How much of yourself do you give up for your kids? As in, how much of the the stuff you do for them is stuff you don't particularly like? For example, DS1 (5 1/2 yrs) has recently just really gotten into pokemon cards. I hate them, with a passion. I have no idea how to play the game and no idea what the rules are. I have tried to get it, but honestly, just don't like it, so it's not computing in my brain. He just asked me to play with him. I said no, not today. I explained I had mummy things I need to do- washing, vacc'ing, dishes, cooking...blah blah. So he is having a sooky tantrum. Crying and mumbling about never getting what he wants...
I also hate playing barbies with my DD. I never played when I was a kid, I have always had an aversion to those kinds of dolls. I have to force it if I play with her, and she complains I'm not doing it right. So I often say no. I only say yes when I feel like I've said no too much. She will often say 'you never play with me!'. And when it's barbies she wants to play all the time, then I often don't want to play with her. I will do mostly anything else with them- drawing, building, trains, soccer, sand pit, catch, hide and seek, craft, 'mums and dads', 'teachers'...
But when is it too much to say no. If I had a choice, I would never see a pokemon card or barbie again. Should I be saying yes more often? I hate playing these games, why should I do it when I don't like to, I do other things with them. I will find almost anything else to do when I don't want to play these games(dishes, folding, cleaning toilets!)! Would it be totally mean if I told them I don't want to play with another barbie or pokemon card again, and not to ask me to play, but I will do something else with them? I know it's what interests them, but sometimes I feel like all I do is compromise myself for them, their wants and needs, and now for their interests too?
I work and study so my time with the kids is limited. I do try and follow their lead as much as possible. Luckily for me mine are little and if we do something like gym (for me, but they love the creche) then swim and chips for lunch Then I find that they are happy to relax and watch TV while I do my jobs. Then we do colouring or craft after that.
I am a SAHM, so maybe that makes the difference, because they will ask me all day to play with them, and easily forget what I have sat down to do with them, but remember whenever I say no. I make an effort to sit with them every day at least once, individually and play or at least chat with them. Time which is focused on that child only, not doing home work, or dealing with other people or cooking or cleaning at the same time. I really don't think they're deprived of my time! They just want me with them ALL the time!
I think its reasonable for them to learn that the are certain activities you enjoy and some you don't. You can tell them that barbies and Pokemon are games they can play alone or with each other as "mummy doesn't enjoy those games" but other games you will participate - you may also consider setting aside a particular time of the day to play with them - after lunch or brekky or something - it doesn't mean you won't play with them other times, but they can know that at 10oclock you will play for 1/2 an hour each day. Might help them feel a bit more connected to playtime with mum and you don't have to agree at other times cause they know they will have THEIR time eventually. Kids need to learn to entertain themselves, and you don't do them any favours by being their constant playmate.
Thanks myturn. I think the set timing is probably a great idea, then they will know that I definitely spent time with them, lol. My older two are at school now, so some days' it's tough to get in proper one on one time with them, but most days we do.
I just feel like it seems that they feel so ripped off, like they never get what they want, when in my reality, all I feel like I am doing is giving to them.They do entertain themselves sometimes, though mostly play with each other, or other wise they're nagging me for sometime, be that food, or my time and attention. After these recent school holidays, I think I just feel like all they did/do is whine about being bored and or hungry!
Think about how much time you actually spent 'playing' with your own parents... Maybe you are lucky and had a lot, but I think most of our generation of parents didn't feel the pressure to be their child's constant playmate like we do now. (I'm not saying we 'should' be like out parents - but we can take a leaf out of their book) kids demand attention doesn't mean they should always have it. In fact I personally think it's dangerous for them to have too much, cause they never learn frustration tolerance nor the ability to manage their own time and full it with things they enjoy. I don't think attention equates with love or attachment or anything else. Like everything it's about teaching kids balance - learning when it's appropriate to seek attention and entertainment from caregivers as well as knowing when to enjoy the alone time or seek the attention elsewhere.
I'm quite sure you are doing an awesome job, they will always demand more. So decide what you feel is appropriate and try and stick to it.
Maybe even making Saturday night or afternoon "games night" or something and playing board games etc with them. They don't have to have 1:1 time for it to be quality. As long as you are engaged and actively interested in the activity you do with them - that is much better than just playing with the thing they want you to and barely enjoying it. Let's be honest here - kids play is boring.... I think it is anyway.... and there's nothing anywhere that says being a good parent means playing with kids in a kids way. In fact you will be better just watching and talking with them about what they are doing - rather than actually playing, cause as you said earlier.... You'll always get the play "wrong". Lol.
I treat it like any relationship that I want to succeed: sometimes I do things that I don't enjoy, without an expectation of tit-for-tat, because I love them.
