RANT - when did we start frowning upon SAHM's?

[sushee]

I personally do think it's lucky if anyone has the choice to stay at home and raise their children, even albeit at a sacrifice (because I don't assume it's not a sacrifice). I was a SAHM with DS3 by sacrificing quite a lot as well but when he was two, was forced to return to work. I would have preferred not to return to work until he was older, so to me, anyone who has a choice is lucky. Not 'you-must-live-in-luxury' lucky but 'you-have-a-choice' lucky. And I understand that there's a difference between the two.

[LuluHB]

I agree with sushee 100%. I am a SAHM and yes, we make considerable sacrifices both in terms of money and for a significant period of time my mental health. I have the odd sleepless night about money issues like I'm sure many, many people do and were I to return to my pre-kids career I would be adding a six figure income to our household, which would change things enormously. I think its naive though to consider that I'm not lucky because while its not all champagne and manicures, I have chosen to make those sacrifices so I can be a SAHM, as opposed to the many people who have no choice in the matter at all.

[briggsy's girl]

I personally do think it's lucky if anyone has the choice to stay at home and raise their children, even albeit at a sacrifice (because I don't assume it's not a sacrifice). I was a SAHM with DS3 by sacrificing quite a lot as well but when he was two, was forced to return to work. I would have preferred not to return to work until he was older, so to me, anyone who has a choice is lucky. Not 'you-must-live-in-luxury' lucky but 'you-have-a-choice' lucky. And I understand that there's a difference between the two.

my DH is the SAHP - and I consider our circumstances to be quite lucky. i work, but DH is at home with DD all the time. I am fortunate that i don't earn minimum wage, so we CAN do this. it's frikken tight ALL THE TIME, but we are still lucky in that we don't HAVE to use child care. we have been able to juggle our budget to keep DH at home for now. it's definitely tight - by no means is it a luxurious life at all. but we made that choice and we're living with it. i would LOVE nothing more than to be at home with DD more than I am now. I couldn't be a full time SAHM - I value my job and the long term security it provides too much (which is a consideration a LOT of people have to make!) - but for DH to earn enough to replace my wages for taking a day off, taking into account travel, tax and reduction in FTB, he'd have to work 2-3 days to replace ONE of my days. so we make the choice to live on next to nothing so that all our bills are paid, and all our old debt rolled into one payment and keep DH at home.

we did it damn hard conceiving DD and bringing her into the world, and i find it would be disappointed in anyone that thought i didn't want he just because i went back to work. there is almost always more to the situation than you can see from the outside. I'm sure after going through four years of hell, people that didn't know our situation probably thought i was nuts or uncaring going back to work. i cried leaving my baby at home and having to work - but i had our whole family to think of - and our future. i could have relied on government payments and probably cleared a similar amount with DH on payment as well - but i looked at the long term - it would have been a short term fix that may have actually put us in a worse position long term if i didn't have job security now and into the future kwim?

[MummyNaomi]

One comment does offend me

therefore WE are going to raise this baby

Please don't assume for a moment that parents that utilise childcare aren't raising their own children. I can assure you WE are the ones raising them and having the biggest influence on their lives - the choice of the type of child care has a big impact on this yes, but the values, behaviours and education parents give is by far the biggest influence in the majority of cases.

I can assure you that even though I work part time, my DH and I are solely responsible for raising our children. In our family, my studies provide me with significantly more earning power than my DH, and although me just working 1-2 days would give us the money we need, my job role requires me to work a minimum amount of hours to be able to hit my targets etc, so four days it is, I also need to stay current in my role so taking 5 years off until my son is school age gives me a big disadvantage with my earning capacity later, which compromises our choice of education for our kids - there are many many reasons both parents families work - not just to 'live the high life' because they aren't willing to make sacrifices or have a big house etc, often the decisions made are not just about children in infancy, but how we see our family growing and the needs we want to meet long term as well

Having said that, the comment your co-worker made was offensive, I totally agree that it was out of line, but judge her, not make sweeping generalizations about other parenting ideals/styles. Trust me - most of us are making the very best of our situations and decisions are made with our families best interests at heart

PS SAHM rock, I did when I was one for 12 months, and I will be rocking again from July for another 12 months!

[SunnyRain]

I tend to agree with Fig. Although it's true some sahms (and working mums, too) have really luxurious lives full of riches, cleaners, nannies etc, we personally sacrificed everything. I can't really explain how much, but we went from being happy dinks to seriously struggling on the poverty line, but we made it work, even though we'd never had contact with centrelink before, our names weren't in the system (apparently everyone is, but we weren't). It has been a long, hard slog and we've both battled depression. You might ask why, which is a valid question but it's something we valued too strongly and I don't think I'll regret it on my death bed. Anyway, it sure as hell wasn't luck.

I'm far more jealous of everyone with family around for support, because we have none and on top of everything it has been hard, no one to offer a hand, no one to watch the kids for an hour. I can do without luxuries, but oh god I miss having a moment to myself.

Anyway, sob story over because things have been improving for us and we're really happy now, so now I do feel quite fortunate.

