Please don't feel bad for being honest, it's ok to have those thoughts. It doesn't make you a terrible person or mother.
I have been there, and it was so hard. You definitely need to talk to your doctor, or if you feel more comfortable, find a counsellor - call PANDA, they can direct you to someone that can help.

Are you still planning on going to the sleep school? Better sleep and some settling techniques will really help. It took me months to feel a proper connection to my baby... He's now 4 and a happy and healthy boy who I adore.