. His routine is 4 days on, 4 days off, and he stays away when he's on, so we only see him half the week. DP comes over twice a week, regularly, but that is a total mismatch when superimposed of dada's week. And my baby is insecure. If your DD is like mine i'd be really surprised if she wasn't all over the place with the changes in routines going on. Some kids ARE very stable inside, and can cope very well with change, but others cannot. I couldn't, XP couldn't, DD can't. I can remember my mummy being my rock to cling to. I really needed that as a kid. Something inside me felt like without that place to hang on i would fly away. The whole world sort of rushed at and through and over me and i felt like i'd be swept away. I can still get that way. INterestingly enough i have recently learned that a lot of what i felt was towards the autism spectrum, and though i relate fine to others and can communicate and empathise so i'm not ON the spectrum, my dad is and he and i are very alike in some ways.
I digress (as usual). Can homelife be causing this? Yes. Do other families with custodial challenges and changes suffer this effect? Absolutely! You are NOT alone!!!
Tips? Well, nothing i do makes much difference, she seems to go through periods of really needing me and periods of it being fine. I stick to keeping the routine as rigid as possible, even when it feels like it's not working. I warn her it's nearly bath/showertime when there's 3-5 minutes to go. I bath/shower her. I wash her hair if i'm going to, i tend to sit on the lid of the loo seat and read or sing or chat or all three. She brushes her teeth. I take her out and wrap her in the towel and re-brush her teeth. I carry her into the bedroom and put her nappy and PJ's on her. We choose 3 stories. I get into bed with her (she's in a big bed- that helped! I moved her to a single bed and made a big deal of buying her a new pillow and duvet and sheets to go on them, and we talked about her big-girl bed for a while. I left the cot up in her room for a few weeks while she was transitioning and then one day i took it down and showed her it in the wardrobe where it's storing just now, and she definitely slept better afterwards - she thrashes about a lot and kept banging bits of herself off the bars) and cuddle her in and we read the three stories. I let her ask questions and chat about the stories if she needs to. After the 3 stories there is a book with 4 songs (rock-a-bye-baby, sleep baby sleep, twinkle twinkle, brahms lullaby) which we sing, then i sometimes, if requested, sing her German lullaby. Then i kiss and snuggle her and say good night and i leave.
On the nights she gets up, i say "it's bedtime honey" and put her back to bed, kiss and cnuggle her and leave. Repeating as necessary (my record in one night is 18 times). On the nights she screams i go back in and say "hey hey hey!? What's wrong darlin!? it's BEDtime!" and kiss and snuggle her. I often lay with her until she's calm again. If she chats i say night night and leave. If she's quiet but not sleeping i tell her i'm going and she will say "ok" and then i go. If she cries when i say i'm leaving i still leave, i tell her it's bedtime and i go. I walk to the kitchen window, which is about 13metres, and if she's still crying i turn right around and go back. Reapeating as necessary (my record is 9 times). Each time i go back i stay until she's settled.
Probably you've tried all this, and probably it hasn't worked, but it doesn't always work for me either. I have decided that consistency is the best i can give her and that though it is tempting to assume it's my parenting causing the problem, if what i'm doing works for 4 months and then doesn't it's unlikely it took her that long to get a "bad habit" from my actions.
I really think that with you now at home all the time she will be doing MUCH better in a few weeks. Put the proportion of time there's been upheaval in perspective with her life - my DD has had massive upheaval for a QUARTER of her life. It will take a lot of consistency for me to soothe that out, especially when there are upheavals and challenges to come (moving in with DP, new babies etc.). I read you telling another mama you tend to be like a bull at a gate with things - you do not NEED to "fix" this, you just need to be there for her through it, and there WILL be a through it. CHildhood is a journey, not a destination.
Much love
Bx
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I can feel your angst when I read that.
) is sick and going to bed a little easier so I put him in first (he is going to object to going to bed before her soon but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it), then do my pottering around with Beth behind me. I cant get the bed in until Dp comes over tomorrow, but until then I've left the side of the cot down and when she gets out I just walk her back in................and I will just keep doing that until.
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