[Shanti]

be proud of your situation and decisions and understand when people are being negative towards you it's usually because they are jealous or less fortunate than you

I am a SAHM because my husband can afford me to stay home. I feel very blessed to be in this position and if others were to judge me I couldn't help not looking at their own situation to find out where there feelings are coming from.

As for unwanted advice when becoming a mum, unfortunately everyone has their opinions on everything! You learn to get a tough skin & pretend you're listening. Take it all in with a grain of salt

[nothing2lose]

You know what? Something just occurred to me... I reckon that sometimes, working outside the home you are making the biggest sacrifice of all.

[Beach Mama]

You know, I am fortunate to live in a country where I have a choice. Not just to go to work or not ( I do - 3 days a week) but that I don't have to choose to feed one child or the other because I have enough for both. Choices regarding all the other aspects of my parenting are a bonus really compared to that. I feel blessed to be able to work in a job I love, to have support around me, to have lovely child care that my kids love, to have a husband who would support me in a flash if I said I wanted to stay at home full time, who would support me in a flash if I said I wanted to work full time and parents who are a very important part of my village.

Anyone who comments about working/not working is usually projecting their own situation - I know a ex co-worker of mine couldn't understand how anyone would stay at home because she felt for her own sake that she had to go to work from 6 weeks with both for 1-2 days a week. Could I do that? No. Did I think she loved her boys less than I love my kids? No. Did she think less of me for staying home for 8 mths then 18 mths - nope.

Thing is we all do what is right for our family. As I have gotten older (and wiser ) I have realised how little I really care about what others think of me and the way I parent just like I don't think any less of others who parent differently to me, because on the whole I have realised that we all do what we do because that is what we want to do and we are doing what WE think is what is best for OUR family. Nobody else other than DH can really, truly tell me what they think is best in OUR situation (funny that).

Parents close to me might share opinions ideas and I can vent about how working drives me crazy at times, but how being home with the kids full time drives me crazy on holidays and then we laugh because that's just me. Anyone who is truly critical and somehow offended by what I do for MY family isn't actually a friend, and if people who are acquaintances give me unwanted advice at times, I nod and ignore or disagree and move on.

As a parent you realise from pregnancy onwards, that you will always get advice from anyone and everyone and you really do just take it with a grain of salt and try hard to not get offended or take things as absolute gospel or you spend your whole time as a parent either angry and upset with people, double guessing yourself or doubting yourself, all of which really isn't worth it.

I also think you have no idea what peoples finances are like behind closed doors, how much debt they have or don't have. My DH makes a very decent income, but my income means that I can buy nice things for the kids, nice things for all of us, we can go on holidays, we can occasionally splurge on things like FOTZ memberships, rib eye for dinner etc.

Anyhoo waffled on (red wine in hand - can you tell ) but I guess all of that novel summed up is - do whatever you want and who cares what anyone else thinks!

[Lenny]

There have always been working parents. There have always been children who spent most of their days in the care of someone other than their SAHP. Many moons ago this was normal. In many countries it still is. Immediate family, close friends, neighbours - they all stepped in to form a what we now think of as a 'village'. It was just the way it was.

Why do we make an issue of it? Simply because it takes a different form than it used to in the 'good ole days'. I doubt that any one of us has made our decisions lightly, and without trying to serve the best interests of our families - now, and in the future.

[No.5]

So I didn't read a majority of the replies, a few here and there.

I was a SAHM for 3 years then made the decision to go back to work full time. Managed for 16 months and am now doing 4 days a week.

I really miss being a SAHM and spending quality time with DS, teaching and learning with him.

I myself wasn't offended by the original post at all, I've had to edit posts before because after re-reading it, have realised it sounded different to what I had intended. To be honest, there are many posts that have offended me but those are the ones I don't even bother replying to. I come on BB to support others and to be supported, not to get into arguments over the way things are worded/intended.

Enjoy your time home with your bub because at the end of the day, that's all that matters

[forshelby]

I was having mixed emotions about this thread. At first I was enraged at the judgement towards working mums............. but then I remembered you haven't done the sleepless night marathon yet. So I forgive you. I also experienced a lot of judgement IRL from those who had BTDT. I was told I wouldn't be able to do a lot of the things I swore I'd do. Sometimes 'they' were right, sometimes I was right. In hindsight, I did have some unrealistic expectations.

I was a SAHM up until 3 weeks ago when the financial pressure built to crisis point. I dragged myself on my hands and knees over burning coals to get us through on one wage. Ok, it wasn't that extreme... lol. But it was hard. I think whether you're a SAHM or a working mum, it's all hard. I can't say one is harder than the other. As a SAHM I got to have nanna naps when I was desperately tired. But as working mum I get adult company and coffee breaks! Ooh, and moments of golden silence... lol. Enjoying these things doesn't make a working mum bad or heartless, just human. Just as a SAHM enjoying time with her child and enjoying some of the perks of that whole deal isn't some kind of lady of leisure who should be envied.

