Need help, Daddy is not coping well, advise please :-(

[mummy&daddy1]

Hi everyone,

My partner and I are having our first baby and I am only 10 weeks along. I have been suffering from all days sickness for 4 weeks now. I get really tired in the afternoons and by the time I get home I just want to sleep. I make dinner, clean up, organise myself for work, make his lunch all while he watches TV or plays on the internet.

Yesterday my partner told me I was on some sort of power trip which I was very upset about. I dont beleive I have done anything wrong but be sick CONSTANTLY. I have sort of snapped at him in the last week twice as he was annoying me while I was trying to make dinner, I did explain why I did that but he doesnt understand.

My partner comes from a family where everything was done for him and everyone listened to what he said. From what I can gather he is struggling as our relationship has changed for the moment because im not very loving etc. I tried explaining that being sick all day and all night is no fun for me. Im tired, 10.30pm is extremely late for me these days but he just cant see it. He is too worried about himself.

I just dont know what to do, I still have options regarding the baby but i dont want to go down that path, I want my partner to step up and be a man!

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks

[Traveller]

You are going through a period of adjustment, not just physically but in your relationship too. Personally I feel it is very important to lay the ground rules out now unless you want to be caring for a baby and a grown man in 6 months time.

Sit down with him, and explain how you are feeling. Let him know that you are his partner and as such expect to be supported in your pregnancy, and in your joint decision to raise a child together. It will only get harder as the months go on if he wants a maid and lover instead of a life partner so let him know now what you expect. If he loves you (and I'm sure he does) he will take this new life as an opportunity to step up to the plate and be the partner and father you need.

If that fails then plan B would be to sleep when you feel like it. Ignore his laundry and his meals, unless you happen to be doing your own. He will soon value how much you do and it may force his hand into helping you.

You have my sympathy, I remember how hard it is to be cooking when feeling very ill.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

BIG

I went through a similar thing when i was in the early stages of pregnancy. I had all day sickness from about 5 weeks to about 15 weeks. I would go to work and get home and have to go straight to bed, i was utterly exhausted.

You do need to sit him down and tell him your feelings and say its not him at all your body is going through a big change at the moment, you have so many hormones and feelings running through you at the moment and anything you do or say shouldnt be taken to heart.

[~mamaspice~]

You are going through a period of adjustment, not just physically but in your relationship too. Personally I feel it is very important to lay the ground rules out now unless you want to be caring for a baby and a grown man in 6 months time.

Sit down with him, and explain how you are feeling. Let him know that you are his partner and as such expect to be supported in your pregnancy, and in your joint decision to raise a child together. It will only get harder as the months go on if he wants a maid and lover instead of a life partner so let him know now what you expect. If he loves you (and I'm sure he does) he will take this new life as an opportunity to step up to the plate and be the partner and father you need.

If that fails then plan B would be to sleep when you feel like it. Ignore his laundry and his meals, unless you happen to be doing your own. He will soon value how much you do and it may force his hand into helping you.

You have my sympathy, I remember how hard it is to be cooking when feeling very ill.

:yeahthat: I couldn't have said it better.

[Fleur]

:yeahthat: all of the above.

Can you try & explain to him what is going on here... you are growing a baby, it's a huge toll on your body! maybe give him some reading, pregnancy books or the like that can explain what you are going through (and what's to come for that matter).

He needs to understand he is not going to have you at his beck & call for a long long time to come... better to sort it out sooner than later.

Hugs to you It's a time of adjustment and I hope it passes soon for you and you can move together into the next phase of your relationship.

ETA - just thought I'd add, it's worth keeping in mind I guess that it can be a stressful time for men emotionally as well, sometimes the idea of another person to care for & feed etc is a bit daunting in the beginning.
As Traveller said, you need to sit down & talk with him about how you are feeling & it might be an opportunity for him too if he's feeling a bit out of sorts.

