I think it is largely personality and genetics based. Are you or your husband anxious people or light sleepers? Some need less help than others and less comfort from parents.

Dd is a bit nervy like me and would only feed to sleep until 2 and even now at 3.5 sleeps in my bed next to me. She did sleep in her own bed for a while but used to wake around midnight looking for me (I would lie with her to help her sleep) so we moved her back in with us and we all sleep better for it.

Ds is more laid back but he still prefers to be fed to sleep. He was a much better sleeper as a baby but is now pretty much how dd was at the same age, ie feeds to sleep in my bed and cuddles me most of the night and wakes for one or two decent feeds between midnight and 6am.

Can you unpack some of your expectations about his sleep. Is there any way to resolve these apart from changing his patterns? I always try to change myself rather than the child because I find it easier. That's just me though (and due to the very very strong will of dd).

Sorry I didn't really answer the question...kids on my feet so I will bbl