Powelly - welcome! Congratulations too on your glorious BFP and pregnancy. And hugs for having such a rough day
How brave of you to join this thread... I know it takes a lot of courage, or at least it did for me, to join a pregnancy thread ( and now they can't get me to leave...lol). Next step my sweet is a ticker... it took me til 18 weeks to get up the courage to do one and honestly I wish I'd done it sooner.... in some many other ways I celebrated the pregnacy with Hannah, but then in some crucial ways where I needed to demonstrate it to others I couldn't? I suppose we all do what we need to in order to get through. I would put my hand on my tum every day, usually lots of times throughout the day, inhale, close my eyes, and just revel in the joy that right now right at this very minute, I am pregnant and growing a new life within me. It really helped calm me down and connect with the baby that is now Hannah. But then it took me ages to join a pregnancy thread, to get a ticker, to set up a nursery, to actually beleive that I would get to bring Hannah home.
First of all, you will cope with early parenting. Yes it can be challenging, but you've done it already and you can do it again. It will be different to parenting DS, but your new bubs is their own person, who has two big brothers. But you will cope and you will be an awesome mum. So put that worry aside for now....
Second of all - even though I can't say from my own experience ( yet...) I expect that after actually having the wonder of parenting an earthside bubba that a pregnancy following loss is even more arduous both emotionally and physically, than one after loss. How do I express this without sounding insensitive? A loss of any baby is completely devastating, but once you've had an earthside bubba, there's more understanding of the realities of what is lost? For me, now that I get to parent Hannah, I more keenly miss the opportunities I could have had with Amelia, Nicholas and Sophie, more than I did before Hannah. Before it was more me just imagining what the realities of parenting were, rather than actually having experienced them. Seriously? If I lost any future pregnancies, I think I'd go batty. Seriously. I think that would be the end of any semblance of sanity.
So having said all that? I guess I am trying to say, as you already know from your own experience pregnancy after loss is a tough journey and I think this journey now will be even more demanding. But having said that, I have every confidence that you will make it through. You are a beautiful and resilient woman, and you can do this.
That's understandable being worried about depression.... if you think about it, you're saying you're worried about loss of control. I remember feeling petrfied of depression too both ante and post natal. I think what I did was first of recognise it, then explore it and then just accept those fears. It's almost that once I did that I was less worried about it... sort of I took away the fear of the unknown. Didn't mean I banished the fears completely, but most of the time, I didn't let them have power over me. Ahh, back to control.... one of the mantra's I try to tell myself is accepting that there is only a perception of control.... but to also focus on the things I can control... which is in essence how I choose to respond to things. Damn hard, that one.
If you feel that your anxiety is getting on top of you then seek help. Honestly, to look after your DS and the baby you're growing now, you need to look after yourself. Also there's no need to carry more burden's than you already are - why make the journey harder?
About getting through the pregnancy? My tip? Take it one moment at a time. It's such a big journey ... right now it feels insurmountable, like climbing Mt Everest, but if you focus on the now or break up the journey into smaller parts, it seems much more manageable.
And about the thoughts of not being able to cope with another baby? Mums who haven't had loss think that too...
Go gently on yourself, this is a very hard time. And always feel free, whether it's doom and gloom or not, to ask for support and express your thoughts in here. That's what we're here for - to listen, and try and help you through.
Hey guess what? You're pregnant! That is just the most amazing miracle and right now, you are doing the most important thing ever - being a mum.
Beautiful words Dory - I can't really add anything more to what she has said other than to welcome you to the group with a big hug
I totally 2nd Dory too in what she said about taking it one moment at a time; I found it really helped me to break it up into smaller goals rather than just the 1 big one at the end. Each little milestone makes the journey that much easier.
Laney - so good to hear Graysons OT is going well. Our baby room is on its way to ready finally! It has been our guest room so I had to get rid of the furniture... ebay has been good to me We have everything now except for a new cot mattress. DH was busy this afternoon installing Kaitlyns new car seat and dismantling the double bed ready for the ebay buyer to pick up later this week so the room is a work in progress at the moment. Give me till the end of the week though and it will be a different story lol!
Can't believe I hit 35 weeks today!! Aargh not long to go now!!!
Angellukesmum - thank you so much for the warm welcome and your words. Wow, 35 weeks! That's fantastic. It must feel nice to be on the other end of the pregnancy, although I'm sure you have a different set of feelings with the impending birth. Very exciting!!
Dory - you are the most amazing person and thank you so much for making me welcome and validating my feelings. You hit so many nails on the head and I did shed a few tears reading your reply. The control thing is a massive issue for me and it's been that way since I can remember, only it got worse after losing our little man. You made me realise that my fear of depression is just that, fear of losing CONTROL. That's why I over analyse my day to day feelings. If I wake up feeling flat, I automatically fear the worst. It's something I need to do more work on and I'm seeing a psychologist who is helping.
You are right too about finding this pregnancy harder, after the birth of my beautiful son. When I was pregnant with him, (after the loss), I had never known the beauty of having a child. All I could do was get to the next step in the pregnancy and I never once thought about what would happen when he arrived. Honestly, didn't read one thing about what to do with a baby. Being pregnant this time, and knowing what we have with him (and also what comes when bub arrives) is certainly harder to deal with for me. I could never understand why I felt that way but you helped me make sense of it.