[willow5]

Every one has given you great advice, I don't think there's a lot I can add, except maybe to SLAP HIS MOTHER! I say that with humour, BUT! Mothers really should think about the future when they mollycoddle their precious boys to the point of them being spoilt and hopeless as a partner!

for you I was very sick when pg with DS3 I know how you feel it's horrible! I think you're doing a great job, here's hoping your DP gets it together to look after you soon

[Smoke Jaguar]

Power trip?? Ahhhh, he doesn't like that he knows he will have to step up very soon and have to serve YOU! That's not a power trip, hun, that's being looked after while you do very important, largely invisible work. He is resisting.
Just so you know, you can do the rest of this journey without him - lots of BB chicks do better by ditching the excess baggage. Hopefully, though, your DP can get over himself and grow up.

[Bathsheba]

I agree with Maya. What he is saying is that he doesn't like the shift in power from being all his to other other people: you and the baby. You deserve more help.

[MantaRay]

Do you have friends with kids? It might help your DP to talk to other men who have "been there, done that". Pregnancy is a very trying time in a relationship, but having a new baby is even worse. You are going to need a lot of help, support and rest, and if your DP is not prepared to step up, things are going to go very bad very quickly. I strongly suggest that you find someone that your DP will listen to, to explain the realities of pregnancy and parenting. I wish you all the very best hun, you are in a very difficult situation

[kelbel]

Your poor darling
I thought at first I was reading my own story, everything except the pg bit. My DP so far has steeped up to the plate. However prior to pg, his theory was he earns more money than me therefore doesn't need to do anything else around the house.

My suggestion would be getting your hands on a Pg for dads type of book. There is an Australian one called Diary of a Pregnant Dad, or something to that effect. It's obviously written from a dads' perspective and goes through the physiological changes mums go through and what that means for a man. It relates the size of the baby to tools so they understand, (god bless them).

Another thing is I know of some guys that have had real problems with noticing a pg as being real because they don't experience all the physical things, until they can feel the baby move.

GL and

[Blondie]

Hi Chick,

Ok I was in a similar situation to you with me coming home, cooking dinner, cleaning up, making lunches and then crashing on the couch. I handled it this way....now take from it what you will but it has worked thus far with me.

Start of slowly by waiting until he is in a good mood and then asking him to do something like, "Honey can you please take the bin out when you have a chance?"
and then when he does it praise him like you would a Child. say "Honey thanks so much for helping me out, love you!" he will feel appreciated

I also do things like...."Honey would you lift up the washing basket for me and take it to the Laundry...its way too heavy" that will make him feel like he is needed

I also put a special treat in his Lunch Box with a note saying "Thought you might like this...have a great day!"

Sooner or later, he is starting to feel like you need him and want his help...he is starting to feel more in control and before you know it he will just do something to suprise you because he loves when you give him compliments and give him affection.

I know it seems stupid and that men should just "man up" and help when needed but sometimes you need to coax these things out of them.

Also, has he seen the baby on U/S? My DF treated me like a princess the minute he laid eyes on his little son/daughter on the U/S screen....it was like a switch had been flicked to on

Hope this helps in some way!

Blondie xox

[Kazbah]

Great post there Blondie.

If you'd only just starting TTC then it can be a shock that it's "real". My DH refused to believe both this time & with DS until he saw the u/s. Oh, mind you, the time my dog threw up and I threw up as well ... the dog & I were both kicked outside. Then there was the time I did a slow cooker roast chook and threw up solidly until the smell went from the house. Then DH got the idea I had no control and this is what pregnancy is ...

It will take time. If you DH doesn't read, it really isn't worth buying a book, DH never opened "So you're going to be a Dad" and I gave it away.

Good luck, it's a hard road to begin with ...

[LionsandBears]

I recommend a great book called "Dad's pregnant too" It is non-patronising, but really explains things to men about whats really going on and points out how they can make things better or worse. If he won't read the book, he can get a weekly email from the website. My DH still comes up and asks me about stuff he's read about.

He really does need to man up and accept things have changed. You may have a great 2nd and 3rd trimester or you may hit other, harder complications (fx you don't). I've recently developed SPD, so now have difficulty walking, getting up and down stairs, getting in and out of chairs/bed/car etc without a lot of pain. If my DH wasn't supporting me through this both physically and emotionally I'd be stuffed (and so would our marriage).

