I am an only child and I love it! My mum tells me there were times when I asked for a brother or sister but I can't remember it. I had my mums complete attention all the time and we had a good relationship growing up. I was lucky to have lots of cousins and close friends who lived next door so I always had kids to play with. I now also have 2 SIL that I adore.
We considered ony having 1 but eventually decided to give #2 a go. They do love each other and I watch them and the special relationship they have and often question my DH if it was like that with his 2 sisters and tell him how lucky he was. So yes there are benefits but my son sometimes feel we don't give him enough attention, my daughter feels my son gets more stuff then she does and I feel torn in two 80% of the time constantly trying to 'be present' for both in equal measure with their unique interesdts and takes on life. So it has it's draw backs as well.
The most important thing is
1. as a child growing up I never felt like I was missing out
2. as an adult looking back I certainly don't feel resentful for not having a sibling.
Hope you can find peace with whichever road you take
My DD was an only child for 10 years. She longed for a sibling.. She was so lonely and jealous of other kids who had siblings.
We had DS in 2009 and are now pregnant again as we don't want him to be lonely like DD was (obviously that's not the ONLY reason we're having another!) as there is such a big age gap between #1 and #2. I grew up with 7 sisters and 1 brother and had such a great childhood.. We all had so much fun together!
In our case, having an only child didn't work but I don't think every child needs a sibling to be happy. I know many families whose kids can't stand each other and probably would have loved to be an only child!
Try to ignore your ex friend hun, sounds to me like she was just trying to get under your skin, even if you had had 2 kids she would have just found something else to try and erk you with.
At the end of the day, the best thing for your child, is a happy, healthy family life, been it a family of 3 or 4 or 10. There are more relationships with people your child will have then just siblings, to focus solely on a sibling relationship as being "the best" suggests to me, maybe its your exfriends children missing out. xx
Sue, you know where I am coming from right now. I can give the adult perspective. Amy and I fought like cat and dog for years but of course you grow up. The experiences you have only a sibling can understand, you might fight when you are little but when you look back it's a HUGE source of mirth (so don't worry to much Mel, I promise you your kids will be laughing their asses off about it one day).
So yes I do. But I realise that isn't always possible, but you can also have friends that become sisters and brothers and you if don't have another child, she will find one too.
BellyBelly Life Member - Love all your MCN friends
Jun 2004
The Festival State
3,008
i think your friend's thinking is very rigid and arrogant. I don't think it's right for her to impose her thoughts on you in such an autocratic way.
It shows incredible lack of empathy for people who don't have a choice too, e.g people with physical issues, people with financial troubles, people with no partner, the list is endless of people who don't have more than one, for various reasons. Plus the obvious, people who CHOSE to have one child.
So she is pretty unaware.
i have guilt that i am not providing my child with a sibling, and i went very "newborn ga ga" for a while there, but now i realise, i actually coudln't COPE with another child, i am finding it challenging enough with one, i think one is my limit. but that is only me. i would not put that on other people.
I do worry i am not sociable enough to provide bilby with all the friends to make up for the lack of siblings. She is nagging me about playdates now, at four. It's hard for me to build up the courage to ask other mums for playdates, and i am very anxious about inviting anyone to ours. (cramped inside and a backyard of dirt, weeds and twigs).
I must admit have said those words. Not in such a horrid way, more in response to people who tell me (in a slightly judgmental way) they need to just love their child and spend time with them before they have another. I think that motherhood has taught me that a human's capacity for love is not finite. Each new person that enters your love world just increases your capacity to love.
I am in awe of the sibling relationship. The way my kids reserve their extra big smiles just for each other, the way my son watches my daughters every move, in awe and wonder, learning. It is more amazing than i could have imagined and I hope it stays that way for a long time.
But if I really thought about, of course it is not the best thing you can do for your children.
Mother Theresa said the best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. I think this is true. If children are in loving environment and learn respect for themselves and other, that is the best thing you can do for them.
