In-laws - undermining our parenting -wtd?

[SammyRo]

Thanks everyone! Its really a difficult situation and one I suppose Dh and I really need to talk about. I know we're on the same page, as when I told him about the stuff that was annoying me, he agreed. The trouble is, he doesn't think his parents will take anything on board!

FionaW - yep, we got the comments with DD too - but you'd think the proof would be in the pudding that DD is a delightful girl (most of the time!) who has better manners than DH's SIL (they were over for dinner sat night, and I really felt like making a comment about her table manners)

Got to go - my "delightful" child is demanding my attention!

[Rivlas]

Grandparent here

Say something but do it together.
I am glad that our DD & SIL will say something if we have done the wrong thing in regards to how they want their children bought up. We had our turn years ago and it is now their turn. Sure they do things differently and I am sure we did things differently to our parents. Parenting your own children is trial and error, what works for one doesn't always for another, every child is different.
I will sometimes ask why, not to be mean but to understand where they are coming from.
Parenting has changes over the years which is a good thing, we live and we learn.
If he ever raises his voice again say something on the spot. It is not on. The only time we have ever done that to the boys was because they were doing something dangerous and we needed them to stop straight away. Must confess did raise my voice to GS2 last week when he bit me on the thigh but that was a reflex action and all I said was Owww

All the best but say something sooner rather than later. If they cannot abide by your parenting you need to rethink your visits to them and tell them so. It will also make you think twice about leaving her with them.

[FabFiona]

Thanks everyone! Its really a difficult situation and one I suppose Dh and I really need to talk about. I know we're on the same page, as when I told him about the stuff that was annoying me, he agreed. The trouble is, he doesn't think his parents will take anything on board!

I think regardless of whether your DH thinks his parents will take it on board it needs to be said. Therefore it is on the record and if (when) the s*!t hits the fan at least from your perspective it isn't out of the blue.

I'm also not sure I agree with Rivlas that you should do it together. I think that if it was me in that circumstance and I was there, it would get turned onto me as the relative newbie to the family. Also they might think you are forcing your DH to do it if you are there but if he goes on his own then at least you are not part of the equation.. If you know what I mean. Then again, each family is different and you know best what would work for your circumstance.

[Beautitude]

I know how frustrating this situation is. I have the same with my il's. It was a whole lot worse when DS was really little as now if he doesn't want to be held or wants mummy or daddy he will just come get up and come to us rather than us having to wrestle him out of MIL's arms lol. I remember when ds was really little and everyone was playing pass the parcel with him and it was a really hot day, he was upset and mil said he had wind and had him over her lap trying to wind him, i wanted to cry coz i felt like i couldn't even console my son when i knew he didn't have wind and was just hot from the constant holding. In the end i stormed out the house, got the sling, took him off mil and gave him to sil in the sling and told her to walk around with him in the sling and sure enough he settled to sleep. I often felt like this with MIL as i felt i didn't have any rights to my son when she was around as i didn't want to step on any toes. Its silly i know. This time around things are going to be very different and if i want my son i will be taking him off her. DH isn't the kind of guy that will bring anything up with his mum so i just kinda had to live with it. It frustrated me soo much.


I hope you and DH can sort it out quickly.

[~*familyof3*~]

I also think you should both sit down with them.Let them know exactly how you feel. Tell them what you want and what yous expect. I would also let them know that them spending time with their grandchildren is a privelidge not a right and if they choose not to do as you have asked with YOUR children then from now on there will be no visits.

Not only is it stressful for you as parents but its stressful for the children as well as they get one lot of rules for home and another else where,and at this time their lil minds cant cope with that its too much.

Hope yous can get them to see what they are doing.I know when i told my bpoys grandparents to do as i ask with them or no visits they listened very fast and the one that didnt soon did after her first missed visit

As mean as it sounds some times you just gotta put your foot down.

[Janie]

Hun, this might sound harsh, but it doesn't sound at all like you have a good relationship with them. I know what you mean, but your children and your parenting is a huuuuge part of who you are, and if this is what's going on..........well yeah, I don't think it sounds like a healthy relationship. You should never be made to feel that way, that you have to leave your crying baby with someone else. DON'T feel bad, just take him back. I know that's easy for me to say, but it's really what you need to do. YOU are his mama, he needs YOU. Once they see you mean business, then hopefully they'll back off. I totally understand you being upset with your FIL for raising his voice, my dad did the same to my DS1 yesterday - fortunately he lives interstate so I don't have to see him too often! Otherwise I think we'd be having spats over my parenting style, cos it's plain as day that he doesn't agree with it. But you know what? Tough $hit, these are our children, and we will raise them how we see fit. It's nothing to do with anyone else. (Particularly him, as there is no way I will be modeling my parenting on his style ).

[SammyRo]

Thanks everyone for your replies - I've been awol from BB as DH bought me a great book for my birthday

ATM, DH isn't keen to say anything so I'm letting him take the lead, but I've come to the realistation that DS is my baby and I'll take him back if I want to , and if they don't like it then tough! DH will prorably say something if his Dad raises his voice again though as thats not on. My parents have said they will have certain rules for their house, which doesn't worry me, as its mainly things like she can't play with certain stuff (fair enough) but when it comes to things like eating and bedtime etc, we're the parents and they accept how we do things. I can also say to my dad not to do something and he'll listen. You'd think DH's parents would get the idea that we're not comfortable leaving DD with them - they only ever get asked to babysit for short times (ie an hour or 2 at most), whereas my parents have her overnight every now and then when its needed.

Thanks again - I think we're just going to see how we go for now, and hopefully we won't have to rock the boat (my problem is I hate confrontation!)