Giving Your Children The Things You Missed Out On As A Child.

[Lulu]

Very true Bath. My greatest memories are of our yearly holidays to Queenscliff - the first 2 weeks of the school year (easier to get time off work) so we had the entire beach to ourselves.

I probably could have done without the dancing, tennis and piano lessons as long as we still had those holidays.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS has cars and trains... something I missed out on growing up as Mum said they weren't for girls! I love playing with them now. I remember being left to CIO because Mum was looking after my little sister: DS has no CIO, no little sister. I let DS help with the shopping, something Mum was always a bit too precious about. Same as housework.

I listen to DS. I spend time with him. Those two things I did feel were lacking. Oh yes, and DS gets explainations that do not begin and end with the word "because" and I will never tell him to do as I say, not as I do. He als0 has a piano in the house... something I longed for as a child! That and boy toys were the only physical things I wanted as a child. I also allow him to pick things, such as what is for dinner once a week, that were "adult" decisions and I didn't have a say in. I am also consistant. DS knows that what I say now, I will say in five years time. I won't tell him stories of him being "cute" years ago then tell him off for doing the same two minutes later! I also realise that "answering back" isn't rude: it's an attempt to define boundaries, get consistant answers and understand the world. I remember my frustration at rules changing every two minutes and being told off and clouted because I wanted things defined! Yes, it's frustrating. But it's called LEARNING and is important. (Having said that, if DS is very awake and DH is away we will have an exciting "film night" and dance around the sitting room every once in a while for my sanity, but the odd special treat doesn't mean the regular rules aren't there, just that you learn when to bend them!)

[Mum2SweetCs]

Another thing is grandparents.

We grew up not knowing our grandparents because they died during the war. I remember when my classmates have show and tell and they said they visited their nan/pop, I was so envious.

When my friends were angry at their grandparents, i use to always think "at least you have them"

DD spends alot of time with my parents and we try to go visit DH's parents in Melbourne as often as we can.

She's very lucky to have them and a part of me feels resolved seeing how much DD adores her grandparents and knowing she has experienced having them

[Glamourcide]

Am busy making dinner right now, am just subbing as I want to come back later and read this thread properly... the whole 'giving kids what I missed out on as a kid' is driving me NUTS atm as DH grew up 'dirt poor' and spoils the girls rotten... not always a positive thing in my book, especially leading up to DD1's birthday next week :/ BBL!

[AnyDream]

Ah yes... with regarding clothing: my mother never let us have any say in what my sister and i wore. She sewed most things herself. All i ever wanted as a child was a plain pair of denim jeans but mum never listened... i had to wear her dresses and skirts (all of which would have looked very cute to me with my adult perspective but at the time i wanted to just fit in with the other kids!). So i have also probably spent too much $ making sure my kids always have something to wear that THEY want to wear.

Yep I totally relate to this, except in my case my mother didn't even sew (my Nanna did what she could up until we moved interstate) so I actually spent a large portion of my childhood with a scandalous lack of even the most basic clothing...so I've probably overcompensated in terms of clothing quantity - even if my DD is oblivious and repeatedly wears the same 2 things over and over and over again .

Other big thing my mother repeatedly failed to provide was *any* kind of quality time...us kids were expected to entertain ourselves with virtually no resources - so big on my priority is organising family activities, whether it's games nights, outings to parks & events etc on the weekend, or just hanging out together - ok so it's not all the time but certainly pretty regularly.

[briggsy's girl]

i don't know that it's STUFF that we are trying to give DD as much as, has already been mentioned, a different relationship. she is involved (already) in most stuff we do. we co sleep for part of the night (with her cot in our room the rest of the night) - she is brought into our bed if she is upset, she gets snuggles in bed in the morning. but this isnt' JUST for DD - when my bro's kids stay over, they are allowed to come and climb in bed with us if they want as well - no idea what their parents do, but that's something we do. i never felt welcome in my parents room, and even if i had nightmares, i would hate telling mum and dad - i wouldn't get into bed with them because it just wasn't comforting, it was an inconvenience for them.

