I feel like i'm failing

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I thought i had better come in and lay it straight. No i didn't like two posts that were made after my last post. I found them to be quite offensive and just so out of left field, obviously i am not the only one who thought so.

I'm not going to go into any detail, i won't explain myself as i feel nothing i can say will help any. I posted yesterday quite upset needing some support, reassurance, even just for someone to listen to me.

Now i really do know that i will always get different treatment from a lot of you because you have obviously made your opinions of me, but know that its unfair, its hurtful and whatever it is you think it doesn't make me any less of a human being with feelings. I may annoy, irritate and frustrate you at times but i'm still a person behind the username *LittleMissSummer*.

Hun i know sometimes things can seem harsh but when we take a step back and look sometimes those harsh words are the ones we needed to hear.
I don't think anyone here has said they posted in a particular way because of how they feel about you, in fact quite the opposite - Misty has suggested people have posted that way - those people making the statements your not fond of have said they would post it no matter who it was.

The thing i love about BB is there is a massive variance of people, HOW we parent, WHY we parent a different way and sometimes it's the cold hard facts that make us realise... jesus maybe it's not my baby, maybe it's not my hormones.. maybe just maybe it's a normal part of being a parent and i need to harden up. (not saying that is what needs to happen)
Other times it's an outside perspective you don't agree with but you think, maybe i just need to try something different.

Your right, you DON'T need to justify yourself to people but please don't allow 1 comment to make you doubt WHY people post - honestly if i have an issue with a person i am less likely to post replies because A either they don't really listen anyway or it's not worth my time and getting frustrated... IF i have something to contribute i think can help or i think might snap them out of a certain situation then YES i would post it.
But i would reply the same whether it be my gorgeous friend BG or someone i've never met nor particularly paid attention to.

You asked for advice, some people just have different ways of giving it and i agree with quite a few points.
Sit back, read everything and write down a few ideas (even the ones you don't like) and try a few.

Deep breaths, a cup of tea and a cuddle with DD...

[Gigi]

When you are tired and rundown, feeling like "it's overwhelming me" (know that one well), it's SO hard to think straight, let alone think of solutions. Stuff you would think of in a second, if you weren't feeling so tired at the time. You know how it's always easier to brainstorm solutions, for other people, compared to helping yourself? DOn't be hard on yourself, you're in the middle of it and prolly exhausted.

pick the things that are annoying you the most
e.g the laundry powder
e.g the toilet rolls
(they;re two examples i remember you mentioning)

try thinking about it from these two angles -
how to limit the damage she can possibly do
how to limit the access she can have to these things

what she can't access, she can't access

if you're renting, this will be partly determined, by what is in your place

i had tall laundry cupboard, so put powder, and anything else poisonous, up on high shelf of cupboard, put babylock on that door. Plus kept the laundry door shut. (baby gate kept her out).

If you don't have a tall cupboard, what about top of the fridge? That is usually a high place.


WIth the loo rolls, is it the spares she gets into, or the loo roll in the loo for use?
Not much you can do about the one out for use, but could the spares be kept up high, inside a cupboard with a baby lock on it?

i bought a fabric thingn you hook over back of a door, up reasonably high, that you put spare loo rolls in, so that's what i use where i am now (with not one laundry or bathroom cupboard).

i used four baby gates too, to effectively "corral" bilby into the areas, so i had SOME rooms where i didn't have to make them so babyproof - it took heaps of stress off me to do that, even though i baulked at the price of four baby gates at the time. (a baby first aid course drummed into me, how babygates can save lives, esp for bathroom and kitchen, where most household accidents occur, so that's why i got them).

good luck

pick your battles
see if just positioning and $5 babylocks for cupboards, might just stop some of these behaviours.

no doubt she'll find something ELSE that's wildly exciting for her!

does she like playing with a bag of pegs? or putting magnets on the fridge? bilby used to love sorting small bits of fabric (like boosters, prefolds, facewashers etc). making endless piles. i never understood it, but she loved it. best thing was they were quiet activities and made no mess (for me to clean up ha ha).

i'm glad she hasn't clogged up the loo so bad you need the plumber.