If I was having a cup of tea with you and you were pondering whether you should have another, and it seemed like a possible thing, something you could do, I would encourage you to. If over a cuppa you said that you really couldn't do it all againi and DD was your only one, I would support that too, you will build your community around you and she will have go to people. You need to do whats right for you ultimately.
as an only child myself, i swore that i would always give my children siblings. even after suffereing a terrible pregnancy with ds, i knew i would do it once more for him.
i grew up in a home with lots of love and laughter, i had everything materially, that i could ever want. but i always wanted a sibling. even now, to not have a brother or sister to turn to, or to share things with, it's upsetting. i had a time after ds was born, that i acutally felt really depressed that he had no biological aunties or uncles on my side (i say biological, my lifelong girlfriends are all called auntie, and they do a better job than df's sisters). it may seem silly to some, but it got me down.
look, at the end of the day, each to their own, but i don't think you can say 'you can't miss what you never had' unless you have been an only child yourself. some kids love being an only child, i didn't. that's a decision you have to make for your family. but i think you also need to think about the child's later life aswell. obviosuly this is only my opinion.
I think your friend's attitude is really arrogant and narrow-minded, as a PP said. Not all family dynamics work the same.
Some only children love it, others long for playmates. Some siblings get along like a house on fire, others are complete strangers who just happen to share similar genetic material.
I have a brother. We're 3 years apart. And sadly, we have sweet stuff-all to do with each other - we're just vastly different people, we never played together as kids, we never enjoyed each others' company or looked to each other for support or anything like that. Now we're adults, we fight a lot less but we still don't really have much to do with each other - we're just two different people living very different lives (and a big part of that is that I don't approve of his lifestyle atm - he needs a good kick in the pants and to GROW UP ALREADY!), and we see each other often because he still lives with my parents and he drops by to visit the girls regularly. We love each other, but that sibling 'bond' doesn't exist.
That's just my perspective. I think the whole siblings deal might work out okay if you have kids that are the same sex, close together - my girls are nearly 2 years apart and are the cutest example of sisterly love you could wish for. They fight, they bash each other, they kiss each other and protect and run to each other for comfort, they share their toys (actually, they're not fantastic with that... hence the fighting lol), they share the same interests, their eyes just light up when they see each other in the morning and while I think having a sibling is great FOR THEM, it's also the best gift I could have given myself as they keep each other entertained and I get a bit more free time to myself!
Don't panic about doing the 'wrong' thing by your child - having a sibling isn't always the beautiful thing it's cracked up to be. It depends so much on your personal family dynamic as well as your LO's attitude to life - is she lonely, does she have a lot of playmates, do YOU have the time to spend with her now (and further, will you have that time if it's split between two kids?), etc etc. Fertility issues are always a big thing, too - what if you spend years on the IVF merry-go-round only to get no baby, and your DD suffers in the meantime because it's a very stressful, arduous and painful process for the whole family? Or would you both be happier if you accepted things as they are and worked towards alternatives to siblings like getting friendly with the neighbours and their little kids, or promised to spend more time with your MG or friends and their children, kwim?
Whatever you decide needs to be the best decision for your family, not some generic idea of what a traditional or 'appropriate' family unit should be. I really hope you don't let your ex-friend's cruel words get you down - she may have meant it from the best place possible but what she said just isn't true in a lot of cases!! Good luck to you, hun. xx
I guess it depends on the family/persom and their situation i suppose
I think DS1 would be very lonely without his brother and they keep each company....but i think the best experience i can give my children is having fun with them so they can remember in their older years what cool times they had.
you're friend sounds a bit silly. not all families feel the need for more then one child. im an only child and personal i hated it
That kind of thinking is a bit old fashioned I think These days kids have loads of social interaction if you take them to a mothers group, play group, child care, or let them run around in the neighborhood with the other kids kwim And having another child just to give a sibling to your 1st isn't enough. I think you need to be able to look after another baby too. Having said all that we do want a sibling for DS but if we couldn't financially afford another baby or didn't have the time or didn't have the physical health or a whole sag of other reasons then he would be an only child and I don't think he would suffer for it.
Thank you sooooooo much everyone, I've loved reading all of your responses.
At this moment in time, we are at the "no way, no more babies" stage - but DD is still very young. I have gone through stages where I think I could do it again, and others when I feel that we're done. Glamourcide has touched on something that I've been thinking about though - doing IVF again with DD around - I don't want her to suffer if/when we do it. We have no family here who can help out with her should we decide to go down that route and I don't want all of my energy going into an IVF cycle that may or may not work, if that makes sense?