She is encouraged to join in when we're doing chores - yes, it sounds silly, but we weren't encouraged to join in - we were sent away UNLESS it was our own chore (dishes or vaccing) - when it was something we might be interested in but we might get in the way, we were sent away. i have absolutely HATED the last couple of weeks when we've had to send DD to granma's house so we could get the house organised for sale. it's just not something we can have her around for

we say i love you all the time. i don't remember my mum saying it to me until i was in my late teens - and then it felt tense. she is better now, but she still doesn't use the words, just the "well, you should KNOW i love you, i shouldn't have to tell you". hmmmm

we didn't have a lot of money growing up, and given recent developments, we probably won't have much for DD being raised. we won't go into debt to give her everything she wants - we will just do what we can to support her with the money we can spare at the time. i think it's more important for us, as a family unit, to be close and do family things (even if they're cheap and simple) than to cater to every whim.

having said that, i can't remember ever going to the zoo with my family (obviously i did as we have photos! lol) or doing anything like that, so i'm planning on doing those sorts of day trips with her when we can. i think the "adventure" of a train ride and trip to the zoo every now and then will be good for her. and i (personally) believe sometimes, even when money isn't fantastic, getting away from the stresses of home life is a great idea - hopefully when she is a little older we'll get Friends of the Zoo membership so that we can just jump on the train and make the trip to get away from things

[Indadhanu]

We're trying to give Jazz what I felt I didn't have... a household where she is respected and treated with dignity. A household free from violence, free from parents who call each other every name under the sun. We want to give her the knowledge that love is pure and true, and the person you love and spend your life with and raise a family with is someone you should hold in the highest light.
Memories of my parents are of them yelling, screaming, calling each other lazy and lots of words that would be beeped out. My dad threatened to leave every other week. They hit each other. I was always scared and dreaded my dad waking up each morning because sure enough he'd have something to yell or scream or carry on about.

We also hug and say I love you not just to her but to each other. Affection was always embarrasing to me until recently because of the way I was brought up, my parents never even said I loved you and were too embarrassed maybe to say it in front of us. They still do. I find it sad really...

[~Hestia~]

I'm looking forward to giving my DS a childhood free from anger & fear.
My dad died when I was very young & my mum took it badly. We never had any money, I used to hide the bills under the bed so she wouldn't get upset. We were left alone alot. I was a very nervous child, I was always worried about mum. DS is going to be allowed to be a kid!

Then there are the material things - we never went away anywhere or did anything. I was never allowed to take any classes or have new clothes. DS will not be spoiled but I look forward to being able to treat him.

[BrightSparkles]

Our girls will grow up having 2 parents who love and respect them. Dh's parents seperated when he was 2 (he has since never seen his dad) and mine when i was 4 (my dad is an abusive alcoholic whom I have no contact with and haven't since I was 15/16). We plan not not doing that and breaking that cycle of breakdown.
I'm always trying to arrange family thigns - game nights et so the girls will grow up with memories of family events. We always tell the girls we love them several times a day, we always have bedtime stories, cuddles in bed during the night or when its cold, sneak in before we go to bed and give them kisses and whisper goodnight. These are all things I wished I had.

[*Beema*]

Endless hugs, cuddles and kisses.... my family is not a kiss/hug family... and it makes me feel sad.... DH's is and it is something that I really struggled with for a long time, and I still do
We knew we were loved but there wasn't that physical connection, and I want DD to have that more than anything, we ensure that every night she is hugged and kissed, eskimos and butterflies and every morning lovely warm cuddles and kisses, and lots of hugs, cuddles and kisses when ever she wants them.

There are many other thigns but will have to come back and write them later as I need to go to bed

[kirsty_lee]

Ok, got a few minutes to post. Been actually thinking about this thread all night and I think you've done a really good job of making us 'think' bath ya' know?

So for me, it's not about material things kwim. My parents "bought me off" with material things as a way to not have to give anything emotionally of themselves. The rule in our household was always 'children should be seen and not heard' and if there was a party you were at and you weren't happily playing with the 5/6 year olds (even when you were like 11/12) god help you and try save you from the embarassing lecture you would recieve in front of everyone *shudder*. I never went without material wise, my parents quite often throw in my face that I was lucky cause i had a television in my room at the age of 2 My parents were great when you were a baby, but come a certain age you were just another annoyance, which they made very clear. I mean, don't get me wrong Ava never goes without she has toys and stuff, but luckily for me she loves to read and learn stuff so I can much better see $$ going towards a book or a puzzle etc, rather than a barbie.

