Family Complications???

[feeb]

My mum was there for most of the labour, i was induced at 7am and she had to get a bus from country vic so she go to me around 12 noon and had emerg cs at 2132.
She was not in the way she went out for smokes and went and got DH drinks etc

[~Jo~]

Gosh I would have hated my mum to be there. Love presenting bubs to her so much more!!!!

Jo

[Smoke Jaguar]

I think it's a bit odd that your mum had an expectation that she would be there? Don't take this the wrong way, but surely she should be taking your lead on things and supporting your decisions?

I have to chuckle at your blissful naivete! I know mothers who are very un-presumptuous, and I also know of mothers who take offence at being excluded. My own mother did not only take offence, she didn't talk to me for 10 days afterwards (and wouldn't 'give me the satisfaction' of validating my choice by even seeing her grandson in person) because she thought she had some 'right' (that she never discussed with me, incidentally, until after the fact) to be involved...and when pushed about this, couldn't and wouldn't pinpoint just at which stage she thought she should be involved. She had her own adjustments to make and thought that being there would have made all the difference. If we had another kind of relationship, perhaps. Had she even discussed it with me, perhaps. She knew I just wanted DP and I there and she never contested my wishes...just silently seethed about it. Most constructive
Anyway, it boils down to YOU being comfortable with the people there - no better way to slow down labour than to be unsure of whoever's around you. We're mammals and our mammalian brain takes over during labour and birth, seeking security and comfort to birth optimally.
If YOU are comfortable with who's there, that's all that matters, cos chick, this time it is ALL ABOUT YOU. And the 'you' incorporates your child - you are inseparable entities at this time and post-birth. If you want your mother there and your DP doesn't, then the fairest thing is for him to deal with his issues and let that happen. If you don't want her there, then leave instructions with the hospy staff - they'll comply
This time I'm going the homebirth route and thought about involving my mum with DS for a little while. She started quoting AMA and RANZCOG comments from newspapers to me so she was left well off the attendee list! There is no way she's going to be there whilst she's so ready to criticise the way I'm going to give birth. The first time round she kept saying 'I am praying that you don't have too much pain for too long', and when I told her I'd be fine because I'd done my HypnoBirthing and it was likely to be a great birth she said I needed to 'trust in God' instead. I wasn't going to have her vocalising this to me during labour, making it all about her and her wish for my 'salvation', rather than respecting my birth plan. That was a FBC birth, so I don't trust her enough for my current plans! Her reasons for wanting to be there were about HER and she still rejects that DS's birth was when it was allowed to be about ME.
Not one single person has an automatic right to be there at the birth, not even the father. Everyone needs to realise it's a privilege and that there are strings attached!

[ubba82]

DH and I had both our mums there. It was fine, they stayed out of the way - mum took photos of the birth and was extra support to me, and MIL was support to DH. With our 2nd it was just DH and I as it will be with our 3rd.

[lauradacombe]

Wow thanks guys this has been a great help. Alot of what you have all experienced is so similar to my situation. I have an excellent relationship with my mother but this sort of thing my hubby and I think is something we should do together. We decided to try for a baby as a couple, we will be raising the child as a couple so its only right that it starts that way from the beginning I feel.

I have recently (like within the last few hours) actually discussed this and my feelings about it to my Mum and Sister and the outcome wasn't what I expected at all.
She has said she supports me and our decision for our birth plan but backs it up by also saying that 'you shouldn't exclude people then expect them to help after'. Now I have never once asked my Mum for anything during this pregnancy. I have even included her in some doctors and scan visits. I know that ill need some help when Bub arrives and have even told her that, so she knows I want her to be included. I think this comment was very selfish of her because she has a bee in her bonnet still about not being allowed to be in the room.
I'm so close to my due date and this is just wearing me down. I don't want to get to the birth of my first child and have these feelings rushing around in me. I don't know what to do or how to get the message across.

[Fleur]

.....I have recently (like within the last few hours) actually discussed this and my feelings about it to my Mum and Sister and the outcome wasn't what I expected at all.
She has said she supports me and our decision for our birth plan but backs it up by also saying that 'you shouldn't exclude people then expect them to help after'. Now I have never once asked my Mum for anything during this pregnancy. I have even included her in some doctors and scan visits. I know that ill need some help when Bub arrives and have even told her that, so she knows I want her to be included. I think this comment was very selfish of her because she has a bee in her bonnet still about not being allowed to be in the room. .

Oh hun I agree, that is a very selfish thing for her to say, she is making it all about her when really, it is not.

Perhaps you could try (gently) suggesting to her that people shouldn't expect their help to come with strings attached? This is her grandchild, you are her child. Her help and involvement should come because of her love for her family, not because she got her own way re the birth!
I know it doesn't always work like this (not with my mother anyway!) but it doesn't make it right for her to pressure you like that.

Deos she mean that if you won't have her at the birth, then you can expect no help & support after? That is blackmail, and a crummy attitude. I can only hope when you bub arrives she will change her tune.

Do stand your ground though. If this is what you & your DH have decided suits you, then that should be it. It is your child being born & your decision to make, and there will no doubt be more parenting choices you have to make over the years that she or others disagree with. You need to start standing your ground now.

What does your sister think about it all? Can she speak to your mother about it?
I really hope this all works out for you. you certainly don't need the stress at this stage of your PG, you should be relaxing & looking forward to it not stressing about it.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Emotional blackmail! Clear as day, babe - maybe she doesn't even realise she's just used it because her ego is bruised and is colouring her view of the situation? She was starting to sound reasonable until that point! Anyhow, her reasoning is illogical - what prevents her from helping you just because she's not there at the part where grandmothers are biologically non-essential? Nothing except her ego, actually.
It's sad that the only people we should just be able to assume will help can make the birth period so damn difficult! Mate, even if she doesn't help, it will be the people you least 'expect' who will come through for you. I made sure to tell my mum (when she 'allowed' me to talk to her) that my BiL's MiL made us a soup that lasted us days...she had no obligation and ordinarily has very little to do with us!!
I recommend getting in contact with your local ABA group now, too - those chicks work magic when they know you need it
You worry about yourself and your immediate 'nest' - it is NOT your responsiblity, particularly at this stage of pregnancy, to be responsible for other people's feelings when all you have done is worked on welcoming your child into your world in a way consistent with your values. Stay true to yourself, that's the best thing you can do for yourself, your DP and your baby, ok? Birth bullying is not on

[katiej26]

I'm wondering the same thing - I'm at 30 weeks, and i have made the decision to ask my MIL to be there as i get along really really well with her, and feel alot more comfortable around her, especially when i know i will probably say a few choice words - also cause i know that my DH will get support as well. I love my mum, but she frustrates me and is very opinionated about certain things already. I know my MIL will be a great support and give me the strength and help that we will both need during the labour. Like all the other ladies here have said - ultimately its your choice, and you should be free to feel comfortable with that decision. That being said of course i have chickened out and not told mum yet that i have asked MIL to be there, cause i KNOW what her reaction will be like typical.

[Floweryfields]

I think it is a very personal thing. I wouldn't want anyone other than my DH and I there, for me it is a deeply personal and intimate thing between husband and wife. I also feel that it's not something I would want an audience for and also even though my mum and I are very close, it's not something that either of us would want.

[Stevie]

my mother wont be there (nor will his) Tho, DH works away (week on week off) and if bubs comes while he's gone, i will want someone there and my mum is the only other person i would want there. Her or my SIL.
But hopefully bub can hang on for a time when DH is here