Is it selfish to want a big family if you aren't rich?

**turtleschell** · November 27th, 2010, 10:00 AM

I'm glad to see that most people seem to share the same view as me.
We live simply, and there's no reason why our kids can't live simply too.
So to all the big families; do you manage to enrol each child in one activity? (Ballet, piano, drama..?) Coz I guess that's my main thing. I think it's important to provide the opportunity for each child to develop a passion for something that most primary schools don't really nurture. And also a place to make friends outside of school. I really wanted this as a child and missed out.

**Trillian** · November 27th, 2010, 10:08 AM

We don't do music lessons. But over summer our kids do Little Athletics and in winter they play football and netball for our local club. That way we are all going to the same place each time and not having 1 child do one thing and 1 child another. We have to travel great distances for most things and our choices are limited so that makes it a necessity for us to do it like that. I know a family with 3 kids and all three of them did different things on the Saturday so mum took child 1 to her sport, dad took child 2 to his sport and they either had to rope in a grandparent to take child 3 to hers or send her with another family. To me, that is just ridiculous to do that because we view the kids playing sport as a family occasion kwim?

**Tegam** · November 27th, 2010, 10:40 AM

Love the topic

I am lucky that DH has worked very hard to achieve his dream career and earns a lovely wage, so i dont have to work. We always wanted a large family and even when we were in other careers and would have found it much more financially stressful, i know we still would have wanted a large number....

However funny as it sounds now we feel/felt like we had to push ourselves to have a large family just so we DIDNT spoil them rotten!

For us 4 is a great number. VERY busy, lovely for all the kids to have loads of sibilings and it pushes us to have to decide what is really important. So the kids get some but not none.

I remember a girlfriend telling me, oh thats it (when she had number 2) as they decided they wanted to give their kids EVERYTHING they wanted. I want to give my kids EVERYTHING the NEED and SOME of what they WANT!

Stuff what DH family says its your family that matters now!

**sasha** · November 27th, 2010, 11:24 AM

We began with wanting four, and I'm thinking that three might be enough for us (M is convinced I'll change my mind... but I'm not so sure! We'll see!) In the end, the decision for us to limit our children was not financial, but emotional. We'll always be able to find the money somehow, but it comes down to being able to spend quality time with each one, and really having enough 'me' to go around for them, and for M, and for myself. I think possibly more than three would stretch that, but as I said, that isn't set in stone. I need to have time to be able to really enjoy my children, and I don't think I could do that if I had more than 4 - that's just me, though.

Also, I would like to work a little outside the work I do here at home. That may mean paid work from home, but more likely it will be going back to teaching, which I really enjoy. I'm a more balanced and happier person when I can get away and 'work' than when I spend all my time at home. Having more children means that puts the working off for just that few extra years, which would make me a bit sad.

So I guess it's not selfish to want a big family any more than it's selfish to want a smaller one. It's finding a way that works for you. There are always going to be people who think that having an only child is akin to a capital offence, and others who would curse you black and blue if you have more than two - you can't win!!

**loulabelle** · November 27th, 2010, 11:36 AM

Interesting thread, especially for me as it's a hot topic for dh and I right now.

I don't think you have to be rich at all, as long as you can have a roof over your head, a full belly and shoes on your feet it's ok.

If I couldn't afford the basic things then I wouldn't but, I don't think kids need new toys, new clothes and and private schools. Obviously it makes things easier but, I do not think it's the be all end all.

Personally, I think of it like this, I would rather have been born into love and happiness but little material things than never have been born at all. My parents were very far from wealthy when I was growing up. It hasn't made me wish for more, it hasn't made me angry at them because I wore my sisters hand me downs. I value my parents, see them as loving, hardworking and honest people. I thank them for showing me the meaning of hard work and a real appreciation for the finer things in life.

Just my two cents

**beansbeans!** · November 27th, 2010, 01:17 PM

Personally I think money isn't a fair factor in deciding on the number of kids you want to have. You never know what your circumstances will be in the future, things could and probably will change dramatically. Different work, more money, less money. Either way you will be able to make it work.
I used to work at the customer admissions of a zoo before the girls came along. There you get used to seeing different family sizes. But one day this bus came in, I went up thinking it must have been a school excursion, but no it was a family. Whilst I was processing the family through I remarked on the size of the family, something like wow, you have a larger family, 2adults and 6children. The father replied 'oh no dear this isnt the whole family, we have 6 more children at home!'
I was shocked and asked him how they got to do things like go to the zoo etc. He said it was easy, the eldest 6 got to go when they were younger, now its the 6 youngest turn. He went on to say that the eldest ones all had jobs and if they wanted to come on that trip with them, they just had to contribute to the costs. Sounded fair to me!
Anyhow my point is I think you would always make it work.
For us at this point in time, we are happy with our two, yes we would like one more. And from there who knows.

We have a series of factors for us, but it isnt based on money as such. At the moment I know we can handle two, We as a family arent ready for a 3rd just yet. I would love to return to work before another one came along, and right now we move aound a lot and I want to be settled before we welcome another bub into our home.

**Sagres** · November 27th, 2010, 01:43 PM

No I don't think it is selfish. I think it depends to what you want to be 'rich' in. If you want to be rich in possessions and labels and the like you probably should have less children, but if you want to be rich in love and family relationships and support then a larger family is a great option for you!
To me the things you would take away by having more children (possessions) are the things that aren't all that important to me, and the things you add (siblings to love and face life with, the support of a large family) are way more important.
Having said that I do realise that not everyone has the luxury of those options. I wouldn't say we are lucky (because it isn't luck, it is through hard work and smart decisions) but DH and I both have uni qualifications and had well paying careers so we have different options to what others have.

**Indadhanu** · November 27th, 2010, 02:40 PM

I don't think it's selfish to want a big family if you don't have a lot of money. Just like I don't think it's selfish only have one child if you do have a lot of money. If you can look after your family, give them what you feel is important for them to have, teach them what you feel is important for them to learn, live the way you want to live, then there's not really much more than that is it? As long as you know how you're going to do it, and your kids have the important things: roof over their heads, food in their belly, clothes to wear, a place to sleep, are happy, and they have the knowledge that they are loved, then that's what matters right?

I'd have a big family, if only sperm wasn't so expensive.

**Phteven** · November 27th, 2010, 03:26 PM

^ they give it away for free at your local truck stop

**RockingBaker** · November 27th, 2010, 04:14 PM

Hell Leash Id give you mine! (if I had some

)
We are not rich by any measure. I'm planning on uni in 2012 to study teaching and DF atm is a casual hand doing anything from tree lopping to cleaning to help out. We're expecting our 5th and we have our basics. We have a nice house we can afford (renting until we're both in the workforce), a cheap, reliable car, all our bills are in credit, we do basic birthdays/Christmas/etc and we have very simple home cooked meals. I'm learning to sew to help clothe 4 little girls (figure dresses that can later be used as shirts are a good staple) and to do simple shorts for DS. We find ways around things. We don't drink (and when DF does its a $5 bottle of wine) and we don't smoke as we would rather the money go to the family.

**Trillian** · November 27th, 2010, 04:19 PM

^ they give it away for free at your local truck stop

EWWW! That's gross LOL

To those who said it shouldn't be based on money, that's why I said it comes down to what your priorities are, but for us personally, I just could not sleep at night if I couldn't go out and buy my kids new shoes etc if they needed them instead of waiting till payday or not pay as much off the power/phone/other household bill to pay for them or having to layby stuff all the time. And you're right, circumstances do change, but that all needs to be taken into account and prepared for JIC it does happen. But ultimately though I think it comes down to the here and the now. If you know you can't afford a baby in what your current circumstances are (and I mean really can't afford it) then perhaps it is best to hold off and if that makes you selfish, then so be it. I don't think that it does make a person selfish, but gee, I grew up in a large family where things were really tight every week and mum was forever 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' and it sucked! It sucked having to wear shoes that had the sole coming off and holes in the toes because your other 5 brothers and sisters needed shoes before you did. I'd love to have had more kids, but I just could not in good conscience bring more children into the family knowing that things would be so tight financially. Some can, but I can't. Love might make the world go round but it doesn't stop a hungry tummy from rumbling.

**Indadhanu** · November 27th, 2010, 05:01 PM

Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ww!

**loulabelle** · November 27th, 2010, 05:05 PM

EWWW! That's gross LOL

To those who said it shouldn't be based on money, that's why I said it comes down to what your priorities are, but for us personally, I just could not sleep at night if I couldn't go out and buy my kids new shoes etc if they needed them instead of waiting till payday or not pay as much off the power/phone/other household bill to pay for them or having to layby stuff all the time. And you're right, circumstances do change, but that all needs to be taken into account and prepared for JIC it does happen. But ultimately though I think it comes down to the here and the now. If you know you can't afford a baby in what your current circumstances are (and I mean really can't afford it) then perhaps it is best to hold off and if that makes you selfish, then so be it. I don't think that it does make a person selfish, but gee, I grew up in a large family where things were really tight every week and mum was forever 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' and it sucked! It sucked having to wear shoes that had the sole coming off and holes in the toes because your other 5 brothers and sisters needed shoes before you did. I'd love to have had more kids, but I just could not in good conscience bring more children into the family knowing that things would be so tight financially. Some can, but I can't. Love might make the world go round but it doesn't stop a hungry tummy from rumbling.

You have said it perfectly trillion.

Funny I seem to sit on the fence in regards to this one. I tend to agree with what pretty much everyone says. It is what YOU can live with/without for the sake of having more kids. Not what others think. We are all different and all have different ideals. There is no right on wrong here.

I think you should completely ignore your ILs and do what is right for you.

**briggsy's girl** · November 27th, 2010, 05:16 PM

i think there comes a point at which you have to balance things for yourself. firstly, you don't need to be RICH to have a large family, but i think Trillian has said it well in stating you shoudl probably consider how you would survive if you couldn't get FTB for some reason. a pay rise mid year for your partner in his job means a change to your income estimate and you can actually lose more FTB than you gain in income when you take into account what he loses in tax and what you lose in ftb as it self-adjusts to prevent overpayments at the end of the year. and you probably should consider what you would do if the government of the day decided to change what payments you're eligible for or how they're delivered.

i don't think you need to be on a high income to have a large family but i do think you need to not only think of expenses NOW, but also in the future - 5 young kids that can use each others hand me downs is very different to five teens and their clothing/food needs (not to mention their mish mash of visiting friends)

if i'm honest, theoretically i would love to have a big family. i was one of two, and would love to give DD a lot of siblings, but we've had a massive downturn in fortune in the past 18months and it's made me realise that we have to be more fiscally responsible. i guess we've been lucky in that we know NOW that there is a health issue for DH that is going to get worse as time goes by, so any family planning has to be done around my ability to earn enough to support us. yeah, short term DH might get work here and there, and help us out, but long term, i'm the one that has to support us so everything has to be planned around me working. we moved closer to my work etc just to make it more workable kwim?

***Ang*** · November 27th, 2010, 09:41 PM

If you know you can't afford a baby in what your current circumstances are (and I mean really can't afford it) then perhaps it is best to hold off and if that makes you selfish, then so be it. I don't think that it does make a person selfish, but gee, I grew up in a large family where things were really tight every week and mum was forever 'robbing Peter to pay Paul' and it sucked! It sucked having to wear shoes that had the sole coming off and holes in the toes because your other 5 brothers and sisters needed shoes before you did. I'd love to have had more kids, but I just could not in good conscience bring more children into the family knowing that things would be so tight financially. Some can, but I can't. Love might make the world go round but it doesn't stop a hungry tummy from rumbling.

Perfectly said Trillian

. We all would love to have more children but at some point you have to take responsiblity for your actions and say enoughs enough we cant afford it. And like some previous posters have mentioned, its all good and well now that children are little but what happens when they get older and their expenses are alot different and a lot more expensive then now?

Like I said before, you certainly dont have to be rich BUT you do need to have some sort of financial responsibility and not just cross your fingers and pray for one powerball.

**angelaartsstudent** · November 27th, 2010, 09:47 PM

I think there is a fine line.

It's not considered "right" by some to be selfish but I also am not a fan of a mother being totally and utterly miserable (depressed) and penniless becuase she is focusing so much on providing for her huge brood of children. Mum's need some stuff for themselves too, I believe. That whole "happy mum, happy baby" philosophy.

**~ Zarava Flutterby ~** · November 28th, 2010, 04:46 AM

Personally we have said we don't want any more children and yes money is a BIG factor.
It's not about sending them to private schools or giving them everything they want but it's about surviving and providing as much as we can in the way of life experiences.

At the moment we struggle (thats with only 2) and i have said i would much prefer to give as much as i can to the 2 i have to regret having more and never being able to do anything later on.

I would like to think i am not a materialistic person, i do like having nice things but that said i'm wearing the same clothes now as before DD1 was born

so that she can have nice clothes and books etc.

I think it depends on your situation, i personally think my XSIL was selfish, she had 3 kids to 3 dads, has never worked a day in her life and has been more than happy to live off welfare and at the time my brother working his butt off.
Now yes my partner works his butt off and i am on welfare BUT we struggle, i WANT to go back to work and i don't expect tax payers to fund my lifestyle for the next 9yrs (yep thats how old her oldest is).

If you have the means to provide for more children then i say go for it, if we had the proper amount of money to do it then i don't think i'd say no to more.. i don't thin you need to be RICH i just think you need to be good with money

just my 2 cents

**beckoes** · November 28th, 2010, 05:16 AM

i like to feel secure financially, which at the moment we are not, DH is unable to work due to injury, he will be working soon, (i hope) and we are about to have a second child. DH has been off work since August and we both agree that the time we have spent together as a family (with little money) has been amazing and we wouldnt swap it for the world! I think when you dont have those distractions you learn to enjoy and love and whole new set of things.
Having said that, once DH is working agian i have a huge list of things i want to do that we havent been able to do while the money has been tight!

a few years ago when DH and i were thinking about kidsand talking with somefriends of ours about wanting to wait till we were a bit more finacially serure first, i remember them both saying ''there is never a right time to hae kids, there will always be something to justify waiting'' i remember the look of love in thier faces when they looked at thier children and realised that waiting to have that was crazy! a few months later we were pregnant! i think you always find a way of managing!

thread: Is it selfish to want a big family if you aren't rich?

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