I have so many wonderful family and friends all ready to help (sadly we haven't told anyone other than family that we are pregnant as we want to get the all clear at the 20 week scan first). This safety net is leading to a lot of isolation, hence why I found it so important to get myself in here to this wonderful thread. Those people I love so much are supportive and trying to help, but none of them have experienced the loss of a child so they don't truly understand. Not their fault, it's just the way it is.
Anyway, after my awful day yesterday, I decided to start thinking about today. Not tomorrow, not when the baby comes, just today. What's happening right now. What can I do to make today great. I'm sure there will be many more rough days, but instead of freaking out about my coping abilities in 6 months time, I need to relax.
Once again, THANK YOU. I really am so grateful to have such wonderful understanding support.
Powelly - that's the way to get jiggy with this journey! Didn't mean to bring tears though... hugs.
I just thought of something else that helped me, and is totally based on my own experiences and not from my counselling sessions or talking with other bereaved mums. It's about celebrating this pregnancy. For me, despite all my other fears and quirks about not getting a pregnancy ticker, not joining a baby buddies thread ( have you thought about that? I did and there were women in there who had suffered m/c and some who hadn't, but it was really nice to be able to almost normalise the pregnancy by sharing the journey with others at exactly the same stage. I say almost because, the fear at times can be paralysing and the dread and forboding so overwhelming but I did like seeing what other women were experiencing in what I thought were "normal" pregnancies. And, I am still in that thread with those women and they are a great source of support to this day) It might also help with your feelings of isolation... maybe even if you just lurk in that thread for a while and see how you go before you plunge in? Whoops off on a tangent there.... sorry.
You identified the point precisely.... if you don't tell people, then they can't offer their support. So maybe another way to rejoice in the miracle of life you are so beautifully nuturing is to gradually extend the circle of people who know?
And about isolation... I so understand your feelings there. Not to talk about myself too much ( oh dear, how I love to do that... LOL), but at 7 and a half weeks I stopped work and went on to a modified best rest... I didn't actually ever get around to asking the Obs what he meant by that, but I kind of made it up as I went along depending on how I felt, but I pretty much kept to my bed/lounge. Pretty much my sources of personal support was DH, my cats, and BB and one friend who visited me every two weeks. Apart from that my Mum called me but she was busy caring for my brother who's not well and she lives 2 hours away anyway. My Dad openly admitted not being able to call me because he was too scared to get bad/sad news. It was a very very lonely time. No work, no sports, no socialising, no movies... though I did sneak out for a take away coffee sometimes. I wonder why people didn't visit me, and I think it's a lot of factors but one of which was I actually kept people away. Not sure why when I was desperately lonely. I think it's because I didn't want them to see my house messy and me all vulnerable? Besides who likes to entertain guests from the regal position of lying in bed or on the lounge in a schmoz of a house. It's funny though since Hannah has been here, I've not cared so much about what the house looked like when I've had guests, and I have invited them in.
The one thing is being by myself so much got me to actually slow down and I got used to my own company and also gave me plenty to time to think and really explore my feelings. I was on BB a LOT too....
Anyway, got to run.... belly rubs from me! 14 and half weeks is a very good achievement!
Jo - OMG - you sound so much like me and the nursery except we gave our bed away to my cousin. I am so excited for you.... nominally 5 weeks to go! I am sooooooooooo excited for you.
Laney - are you snowed in with that terrible blizzard? How do you cope with little ones? I'll bet they get cabin fever. Hugs to you boys for me.
Teni - 34 weeks girl - look at you and Cookie go. Belly rubs.
I am a bit petrified today, My ob has booked me in tomorrow to be induced, due to my blood pressure problems. I can't help but feel it's going to happen all over again! ( i know it's silly) oh well fingers crossed for tomorrow and i feel a bit bad, we can't seem to settle on a name for our little Smudge! We have about a dozen of them and can't pick one!
Hey Bec! Wow, it's so exciting hun (and a bit nerve wrecking too I know!) you'll be holding your little one soon! Can't wait to hear all about it hun. I was really freaking out before I had my c/s but was also so excited to have Cam out as well! Don' worry about the name hun, we couldn't settle on one either, in hossy he was Baby Anderson for a few days! lol.
Samcougar - OMG ! That is awsome. Tomorrow! Tomorrow your little smudge will be here... well if the induction works quickly. I am so excited for you. I understand your fear and trepidation. Nothing I can say will actually make it any better for you - in my experience the only thing that made me believe, was actually having a little one in my arms I am thining of you and sending you all my strength. You can do this. And don't wrry about names - you'll have about 60 days to sort that out. Once she's here, she might help you with that decision anyway. Oh my, I can't wait to hear. Take care and go gently. Enjoy your last day of this miracle pregnancy with smudge...
Samcougar! Just read your post and am so excited for you!!! Good luck today and can't wait to hear your happy news when you have your gorgeous little baby in your arms. Thinking of you!!!
We have everything now except for a new cot mattress. DH was busy this afternoon installing Kaitlyns new car seat and dismantling the double bed ready for the ebay buyer to pick up later this week so the room is a work in progress at the moment. Give me till the end of the week though and it will be a different story lol!
and i feel a bit bad, we can't seem to settle on a name for our little Smudge! We have about a dozen of them and can't pick one! 
Bookmarks