My DH loves sports. Really loves them. Some seasons, he will play, coach AND umpire soccer, and he'll still hang around before to make sure all the lines are properly chalked (he'll do it again if they're not) and then he'll stay for the matches afterwards to make sure there's enough lineskeepers, umpires, etc. And then he watches it at home ... I don't like watching sport. I genuinely don't see the point AT ALL.
But I love him, so I'll go watch him play sometimes, I'll listen to him talk about it a bit, I don't complain when he wants to dress the boys in their team's colours, I'll let him explain to me (again) the rules of cricket, I facilitate him getting a "proper" round of golf in periodically, I understand that he will be setting alarms for weird and wonderful times to see races and matches and I have zero expectation of watching any of my shows during the Olympics (though I do tape them all and binge watch them later, and he says not a word about that!)
This is because I love him, and I see it as being part of who he is.
He knows I don't like them, he doesn't expect me to participate, he doesn't ask me often to come and watch his matches - but he does know that he has a high enough place in my heart that if there's something special, he can ask, and I will probably say yes - because I want to do it as an act of love, not because I have to, or because I have suddenly felt an intense need to watch the All Blacks smash the Partially Greys.
This goes for friends too - my friend who has a deep love of model trains (seriously - I'm not making that up) or the one who talks about NOTHING except for her dog, or the one ... you get the picture.
I love them. And to them, I'm probably the one who always wants to go dancing, or the one who erroneously thinks her stories about court cases are SO INTERESTING while they're dying inside, etc.
Now, my kids like some things I don't like - and they don't yet have the self awareness or the empathy or the whatever it is, to realise that I am my own human being with my own likes and dislikes and millions of thoughts, and while I can think things through, and filter my comments and conduct - they're learning all that.
So when my boys want to play doggies (which I really don't like) I don't want them doing it, and I really don't want to join in. So sometimes I don't, I just let them go along with it, and I remind myself that they'll grow out of it - sometimes I'll join in and remind myself that they'll grow out of it and my knees will soon stop hurting, and other times, I tell them "I don't really want to play that - but I do want to play with you. Do you want to build a snowman [or whatever]" and that gives them the choice.
But I make sure it's not, "I am not going to play doggies, I don't like that. I am happy to play penguins - so if you want to play with me, you can come and play penguins together." because I really, really don't want them to get the impression that if they want to spend time with me, they have to do what I like.
So I try to balance it.
They are too young to practice the give-take that happens in healthy friendships, marriages, etc - so I guess I try to manage that for them - and at this stage, it's obviously weighted pretty heavily in their favour.
I give opportunities for them to consider others' feelings (each other, and mine, etc) but I'm not expecting them to have the maturity of a 12 year old when they're 2 or 3 ... there's time for that!
Exactly. Whist I don't want to be like my mum (I don't have any memories of her playing with me at all). I am not their play mate, to demand I play with them all day. I have been thinking of adding games night, now the bigger kids can read, and are probably big enough to play something like kids scrabble or monopoly. I never had that when I was little, so I would like to make a little tradition of it for the kids. We have movie night on a Saturday night (with popcorn, cookies or cake and doonas and pillows all piled high to snuggle together on) , so maybe Fridays could be games.
But I think what ever a parent does, there is always something you stuff up (according to your kids!)
And please, don't apologise, I think this is great advice!
I don't play children's games with my kids. If they want to play those kinds of games they can play with each other or by themselves. I am a parent, not a friend, that isn't my role.
We do have fun together though, but it's fun doing things we ALL enjoy. We play Carcasonne, snakes and ladders, Wii games, hockey, etc. Not all the time, but enough that everyone can get involved and enjoy it. Kids need to learn that people have different interests and they cannot expect everyone to be interested in what they are, that it is ok for people to like and dislike different things. It forces kids to learn to negotiate and compromise and come up with alternatives that everyone is happy to go along with.
Certainly, if they throw a tantrum about something, that is the quickest way in this house to ensure that whatever it is they want, doesn't happen.
I can't really add to what my turn has said. Brilliant posts! I'll give examples though.
I don't like Minecraft and I don't like playing dolls. I played some games with them. But I try and find things to do with them that we both love. I know for me I wouldn't want DH to fake interest in something I love. Just as I wouldn't force him to come along to a craft night. He wouldn't expect me to play Borderlands. But he loves to cook with me. And I will happily do plenty of geek things with him. My point is find an alternative that you love. If you did NOTHING with your kids I'd be a little worried. But things change with different stages too. When DD was little the only way I could play barbies was to make them do silly things. She thought it was hilarious. Wasn't the way she played with her friends but she still enjoyed it. Now we do lots together. And DS and DH didn't play much when he was little. But now they spend lots of time together.
Try not to worry. And don't compare yourself to others. Being heard, loved and respected is most important IMO. And when I look at my kids I am certain that is true.
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How much of yourself do you give up?
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