So for me, I guess the one thing that I want to make sure Ava has is a house filled with lots of love where she's not accompaning her mother to pubs or putting up with verbal or emotional or physical abuse. A household where her opinions are just as valuable as the next persons and where she is respected. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand why parents spoil (for lack of a better word) their children with toys etc that they never had as a kid. I think it's magic watching a child play with new toys etc Or even sending their children to the best school around even if it means not being able to do things like go on holidays or buy nice things etc. Cause I mean, at the end of the day our children are our number one priorities and we want the absolute best for them. I always promise myself that Ava will have a much better life than what I had and her children will have an even better life than she had, just to break that cycle ya' know. One of my main fears though is not living vicariously through my children though and I am sure most people, especially ones from abusive homes, strive to not do that ya' know. Of course I don't want her to miss out on opportunities that I as a child missed out on, but I worry that I will struggle to find that balance ya' know? like, i worry about crossing the line into 'forcing' them to do things they don't want to do just because i never got to do it no matter whether it makes them happy or not kwim? Cause we as parents 'know best'.... hmm just thinking out loud now i think LOL ... again... great thread, and I have loved seeing the replies..

[Just Me]

Mine is much like Leasha's (sounds like we could have grown up in the same house) - we are trying to raise our kids where they are free to voice an opinion different to our own and no-one is going to get angry or fly into a rage. We are trying to be gentle parents - free from smacking, yelling and insults as a way of control. Actually we are trying to give up the whole concept of 'control' in parenting since I believe that the only person you can truly control is yourself ... my parents were huge control freaks. We are giving them a home where it belongs to them as much as to us - it is not DH and mine and everybody has to do what we say - it is our family home.

I read earlier this year in a parenting book something very interesting -

Sometimes we're so concerned about giving our children what we never had growing up, we neglect to give them what we did have growing up.

James Dobson.

I thought that was interesting food for thought - we sometimes strive so hard to be different to our parents we do forget about all the great things that they did for us. It certainly made me reflect a bit on my parenting and I shared it with my Mum. I think she feels like I reject her parenting outright (which I probably do to an extent) but it gave me a chance to talk and think about all the great things that happened to me growing up that I want to share with my kids.

[Beautiful Disaster]

i dont know but with my mum beng a single mum and working full time we couldnt do things like sport and dancing until we were much older so i do want to try and get them into something that they like but other than that i think they way i was brought up except with the only one parent thing was good and i'd like to try and do the same for my kids it was very balanced and we werent spoiled with toys etc i dont feel like i missed out on anything as such

Im exactly the same. I didnt get the opportunity to do all those outside school things. DP is one of 5 and he was the same. We are hoping to be able to give our little one whatever they want to do and not hold them back. I always wished that I could have had those things but oh well. I dont even remember going on holidays or outings so that makes me a little sad. I didnt go on my first real holiday till DP and I went to Airlie Beach last June. We are going to make it an annual thing now.

I also never got the affection and I Love You's. I was lucky that my nan was the one looking after me and I am still to this day the closest with her of all 7 grandkids. LOL i get special treatment they dont lol

[MrsFabuloso]

There are several things I would like to teach and give my children which I felt I missed out on.

I'm another who grew up with alot of material things. I think for my parents that was important to give us as they grew up without alot of 'stuff'. I got given alot of big gifts at christmas and birthdays in particular. I think being given lots of stuff when I was little, now makes me a bit a material person though. I never had to 'work' for the things I wanted I didn't save my money, or even get pocket money for chores (I didn't have set chores) for that matter, I was just given what I wanted it has also made me a bit selfish. Now I find it difficult to wait for things, to save or have a vision of what I want before I get it, I just want it now!!

I don't want that for my children. Of course I want them to have things they want, and they are given generous gifts and things, but I am also trying to teach them that they need to wait for things sometimes, they don't just 'get' because they 'want'. I'm starting to try to teach my DD that if she does something like tidy some of her toys, I will give her 10 or 20 cents and she puts it into her money box. I encourage her to think of what she would like to buy with it, small things, and we get it when we go out. We count her money and I'm trying to teach her the value of it. She has a little understanding of it all, and DS is usually with us when we do it all too. I will start with him soon! She has so far brought a ride on a little merry go round at the shops, and very generously, she chose the one her brother could go on with her too. We have put her birthday money into the bank to try to teach her to save it too. She has also given me 70cents when I didn't have the change to make up the exact money and didn't want to break a $50 note for a $4 purchase, lol! I quietly put a dollar back later, but I want her to be generous with her money too.