[fionas]

LMS - firstly, hugs darl. I do think you cop it unnecessarily sometimes.

Firstly, there's a WORLD of difference between different two-year-olds and it's really horses for courses. I won't repeat what the others have said about moving things out of her reach, child gates etc. etc.

Just some examples. My DD1 sounds similar to your DD. Very high energy. I was housebound (couldn't walk very far, needed a wheelchair to go out, didn't drive) when I was pregnant with DD2 and DD1 was 2.5. Complete nightmare. She's a kid that needs to work off physical energy and needs one-on-one social interaction pretty much ALL day. No matter what 'activity' I tried to set her up with - play dough, painting, crayoning, sticking, etc. etc., she would last less than five minutes. And I do mean literally less than five minutes. I resorted to the TV more than I would care to admit.

DD2 on the other hand has always been great at playing on her own. She's not yet two but she will happily play on her own (or with DD2) for half an hour sometimes. She doesn't really get into much trouble and pretty much does whatever she's asked. Expert at tidying up. DD1 would have just seen it as a game and flung things around.

So given that you seem to have a child more like my DD1, I think you've got to wear her out and get out of the house too. Things like story time were hopeless with DD1, she'd just run around the library. So things like kinder gym, swimming or an indoor playground etc. etc. are better. I know money is tight but getting out of the house is so worth spending the money. Also, d'you have a toy library near you? If you can occupy her with new toys, she's less likely to go searching around the house for 'fun'.

Good luck darl. This age really is the hardest. They get into so much trouble and they have no impulse control. One day, like my DD1, I bet she turns into a very responsible older sister.

[BrightSparkles]

I thought i had better come in and lay it straight. No i didn't like two posts that were made after my last post. I found them to be quite offensive and just so out of left field, obviously i am not the only one who thought so.

I'm not going to go into any detail, i won't explain myself as i feel nothing i can say will help any. I posted yesterday quite upset needing some support, reassurance, even just for someone to listen to me.

Now i really do know that i will always get different treatment from a lot of you because you have obviously made your opinions of me, but know that its unfair, its hurtful and whatever it is you think it doesn't make me any less of a human being with feelings. I may annoy, irritate and frustrate you at times but i'm still a person behind the username *LittleMissSummer*.

I posted what I have because I think it's something that you needed to hear. Not because I don't like you or do like you thats irrevelent. TBH i've never met you IRL and only know you as LMS and as LMS I see post after post with the same themes and time after time people saying the same thing. Whether it was you or anyone else I would have said the same thing.
TBH I don't really care if you like what I said or not. You wanted suggestions and thats what I did. I don't feel there is any point in dancing around the situation, who is that going to help? At the end of the day, it's your choice. You need to be the one to decide what type of life you want to live - a happy one with some stress or one that is full of stress and tears.
If you just wanted to vent, maybe you should have posted this in a boo hoo thread instead of a parenting one where people are likely to give you suggestions. JMHO though....

And no, you don't need to justify yourself. However, you do need to take some responsability as a parent of 1 soon to be 2 children. Theres a saying that I have heard oh so many times "if nothing changes nothing changes". You can apply it in so many situations.

I get that parenting is hard, hell I have had my fair share of days where all I do is cry because i'm so stressed and completely over it. In fact as I type this I'm on my 4th day off work with shingles on my face that are sore, exhausted and my body aches, my kids are at home and are loud, noisy and making a mess. But at the end of the day, it's my decision how i parent them. People will give thier opinions and advice and I take what I want from it and leave what I don't. But I also know that sometime I do just need someone to tell me how it is.

I'm not going to come back in here as I feel that maybe your not ready to take any of the advice i have suggested and clearly you feel uncomfrtable with it. I think sometimes everyone get offended at things said to us and it's not until later that we think back and go, yeah, you know what, they weren't trying to be offensive, just trying to help. And i think thats what many people in here are trying to

[Heaven]

LMS maybe next time just post in the boo hoo section with the title {VENT} if you only want one type of reply?

I can see that people were only trying to help even if it doesn't feel like it to you. To be clear about what you want next time maybe it's best to post there and you won't be offended??

Or if you're happy to hear all points of view post anywhere you like. But you can't really post on a public forum and then get offended when people give advice you don't want to hear I don't think?

You also don't have to take the advice. You know yourself better than anyone and if it doesn't apply then no reason to get upset about it.

I hope you've got something valuable out of this thread anyway because it didn't sound from your first post that things were going that well.

[Gigi]

i feel like i'm failing all the time. So when i see posts with the word "failing" in them, like this one, i relate. You're not alone LMS. Parenting is very challenging. I hope you don't think you're the only one "failing", cos truely, you're not alone. i hope you find comfort in that, that's what i see this forum is for, realising that the things we struggle with, are things that MANY people struggle with. ANd somehow, when you realise, you're not alone, that can help. In some bizarre cyberspace kind of way. Cos IRL, i go to the supermarket/school run, and see some mum dressed up all glam, with her 7 month old designer baby, and i feel mega inadequate.

i just re-read your initial post again, and had another thought, about the time out thing. In my state, the child youth health nurses protocol about "time out" is that it is most useful, AFTER a child has turned four, because it is then, that a child developmentally, can understand what TIME OUT means. I know Time Out is popular on shows like Super Nanny, although i can't remember if she advises it for kids under two or not. Just a thought. You sounded stressed out, that your DD fell asleep in Time Out. She might just be a bit young for TO to work, just yet.

I hope my comments have not upset you, i would feel horrible if they had. I put what i put, cos you sounded like you needed some ideas. And that's all they are, just ideas. Stuff for you to read (when you feel up to that), try out things that interest you, disregard what doesn't suit. Heaps of people on this site have given me ideas when i'm all spent, so if i can think of anything to help other people who post for help, i give it my best shot.

when i'm down, i can take things very much to heart - read the same thing again when i'm feeling stronger, and take the same words, in a different way.

I cannot imagine what it is like, to be in your shoes (heavily preg. and simulataneously caring for an active toddler), but my heart does go out to you, and i wish you all the best LMS. My memory is so bad, i can't really remember your posts from the last few years (well the specifics), due to my past medical history. Each time you post, i just go on, what you have posted about exactly then.

[~Raven~]

My reply has nothing to do with who you are. I would have replied to any one on the forum in the same manner that posted about her child getting into something repeatedly as I know I have done in the past.

[LimeSlice]

I think Gigi has a good point about time outs - they are really REALLY ineffective at the age your DD is.
They just don't have the capacity to understand the whole concept.

I really recommend getting your hands on a book called Positive Discipline: The First Three Years, by Dr Jane Nelson. If you can't, PM me and you can borrow my copy.

I think part of the reason you are struggling is that you are trying to push the proverbial uphill and expecting much more than she is capable of presently. If you readjust your expectations and find some new tools that match and support your NEW expectations, I think you will both be a lot happier and more successful. That is not to say of course that there won;t be days you want to lock yourself in the bedroom or scream the house down with frustration, but it will give you some age and stage appropriate tools and techniques to use to combat and support behaviours and also to help you overcome your frustrations about where she is or isn't at yet with her reasoning.

Parenting is HARD. It is hard because it will challenge you in every expectation you had, every preconceived notion...You will need - NEED - to let go of all those ideas you have about what you think kids should be, how you think they should behave, because until you are in it, you have noooo idea. And THAT is when you need to ask for help - which you have done - and you need to seek some alternatives, because what you are doing now, it ain't working. So welcome to the human race J, you are totally normal and so is your DD.

