I pumped from word go as my son had a medical condition.....

But at first you have such a small amount, it is usually hand expressed, and even after b/feeding 4 previous babies, the midwife had to hand express my breasts for me....
So I'm not sure how you will go honey....

All hossies SHOULD be supportive of expressing from word go, if you say thats what you want, then they will accomodate you...

Using a pump is very demanding, and can be quite painful and hard on your breasts and nipples, and the feeling can be very unpleasant, so not sure, again, how you will feel....

I am sory to hear of your past, and how it affects you possably feeding your baby...

But you are doing the best thing by educating yourself, and giving it your all, good luck babe....