We have a saying in this house "you don't respect what they don't appreciate". They obviously don't appreciate their stuff, and as much as I hate to say it... they don't appreciate their mum enough to listen and look after your stuff.
Confiscation and enforcing the idea that these things are privileges and not rights will help to grow children, and more importantly future adults, that are responsible and respectful. In our house we have individual chores, family chores, chores to earn pocket money and chores of service.
The first lot of chores are ones that are basic self maintenance - making their own beds; cleaning their rooms; putting their dirty laundry in the basket; my daughter even washes her own clothes by sorting them into colours/whites, turning on the machine, putting in the suds etc. (all with supervision of course) but she's only 5 and she's high-functioning autistic - so there should be no reason why a fully functioning 8y/o can't learn to. She also helps hanging them out (which is very helpful when heavily pregnant to not have to bend) by handing me the clothes with the pegs. If they don't do these things at all (i.e. I find clothes or toys on the ground after zero hour - usually just before bed) they get taken. If they're not put away properly - they get taken. When they've run out of clean clothes or toys to play with they start to appreciate what they have and will work towards earning them back - starting with the dirty clothes they have to wash first.
The second lot of chores are ones we do simply because we are a family and a family is a joint effort - we are a community with different skill sets and no one is anyone else's slave. Family chores are set depending upon age and ability. The younger one's feed the animals, collect the eggs, set the table etc. The older one's stack the dishwasher, sweep the floor - that sort of thing.
And then there's chores for money. These are normally chores that are our or more "adult" chores or fall out of the scope of family living and individual maintenance. Things like washing the car, painting downpipes or fences etc., ironing daddy's shirts, getting rid of cobwebs from the eaves, selling eggs to the neighbours (they get a cut after having to pay hen tax for the chicken's upkeep), cleaning out the garage - that sort of thing.
Lastly, we do chores of service. It was really important to us to instil in our children a sense of community. So once a month we'll go do things like plant trees, or volunteering at the zoo, or do a little working bee at nana's or an elderly friends place (the last two are normally the favourites because it usually involves homemade chocolate sponge cakes and milkshakes).
So there are lots of options, and trying to do them all at once is not going to work - you have to add them gradually and reinforce them with positive praise once they are done. I'm not going to say it's easy at first - they will fight you (and use far more energy in fighting you than it would take to do what you've asked) but it is one of those situations where there will be some backwards adjustment before you can run forwards.
As for the couch - that would really tick me off, they all cost money and don't grow on trees - I would ban them from sitting on it until they treated it with respect, part of that respect would be no eating or drinking on the couch. If they wont get off it when you tell them to, then you remove the reason why they want to sit on it (and I'm guessing that's the t.v) until they listen. So something like this:
Weekday afternoon...
Mum: Says, "No eating on the couch please"
Kids: Ignore mum and think "I'm going to eat on the couch anyway"
Mum: Says, "Fine, no food and no t.v"
Kids: Think, "You're not going to do that" and keep doing what they're doing, or only obey while they think mum is watching. As soon as mum goes, they're back on the couch.
Mum: Mum sees, she doesn't ask again but simply takes away the food and unplugs the t.v - physically removing it from the room.
Kids: Sit there agape as they realise mum is serious.
Mum: Thinks, "It's a pain but I know I'll most probably only have to do it once, twice at the most".
Kids: Start to carry on.
Mum: Says calmly, "You can have the t.v back, when you treat my couch with respect, and respect me by doing as I've asked and stop eating on it".
Kids: Continue to carry on.
Mum: Calmly ignores them.
Kids: Give up and go find something else to do. They go to bed, wake up, go to school and still find the t.v. gone. They eat afternoon tea out in the backyard or at the table.
Mum: Puts back the t.v. once the kids are in bed.
Kids: Wake up to see t.v.
Mum: Says, "If you put food in the couch again, I will take the t.v. away again".
Kids: Believe mum. Stop eating on the couch. And the beauty of this method, is mum doesn't have to keep regulating them if she has more than one child, because one sibling will keep the other in check because they don't want to lose the t.v. again.
It sounds harsh, but you don't have to be harsh in applying it. Actually, it is best to be the opposite and be very cool, calm and collected with a this is the way it is attitude - because it is - it's life. They wont get away disrespecting people and other people's things anywhere else without there being consequences - it could cause unnecessary tension in relationships, they could lose their jobs etc. The big gesture only has to be done once or twice and gets the message across quickly to bring about peace quickly. And the benefits will fall out to other areas because the kids have to start to think, "If mum meant what she said there, does she also mean what she says here...?" They will eventually begin to start to self-regulate and take responsibility and pride in themselves and their belongings and relationships - which is the goal. But you have to be consistent, if your not, you most probably should just resign yourself to the other alternatives of nagging, giving-up, and being ignored.
Anyway good luck.
Last edited by Yeddi; August 15th, 2010 at 11:15 AM.
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