Teaching Abstinence to our children, what are your views?

[loulabelle]

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

Another who agrees with you tinks


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[onthefly]

i wouldndt' preach abstinence, but i would like it to be an option for my kids. Definitely respect and safety are the key things, and that means having open and frank conversations as well as trying to raise my kids with healthy self esteems.

[Feijoa Mum]

My older boys know that they can come to me or DH about everything and anything and that nothing is a taboo subject in our house.
I have been as open and honest as I can be from an early age with them even with the stuff that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable Try explaining premature ejaculation to a 10 yr old (he heard it on a radio ad)

I strongly believe that the more you know the less you need to find out. So fingers crossed they wont feel the need to experience stuff they arent ready for just because they were curious about it.

However they also know that if they do decide they want to take the next step, hopefully with someone they trust and respect, then there are condoms available no questions asked in the bathroom drawer.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I already talk to DS about abstainence - in an age-appropriate way!

However, that doesn't mean I won't talk to him about safe sex when that is more appropriate. I just want him to know from a young age that waiting until marriage isn't a bad thing.

[Traveller]

I will teach my kids abstinence as the best way to safeguard themselves against STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and the utter heartbreak of making a decision to take that step with someone only for it not to mean as much to them as it did to you. I know many couples who have managed abstinence until marriage (I was not one of them) and it has worked really well for them. I will not do what my mother did which was to try and stop me from ever having sex without explaining why (other than it is not a Christian thing to do). I do think she was coming from a good place but she avoided the issues and just let me find my own way through them.

However I will also be teaching my kids safe sex for if and when they do decide to have sex, and will be keeping a supply of condoms in an accessible safe in the house. I don't care if they use them for water balloons as long as if they do need one they can get one.

[Charlotte91]

I really don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to teaching DD abstinence. I was only with DP 2 months before I fell pregnant.
Geez, my Dad's a pastor!! Although, never lead a church he's done his 'training'.

I'll be teaching her to use a condom, as DP and I never did. Thats why DD is around.

I remember when I was 17 my sister was getting married. When my Mum found out that my sister and BIL had DTD she went off her rocker and tried to call off the wedding. I think that was mainly because they were both in YWAM, which is 'christian college/missions group'.

But I never cared what my folks thought.
I don't want DD to end up like me. Barely 19 with a 6mo..

[OceanPrincess]

I'll be teaching my kids abstinence for religious reasons, but with the right religious message... I heard a bit about it on a DVD the other day and it made sense to me so when I need to, I'll go back to that and revisit the topic.

Anyway - I will talk openly about my own sexual experiences with my kids, that yes I did have sex before I was married but I was a bit young and didn't really know what I was doing... Once I got right with God again i decided to wait until I was married. And I did!

I tell ya, that was a very interesting second date... "I'll have the chicken thanks, by the way, no sex until we are married!"

[loulabelle]

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

For me it would be exactly the same. Gay, straight, male, female. I just want them to know safe sex, and be in a relationship they are truly comfortable in. I want them to know they can say no, but I also want them to be confident enough in themselves that when they yes, they really mean yes. I don't want shame around sex, I want them to know it's natural. My parents are still pretty to this day funny about sex, I could never go to them with questions and apart from the very technical details of how a baby can be made, I was told very little. My dad was funny when it came to me with boys, I think he still would like to think of me as a virgin. Yet, my brothers were able to have there girlfriends stay over etc. I spent most of my teen years believing that I was somehow dirty for even thinking about sex. These are issues I have only come to terms with in recent years. I don't want my children to ever feel like that.



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[peanutter]

really, really interesting thread, PZ!

we will be teaching abstinence as a package deal, about the value and beauty of sex, relationships, self worth, and our bodies.

we will however seek to raise them in a way that makes them feel they could come to us openly if they have decided to sleep with their partner, or slipped on a banana peel (or bottle of passion pop) and woken up in someone's bed ...

I disagree with PPs that abstinence is unrealistic - I know have 20 or so friends who have waited until marriage, and dozens more who waited until they were engaged. And frankly, I don't know anyone who regretted that decision.

That being said, I know loads more people who did not choose to wait. Some have regrets, some don't. But that's their choice.

So I would want my kids to understand safe sex and to be informed about STIs, unplanned pregnancies and other possibilities, so that if they make decisions

I believe however that a big part of my responsibility as a parent is to raise our kids the way we think is best - including sharing with them our values and beliefs.

But I also believe that it's our responsibility to ensure that they feel safe to raise ask questions, discuss other opinions and beliefs and form their own positions in a safe and non judgmental environment.

My parents had firm views on a lot of things. I don't agree with all of them, but I can talk to them about any of them in an open and honest way. I'd like the same to be true of my relationship with my kids.

[MrsBexie]

really, really interesting thread, PZ!

we will be teaching abstinence as a package deal, about the value and beauty of sex, relationships, self worth, and our bodies.

we will however seek to raise them in a way that makes them feel they could come to us openly if they have decided to sleep with their partner, or slipped on a banana peel (or bottle of passion pop) and woken up in someone's bed ...

I disagree with PPs that abstinence is unrealistic - I know have 20 or so friends who have waited until marriage, and dozens more who waited until they were engaged. And frankly, I don't know anyone who regretted that decision.

That being said, I know loads more people who did not choose to wait. Some have regrets, some don't. But that's their choice.

So I would want my kids to understand safe sex and to be informed about STIs, unplanned pregnancies and other possibilities, so that if they make decisions

I believe however that a big part of my responsibility as a parent is to raise our kids the way we think is best - including sharing with them our values and beliefs.

But I also believe that it's our responsibility to ensure that they feel safe to raise ask questions, discuss other opinions and beliefs and form their own positions in a safe and non judgmental environment.

My parents had firm views on a lot of things. I don't agree with all of them, but I can talk to them about any of them in an open and honest way. I'd like the same to be true of my relationship with my kids.

I think i agree with you peanutter. I want her to respect her body, her self and her worth, i dont want her to have sex just because she thinks that = love like her mumma did. My whole sex view was SO warped because my parents only ever said no sex till marriage (pastors!!) cause thats what God said, no explaination why God said that or anything. Then me and dh started dating and for the first time i connected loving someone with all you are and sharing an intimate relationship like that. It was a pretty special moment when i realised what sex was actually about and meant to be! Not a powerplay, a manipulative tool, a way of being hurt or a form of abuse.

I want to be open with my kids and tell them how much i want them to wait until it is the person they love with all they are. I want to teach them how to make wise choices... I just hope i can do that.


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[YoYo]

I'm with you nutter.


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