In regards to seeking approval from others (ds is sorta similar but it causes him great anxiety if he thinks he will get something wrong) I create situations in which it is up to them to choose something or make a decision....or with the chart - "what do we do when we have brushed teeth?" etc

I hope to create a sense of self-reliance - it's ok to get something "wrong" - like wearing gumboots on a hot day so they can see the consequences of something small and therefore be able to make a decision for themselves the next time, without looking to me.
Giving them the confidence to think for themselves - yay! It's terrific when you can see them thinking I did that, all by myself.

Very true. I love it when DD says look mum "I did it all by myself"

I don't love it when she is asked to put her pjs under her pillow and she says "no, you do it"