Having said that, I still envy those who have the choice in the first place. It's unfortunate that a lot of us just don't have a choice whether or not to work. But that's just the way it is, and all we can do is focus on the things we LOVE about our lives and not the things that make us want to curl up in a ball and cry. As mums, there are plenty of sources of guilt for us to find..... there's no need for us to turn on eachother and find new reasons to feel bad about ourselves. SAHM, WAHM, working mum..... we all have one thing in common. We all love our children and just want them to have the best lives possible.

Now let's all hug it out

[Beautiful Disaster]

I was having mixed emotions about this thread. At first I was enraged at the judgement towards working mums............. but then I remembered you haven't done the sleepless night marathon yet. So I forgive you. I also experienced a lot of judgement IRL from those who had BTDT. I was told I wouldn't be able to do a lot of the things I swore I'd do. Sometimes 'they' were right, sometimes I was right. In hindsight, I did have some unrealistic expectations.

I was a SAHM up until 3 weeks ago when the financial pressure built to crisis point. I dragged myself on my hands and knees over burning coals to get us through on one wage. Ok, it wasn't that extreme... lol. But it was hard. I think whether you're a SAHM or a working mum, it's all hard. I can't say one is harder than the other. As a SAHM I got to have nanna naps when I was desperately tired. But as working mum I get adult company and coffee breaks! Ooh, and moments of golden silence... lol. Enjoying these things doesn't make a working mum bad or heartless, just human. Just as a SAHM enjoying time with her child and enjoying some of the perks of that whole deal isn't some kind of lady of leisure who should be envied.

Having said that, I still envy those who have the choice in the first place. It's unfortunate that a lot of us just don't have a choice whether or not to work. But that's just the way it is, and all we can do is focus on the things we LOVE about our lives and not the things that make us want to curl up in a ball and cry. As mums, there are plenty of sources of guilt for us to find..... there's no need for us to turn on eachother and find new reasons to feel bad about ourselves. SAHM, WAHM, working mum..... we all have one thing in common. We all love our children and just want them to have the best lives possible.

Now let's all hug it out

This is EXACTLY where I am at. Thanks for putting it into words for me Forshelby xxx

[Trillian]

I don't think that *we* are frowning on SAHMs - if anything the frowning tends to happen the other way and it's working mums that get the knowing looks and behind the back comments. BUT I can see what you're getting at. You're ****ed off that someone has assumed that once you get to motherhood you're going to think that it sucks ass and you wont be able to get back to work quick enough and that's fair enough. I'd be ****ed too if someone had assumed something about my situation. I personally don't think there is anything offensive in the OP - but I can see why some people would see what you've written as as attack on them as well.

FWIW, you're only just finding out that when it comes to motherhood, opinions are like *******s and everyone has one. Not all of them will be the same of yours but they will give it to you whether you want it or not. You soon learn to just glaze your eyes over, nod and smile and vaguely agree with them before changing the conversation. This thread isn't about anyone justifying their life choices to anyone else - hooray for you if you have, but was it necessary? Probably not. No one has to validate their choices to anyone else. Ever. Nor is it about jumping on the OP when she was just having a vent. yeah, she may have ended up coming across as a bit judgy herself, but I'm betting that when the OP wrote this thread she was still pretty ****ed off and cranky and just wanted to let off steam and say the things in here that she couldn't say in person to this woman.

[lady_neon]

A little off topic but why do people always say that SAHM are lucky? Our family has sacrificed a lot financially and I have sacrificed my career (& it was a good career and I loved it & miss it dearly). I don't see that as lucky, I see it as a lifestyle choice. I understand some people don't have a choice financially, but don't just assume that people who are SAHM have some luxury income, living the high life and they are lucky to be a lady of leisure and not have to work. Our family misses out on a lot of things so I can choose to stay at home with my kids while they are young. We sacrificed before they were born, by not having expensive holidays or hobbies so we would have funds to eat into in this stage of our life.

I don't judge those that return for work, whatever their reason, so I think that people need to stop judging SAHM as lucky and not understanding that when you have invested and given up a lot to make a choice, that is not lucky, it is a choice.

This exactly.

[sushee]

It's funny, coz I wish I had had the luxury of not going on holidays so that I could have some savings to stay home with my son for longer. But we spent a lot of whatever we had saved on IVF just to have him. Perhaps had it taken 1 cycle instead of 8 cycles to concieve him it might have been different. Then we borrowed against our mortgage so I could stay home with my long awaited son for 2 years. Then I had the choice of not going back to work and losing the house that put a roof over the head of not only our son but my 3 other kids, or go back to work so my whole family could eat, and we could repay the substantial debt we went into so I could be a SAHM for 2 years.

But you know what? I was still lucky to have been home with him for those two years of his life. I too know someone who had to return to work when her child was 3 weeks old because she had 4 people depending on her wage, the child she did IVF to have.

So I am confused by mothers who claim that they're not lucky to have the option, no matter how tough it is, to stay home. Some people don't have that option at all. You don't think that makes you lucky? I definitely felt lucky to have had a choice at all.

[beansbeans!]

I think there are different variations of working and stay at home mums and working mums.

I think we choose our own paths for our own reasons and shouldnt be put down for it, if we have our own and our childrens best interests at heart. I do think that we dont give each other enough credit.