Thanks for responding 1pj it is important to know we are not alone. Being a parent is hard enough without all this stuff on top isn't it? I was involved with a Motherless Mothers group for a while which was good as we were all facing the same challenges. There is also a great book called Motherless Mothers by Hope Edelman which interviewed women of different ages who have lost their mothers at different stages and what impact that has had.

I don't think grieving for your Mum as an adult is really well appreciated by others. It's kind of like well you're an adult now sad your Mum isn't here but get on with it. It's the natural order of things your parents die before you it's suppose to happen. Maybe that is the case when they have lived a nice long life but I am assuming all of ours have died in middle age which was too early, is so hard to deal with and has long lasting impact on us and our families.

As has been said it is hard not to compare what we don't have with everyone else and what we should have. It doesn't help me but at times I can't help but think why me? And the family we have been left with have their own stuff going on so she was the best of our grandparents and she isn't here. I get not everyone gets on with their Mums and sometimes people are Motherless Mothers not through the death of their Mums but through abandonment, sickness or distance. However in our case we had a chance of things being great and due to circumstances out of our control everything is so different and that takes a bit of working though. Almost like that movie Sliding doors we would have been living a different life. From the emotional support, my health, even where we live now has been affected by her death. Amazing how far reaching the consequences have been.

And look it's not all bad I have learned through this experience that I am a lot stronger than what I thought I was. That I can look after myself and my family without help. That when the thing that you fear the most happens you can survive it. Whether you like it or not somehow the world keeps turning, you keep getting up each morning and your life goes on. It is different to what you would have wanted but you adjust and make a new normal for your life. We are really resilient like that. For me I am trying to work out how to limit the emotional impact of losing my Mum on my own mothering so that my kids don't turn around at the end and say "why was she always sad, tired, angry, resentful, etc" and instead try and take all the wonderful mothering I received and use that instead. My Mum wasn't perfect but if I can recreate that sense of unconditional love and support for my kids I will be happy.