Anyway, that is down the line.
Thank you sooooo much again for your thoughts on this. I feel 100% better about it all. Whatever we do will be the right thing for our wee family.
Being honest, in my head I've only ever seen us with one child. I used to always have this image of DH with a little girl. She's here!
Sue, I think keeping an open mind about it is the best way to handle something like this - you know what is ahead of you and that puts you off, but then as you said she is only young and you never know what you'll think about this situation in a few years time kwim? And you're so right - whatever you do WILL be right for your family
I guess I feel the pressure a lot. People who know we did IVF are constantly asking me if we're going to do it again soon. People who don't know we did it ask me when we're having another. I guess everyone gets that hey?
I need to just chill a bit I think I'm loving being a mummy to DD, she's so much fun. She gets loads of time with other babies, I've made sure of that because we're isolated from family etc. She's a happy wee soul but she's a handful too! Don't know if I could cope with another high energy baby!
Sue different people will have different beliefs based on their own experiences and values. I too have been bombarded with unwanted 'advice' on the benefits of sibbling for DD. I now answer them with "we are unable to have anymore children" not completely technically true but it sure shuts them up LOL.
Also after years of TTC its kinda nice just to sit back and enjoy having a little one IMO and not think about TTC and the issues that brings for folk like us. At least until you want to think about it if you ever do.
There is a choosing to have a single child thread around if you want to chat on that.
xx
I must admit Im a bit jaded on the only child front. The only child we see regularly with no siblings is DF's nephew. He yells at my kids for making noise (DS and DDs dont 'talk' and it makes him angry), the sharing ability is nil and ther's a constant competitiveness for attention. If my kids cuddle me, he must too and it must be better I think atm its got to do with not being in school (he is waiting for the term to start) and spending all day at home playing video games. Admittedly right now my son is watching a dvd (he had a rough night and is feeling fragile this morning so hes watching his favourite movie with his sisters)
As others have already said, each family and what works for them is different.
But I'd like to offer my perspective. I have one brother who is 3 years younger. We've never been particularly close as we are very different people, but we get along well and keep in touch. Our dad died 14 years ago and our mum died last year. I am so grateful to have one other person in my life who has been/is going through it all with me.
Only you can know what will work for your family. Your DD is young still so you have room to keep an open mind.
I think that some behaviours are more age-related or related to family dynamics in general than to being an only child.
My brother's step kids are 5 & 7 and they don't share very well at all, and are always competing with my kids for attention and are generally very difficult to spend time with. I don't think that kids learn how to be around other people because they have siblings. I think they learn because adults take the time to show them ... and sometimes they are just going through a phase.
I think lots of behaviours get assigned as 'typical' of an only child, eldest child, youngest child, middle child etc but I think a lot of the time it is more to do with how the adults around them operate. I am not a huge fan of the stereotypes and don't like the idea of kids being pigeon holed because of their birth order or only child status. I think there are circumstances that lead to certain behaviours developing, but it doesn't have to be like that and parents can put in a lot of effort to ensure some of those issues aren't issue, iykwim.
All relationships take work - whether you have one kid or have ten kids - it takes a lot of work and effort to make sure that everyone is having their needs met. I think the best that parents can do for their kids isn't to ensure they have a sibling but rather ensure their needs of their all their kids, no matter how few or many they have, are met while also meeting their own needs. Obviously, there are going to be different needs in different families but it depends on the dynamics.
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These days kids have loads of social interaction if you take them to a mothers group, play group, child care, or let them run around in the neighborhood with the other kids kwim And having another child just to give a sibling to your 1st isn't enough. I think you need to be able to look after another baby too. Having said all that we do want a sibling for DS but if we couldn't financially afford another baby or didn't have the time or didn't have the physical health or a whole sag of other reasons then he would be an only child and I don't think he would suffer for it.
She's here!
I'm loving being a mummy to DD, she's so much fun. She gets loads of time with other babies, I've made sure of that because we're isolated from family etc. She's a happy wee soul but she's a handful too! Don't know if I could cope with another high energy baby!
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