I want to give them really nice holidays. While we had short holidays to our caravan regularly, and I did love it, I also want to go overseas with my children when they get a bit bigger. As well as show them the rest of Australia too. It was lovely having a place to go to on weekends, but we never went on big family holidays, all together. It was often just mum and I. Sometimes dad would come, but my brothers never came (they are 9 and 10 yrs older than me) I don't have memories of doing much with my brothers. Which is part of the reason I wanted my own children close together, to try to help them have a close relationship with each other. In hindsight, I think the reason it was just mum and I was because my parents marriage was failing, for many years it just wasn't a good relationship, so dad and mum did separate things. Which is another thing I want to give my children, a good role model of what a loving marriage is. While I was regularly told and show physicall I was loved by my parents, they weren't terribly loving with each other. In fact there was alot of emotional abuse within their relationship.

I want to give my kids my time too. I was given all of my mums attention when I was little until I was about 5ish, then she started working and never stopped. She rarely came to my school things like athletic carnivals or school excursions. Though my brothers often say they remember mum being there for them. Doing canteen duty and always coming to their carnivals and stuff. They also did athletics and soccer as extra curricular things which her and dad took thm to. I didn't do anything at all, until I was baout 13 when I chose myself and started swimming with a girlfriend. But mum rarely took me or hardly ever came to swim meets. When she wanted to go to the caravan, we went there instead of doing my swimming things. My girlfriends mum usually took me or I walked there on my own from school. I ended up quitting because I hated depending on my firends mum and letting my team down. I hated her for it and still hold resentment towards mum for that. I never felt prioritised at all and still don't. My kids will get my time, and they are one of the most important thing to me no matter what.

[MummaSue]

My mum never let us display negative emotions EVER. If we were angry, we were made to feel bad about that, like it wasn't allowed - we were being bad or naughty. Like her love was conditional if we only displayed positive emotion. I now have a totally inappropriate response to anger, I cry like a baby when in confrontational situations - which at work is totally inappropriate.
Anyway, I'll be nurturing ALL of the emotions of my little girl. We'll talk about ALL of what she is feeling as opposed to just the good stuff.
I'm keeping up the co-sleeping as long as she wants to - much to the disgust of my mother.

I won't play mind games with her, if there is something on my mind, I'll talk to her about it. And by doing that, hope that she does the same.

Anything she wants to do creatively will be nurtured - my husband is very arty and musical and he is hoping that she will be the same but we certainly will not be forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do.

And yeah, we are going to try for the best education possible.

What a fabulous thread!!!
Sue xx

[Jaycee]

Luckily for me, it's not about giving DS the things I missed out on, it's about giving DS the same kind of childhood I had, as I really did have a fantastic childhood and don't feel I missed out on anything material, or emotional.

My fondest memories are of annual holidays, trips into the city with my mum, sitting on my dad's lap watching the footy together, both mum and dad supporting me through my ten pin bowling days, with mum and dad's support both emotionally and financially (bowling is a very expensive sport!) I made it to the state team even. I even crept into mum and dad's bed every night until I was 7, they didn't mind at all

It makes me sad that there's so many of you that didn't have the childhood you should of had

[kirsty_lee]

It makes me sad that there's so many of you that didn't have the childhood you should of had

Jaycee I can't speak for every one who has had an unpleasent childhood, but I know for me personally I spent alot of time when I was younger 'hating' my life, wondering what I had done so wrong to deserve the things that had happend to me etc and it wasn't until I took a really good look at myself in the mirror and decided to stop being a victim that my perspective changed. Sure it wasn't pleasant, and I still get sad about alot of it. But I can't regret the things that happend cause they made me the person I am today kwim? They taught me alot of valuable lessons which I will be able to pass onto my children. It makes me very happy to see someone such as yourself talk about your family life, it sounds lovely. xx

[MummaSue]

Totally agree Kirsty-Lee - I have learned so much about myself since having my little one. It doesn't make me sad that things were the way they were, I am grateful to have more insight into myself.

Sue x