[Lisa]

LMS - my dd2 sounds so much like your dd. DD2 was crazy throughout my pregnancy with DD3. In the end it came down to me. I needed to be more organised. I needed to spend more 1 on 1 time with her. Trips to the park are free and do so much for your child. they run, climb, balance, make friends etc etc and best of all, they get worn out! We have gates all around our home and they're there (1) for safety - we have stairs and wide set balustrades - and (2) to keep Queen Chaos out of the areas she is not supposed to be in. If we forget to close off an area, I can guarantee she will be in there doing something destructive when my back is turned. Just a few short hours ago, DS2 went through 2 gates and didn't close them behind himself. I was cooking dinner at the time and DH was changing DD3's nappy. I asked DD1 to find Dd2 and she had got into the bathroom and tipped an 8 pack of dd1's tampons into the toilet. It's frustrating but Dd1 should have put her tampons up higher and DS should have closed the gate. Ultimately, DD2 is just inquisitive and I have been so busy lately that she is obviously plain bored and wants to find fun & interesting things to do. She finds the toilet to be the most interesting thing around! Lol.
Definitely look at getting some gates. When they're actually closed, they are fantastic. We don't close of DD's room though but we're able to have a gate closing off the hallway near the bedrooms from the rest of the house. This has been the best thing. Look at your local buy, sell swap group on FB. They're always on the local groups where I am and are pretty cheap as they're used. Good luck :-)


From my iPhone.

[AndiE]

LMS, I totally get where you are coming from. I too have a very, very active, curious, independent child - DS2. It's felt like from the start of this pg till now, he's pushed me to my limits almost constantly. We have locks on all the cupboards, the fridge and pantry ... and he'll still find something to get into and make a complete and utter mess. Add to that the fact that he has a strong personality and cracks the goo big time when mum or DS1 do something so innocuous as dance when "his" Wiggles DVD is on, and we occasionally have fireworks. I can only put up with the combination of undesireable behaviour, whingeing and whining for so long before my blood pressure starts to rise And believe it or not, pre-kids I had the patience and tolerance of a saint!

While DS2's behaviour is relatively normal for a 30-month-old, I completely understand that at 33 weeks pregnant it's harder to deal with. We're less agile, we're often uncomfortable, we're often a bit more fragile ... so it makes sense that we react more strongly than we sometimes intend. Hell yes, I think I can be mean at times too - and I DO blame it partly on being pregnant and hormonal. I have enough self-introspection to know that while I sometimes feel mean (some days it feels like I'm constantly telling them off and putting one or the other in time out), I also know I'm doing the best I can and that on the whole I'm a damn good mother. And I bet you are too.

Have confidence in yourself, and know that while you might feel like a mean mummy some days ... plenty - PLENTY - of us feel exactly the same at times. Just go through some of the posts in here from mums whose kids are driving them nuts and they feel like all they do is yell and get cranky. Not that it will necessarily help you with your DD, but it might make you feel a bit more "normal", if that makes sense.

Look after yourself hun. And don't be too hard on yourself ... oh, and bring on the next 7 weeks (or less!)

[Arcadia]

I think it is reasonable to be temporarily more cranky and yes, mean, when pg or super tired. But I also think that none of us here would like that to be permanent, especially LMS who is here asking for help.

When my kids are pushing alllllll my buttons at the same time, I try to do two things. Stop everything and just be with them. Play, sing, dance, craft, go to the park etc. And two, adjust my expectations. They are only little still. Even at 3.5 I have to be careful I don't expect too much from dd, especially in regards to emotional maturity.

You and your dd are in a relationship together. You both need to make compromises an understand where the other is coming from. Actions like yelling, smacking, time out create a relationship based on power struggles, fear and domination. They are destructive for both of you.

You need to slow down, find the love and really try and be in touch with where your dd is at right now. It won't last forever, and she's not trying to be naughty. She needs your guidance and assurance.

Good luck. It is hard work, but so rewarding.

[Butterfly Dawn]

find the love, i like that. its easy to forget kids don't think like us, can't think like us. the park is our place to go when we need to break the cycle.

Sent from my Galaxy with the barefoot princess covering me in kisses, so please forgive the mistakes

[HotI]

if anyone asks me for tips on going from 1 to 2, i always recommend baby proofing as much as you can. set up safe spaces where #1 can play while you are looking after #2. Also safe places where you can put #2 that #1 can't get in to.