GL

[lauram]

everyone has given great advice. it sounds as though he is acting out because he realises he may not be getting the kind of attention he''s used to. this time is about both of you but you are the one doing most of the work at the moment. its great if you can sit down and talk things out with him but it sounds as though he might not be open to that given that he said you're on a power trip.
personally i think he needs a dose of reality and maybe need to hear things from someone else. my doctor and the midwives have all given my husband a big eye opener simply by just explaining to him what im going through as a mum to be and what his responsibilties will be going forward. i think hearing it from someone else made it less like i was complaining and nagging and more like this is a real situation and i need as much help as possible. that and im forcing him to read Up the Duff which has also opened his eyes

[Lewis's Mummy]

Everyone has given you lots of great advice. My MIL also needs a kick up the arse for doing everything for her sons their whole lives and thinking the sun shone out their butts... if he hadn't had a couple of years living away from home interstate, there's no way our marriage would have lasted this long...
With DS I was lucky enough to have no sickness at all and was able to just rest when I got home from work once dinner etc was done, so for DH it wasn't such an adjustment. This time though, it's a completely different story. I had post 2pm sickness every day which included the throwing up, not just nausea, couldn't stand the sight or smell of meat or cooking veges - that's what made me chuck, together with the tiredness. Plus working and dealing with a very active toddler, and now at the other end of the pg I have serious back ache and fatigue like I never thought possible! I have had to be very clear all the way along what I needed from him - from simple things like dealing with DS at bath time and even more at bedtime (the bigger I've gotten, the harder it is to sit on the bed and read stories etc...) to obvious things like "If you don't want your dinner chucked up into, you need to cook the meat and do it outside on the bbq"...

It's all so different once there's a third little body to think about, even when it's on the inside! It never used to matter that he was oblivious to what needed to be done to help around the house, because you had the time and energy to do those things, work outside the home and keep yourself healthy and sane! Now things are different but he obviously hasn't worked that one out yet. Like the others have said, you need to be very upfront in a non-heated moment so that he knows it's not simply a knee-jerk reaction or a bad mood. I still have to keep reminding myself that DH is not a mind reader, even after being together 15 years and having gone through the pg thing only a couple of years ago.

And when all else fails, blame the MIL... it'll make you feel better temporarily and remind you of the way you don't want your baby to grow up if it's a boy! Good luck! Hope it all works out for you.

[carr2walks]

I was just reading through the posts and had to laugh at Kazbah's post with the dog vomit...Bahahaha! I can laugh now because the same thing happened to me last preg. Dog threw up then I did on my hands and knees while I tried to clean it. Needless to say, hubby then had 2 piles to clean while I went outside. I wasn't laughing then though. Hopefully DH is as supportive with this preg!

[turtleschell]

Hey, I think everyone has given great advice, I just wanted to tell you that there is hope, so don't get too down.
When I was pregnant, DP suddenly quit his job and decided he didn't want to work at all, and he played PS3 all day and night while I worked, and I got paid very little, so every cent was precious, we only just made ends meet, and there was certainly no fun nursery preparation for me!
And suddenly he woke up and went back to work and was fantastic from then on.
I think it took him a long time to really get that we were having a baby. I think the change began when my bump became visible, so hang in there, he may just be taking time to adjust. You know.. going backwards before he can go forwards..

[first time and clueless]

Hi,

I am worried that this isn't just an "adjustment" issue. From what you have described it is simply a bad perception by your partner of what a partnership is. Why are you making his lunch as well as cooking, cleaning etc etc.

I don't have children yet, but am the eldest of a big family and i know one thing already - if you dont have help form your partner your child raising will be so much harder and your relationship will most likely consist of many more of the arguments/frustrations that you have already expressed.

You cant and dont have to be everything...he can make his own lunch for starters. There are no excuses for your partner because within 8 months he will be a dad and that is not something that the tv can block out