Where do I fit?

[TeniBear]

This is definitely #2. No doubt about that. But where do I fit?

There's heaps of people on BB pregnant with #1 full of expectation about their first baby and wondering what pregnancy's like... And there's threads filled with people pregnant with #2 or more dealing with things like "how did you tell your other child?"

I know what pregnancy is like. Sure, I don't know what getting to full term or going into spontaneous labour is like, but mostly, I don't fit in with girls pregnant with #1.

I won't be sitting Ianto down and telling him he's getting a little brother or sister. I'll be going to the cemetery to visit him, and tell the patch of dirt he's buried under that I'm pregnant. I don't fit in with girls pregnant with #2.

What do you do? Does this even make sense? It was probably suited better on the FF forums where I originally asked - they have boards specially for first, second, whatever pregnancies It's a little less restrictive here

Oh, also, when a stranger asks if this is your first baby, what do you say? Obviously most would say "no" but how do you make them understand it'll (hopefully) be your first living child?

[Miss.B]

Hi Teni,

Congrats again sweetie!!!!! I'm so happy for you hun, over the moon in fact!

Honey, you are pg with bub no 2. That's where you are. Ianto was and always will be your first born son. Sure you didn't get to full term with him, I didn't either with Joshua, but you still carried him for most of the 9 months and 32 weeks to me is almost there. Yes he is not here physically with you, but he is always around you. If you reach out your hand, he will touch it and stroke it. He is always right beside you hun. So when people ask, if this your first???? Say, no, this is my second, I have an angel in heaven. I used to say this, but then it was simpler to say 'no', and then I realised I was letting Josh down. He should be acknowledged, he was here, if not for a short time, but he was here and I will always honour his memory and existance.

I found the pg after still birth/late loss the most fitting for me. There, I always felt safe and the girls kept me sane at some scary times !!!!! They all understood. I also joined the belly buddies, and all the girls there were fantastic (I'm now in the baby buddies group with most of them) but there I wasn't always able to talk about my high anxiety of my pg, and especially about Josh. I didn't want to keep referring to him and make the others nervous iykwim.

Good luck hun, I hope you find a good place to fit in!!!!!

Big hugs,
Beata xxx

[KitFaerie]

My Grandma had a stillborn son, even though it wasn't talked about in 'those days' and even though she never got to meet him (stupid hospital!) she still introduced my Dad to people as ''my eldest and second-born'', I'm so proud of her for that.

[Spring Angel]

Hun, I totally get how you feel. When I was pregnant with my second son (my first earthside child) I felt I didn't fit. Prepare yourself for the "is this your first child?" questions. I found the pregnancy after stillbirth and late loss thread to be an absolute lifesaver. I credit the women I met in this thread as some of my most treasured lifelong friends.

I didn't go into the belly buddies groups at all. I just felt that I didn't fit. My pregnancy experience was much different to theirs and I didn't want to take away their innocence IYKWIM, I needed a place where I could be 100% honest, warts and all.

I'm so happy that you got a BFP babe.

Spring xx

ETA: Hun I had a rule about people asking 'is this your first bub?. If it was a complete stranger that I would not see again (like a checkout lady) I would say yes then whisper under my breath (I love you Harry) it was just my way of surviving because honestly every single person seems to ask that question. If it was someone I'd see again (like work colleague) I'd be honest and say 'no, I have had a baby boy who was tragically stillborn'. Prepare yourself for the whole range of responses from completely ignoring you, to sympathy to stupid responses like everything happens for a reason which was always upset me and make me furious. HTH

[Laney]

TeniBear, I struggle with the "is this your first child" question. Even after your bub is born everyone will ask if they are your first. I really have not had the courage to tell people that Grayson is my 3rd baby. It is mostly for me. I am afraid that if I say no I will break down into tears.

I have always felt very comfortable in the pregnancy after late loss thread. I have made some life long friends as well. It has been a little quiet lately but I hope the chatter picks back up soon.

[sconeonamission]

Teni,
If it was me, I'd be saying no, it's my 2nd. If it's some random stranger, they don't need to know all the details. Let them think whatever they want to think. iykwim. (eg: He's being cared for, because you know he is.) If it's someone you know, they'd already know the answer.

All the best, xx

[Glamourcide]

My Grandma had a stillborn son, even though it wasn't talked about in 'those days' and even though she never got to meet him (stupid hospital!) she still introduced my Dad to people as ''my eldest and second-born'', I'm so proud of her for that.

I just wanted to say that I think that is so beautiful. Very eloquent.

Teni, I can't really offer you any advice as I've not been in your shoes. But I'm absolutely STOKED for you and ScottyDuck on getting your BFP, after all the pain you've both been through and all the pain that is still to come, as I know Ianto's loss will never be easy on you. I can't tell you how to answer those awkward questions or how to deal with nosy strangers, but know that every single one of us here are holding your hand through this and sending you all the positive vibes we can Best of luck hun, you deserve it!!

[TeniBear]

Kit, I agree, that's wonderful of your Grandma Such a good way of saying it...

Thanks everyone

[luna moth]

I have a friend who says "He's my first surviving." and leaves it at that.

Slot yourself in wherever... Laney's in my Belly Buddies thread (that's right, it's MINE! ) and I love it. There's hardly any innocence to steal, like Spring feared, as the majority of us have had a loss, albeit early. But it's very grounding, having a reminder that things can go wrong at any stage; stops you from getting carried away - which is good, cos if your head's in the clouds, bad news makes it further to fall. Hope that makes sense.

Don't feel like you don't "belong" anywhere - that's a perception of yours. If you change it, then you belong everywhere.

I say get thyself to a Belly Buddies group. And parallel post in a PAL thread. And everywhere else As if you need encouragement to spend time on BB...