A counsellor once gave me an excellent tip. When I said I was missing my Mum, he asked what it was about her that I missed (like a specific trait). I said that I missed her sillyness and having fun (we played a lot of games) and he asked me if there was anyone else in my life who did those things with me. It reminded me that my SIL (who was my best friend in high school) gave me the same fun, so he suggested spending more time with her to help fill that gap.
It completely helped. Not something you can 'cure', but you can take the sting out sometimes.
hi ladies,i just wanted to quickly reply,i had tears when reading this,i feel so alone sometimes and yet read this and reminds me im not!!My dear mum passed coming up 5 years next year and i was married but my DH didnt want kids for a long time,i feel angry at him in some ways because we were married a long time and we both knew we were going to have kids he just wanted to wait and wait(was actually gone 10 years married that he finally agreed)i just really wanted my mum to meet my daughter or to at least know i was pregnant because she knew how much i wanted to be and she wanted it too,i have 2 older sissters and they both have children who loved and remember there nanny and how loving and fun she was and i feel sad that i dont have her and my kids will never enjoy that,sorry that turned into a bit of a vent!I get sad too and feel i wish so much she was here i know i cant change things and i do agreee as you said Netti it takes away some sting to have ones close wwho are similar,i just worry im still a bit bitter and sad about mum gone i dont know how though to get it out.i guess they will always be missed and everytime we see a grandmother with children and daughters its just a reminder,i just feel i want to say to people who complain etc to appreciate there mums because some of us dont have them in our lives anymore so enjoy them while there here!Every post here is so close to how i feel i guess we all have similar feelings after being through it and i want to be a fun happy mum like mine was but sometimes i too get jealous of others and i feel i dont have the help like they do,there mums do so much and help and things life can be so unfair but i guess i need to try be positive and a good mum my self for my little girl.
Thanks for responding 1pj it is important to know we are not alone. Being a parent is hard enough without all this stuff on top isn't it? I was involved with a Motherless Mothers group for a while which was good as we were all facing the same challenges. There is also a great book called Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman which interviewed women of different ages who have lost their mothers at different stages and what impact that has had.
I don't think grieving for your Mum as an adult is really well appreciated by others. It's kind of like well you're an adult now sad your Mum isn't here but get on with it. It's the natural order of things your parents die before you it's suppose to happen. Maybe that is the case when they have lived a nice long life but I am assuming all of ours have died in middle age which was too early, is so hard to deal with and has long lasting impact on us and our families.
As has been said it is hard not to compare what we don't have with everyone else and what we should have. It doesn't help me but at times I can't help but think why me? And the family we have been left with have their own stuff going on so she was the best of our grandparents and she isn't here. I get not everyone gets on with their Mums and sometimes people are Motherless Mothers not through the death of their Mums but through abandonment, sickness or distance. However in our case we had a chance of things being great and due to circumstances out of our control everything is so different and that takes a bit of working though. Almost like that movie Sliding doors we would have been living a different life. From the emotional support, my health, even where we live now has been affected by her death. Amazing how far reaching the consequences have been.
And look it's not all bad I have learned through this experience that I am a lot stronger than what I thought I was. That I can look after myself and my family without help. That when the thing that you fear the most happens you can survive it. Whether you like it or not somehow the world keeps turning, you keep getting up each morning and your life goes on. It is different to what you would have wanted but you adjust and make a new normal for your life. We are really resilient like that. For me I am trying to work out how to limit the emotional impact of losing my Mum on my own mothering so that my kids don't turn around at the end and say "why was she always sad, tired, angry, resentful, etc" and instead try and take all the wonderful mothering I received and use that instead. My Mum wasn't perfect but if I can recreate that sense of unconditional love and support for my kids I will be happy.
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks