family estrangement ruining my enjoyment

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 01:25 PM

thanks Anney

It's just really bugging me today i guess. we've decided HOW to tell family - we're getting a profile pic from NT scan, putting a Santa hat on it, and making that the front of our Christmas cards for everyone, so from that perspective, i'm happy with doing something special. i think that part that is so hard for me is about telling DH's god daughters. DH is devastated that the kids have been used as weapons against him, and i know it hurts him that, even if they're at my bro's now and we're there, they pull away from him. we don't know what has been said (except that we said they couldn't be in our wedding which is a massive lie!), but i know whatever it is, it's making them pull away from him. i want for him to be able to share with his family (well, the kids) the way i will share with mine - but he just can't. i know, for the first time since we've been together, he refuses to let me buy them something for Christmas. so it's obvious it's hurting him. i don't know if we should just give them a card like everyone else, whether just to wait til they find out (which would likely be when they go back to school) or what. it's just too damn hard!

i think i need to stop thinking about it - it's just so hard to do!

**Aimz** · November 1st, 2008, 01:39 PM

It's a tough situation and one that, unfortunately, you have to face sooner or later. I think you will feel better once it is all out in the open, everyone knows and then deal with people's reactions/compaints/pettiness when and if it occurs. You might find that when everyone does know, you will have other people defending you to the people who have chosen to be negative.

We had a falling out with mu uncle when my Pop passed away in 2006. We haven't spoken to him in two years and I always feel horrible about it. He was always such a great uncle and we shared EVERY Christmas together as this big, happy family. But the day of planning my grandfather's funeral he raised a hand to my Mum and then stormed out of the house. I haven't seen him since. I haven't spoken to him since. And I won't because I stand by my Mum.

It's a completely different situation but I completely understand how it feels to be in conflict with family

**anney** · November 1st, 2008, 01:41 PM

Oh, that is really bad that the kids are being used in that way. I am sorry that your DH is getting treated like that. Seems to me though, that treating them the same way as you are treating everyone else is the best thing, so give them a card. Otherwise it may be used against you.

**Indadhanu** · November 1st, 2008, 01:55 PM

BG I'm sorry

I do know what its like being so scared to share the news, its horrible because all you want to do is shout it to everyone but then you worry about people reactions and what they'll do... I can't find the words that I want to write right now, but you know my story and you know that I understand what you're going through, especially being scared of telling them and their using the children against you...

I'm sorry I can't think of what to write, but I'm thinking of you and hope that you and DH can keep focused on your new little family now

**Bumperstump Cummerbund** · November 1st, 2008, 01:47 PM

I have to say, what a crappy situation to be in

Anney's right, which situation is causing you more stress? You're under a lot of stress right now, wondering what kind of scene there will be when you announce it - but at the same time you don't want them to stress you out because they know you're pregnant.

DH and I had a similar situation - although it was our wedding, not me being pg - and I got so tired and stressed out trying to please everyone that I ended up just doing whatever WE wanted, and stuffing the rest!! At the end of the day, if your extended family is going to be unsupportive, they'll do it whether they find out now or at Christmas. The only difference if you tell them now will be, you don't have to stress about it any more!

I know it is easier to type than do

but you might have to just distance yourself. You have your DH and a Gremlin on the way - you don't have time to worry about others hangups. It sounds like you guys have done MORE than your fair share of trying to fix this thing, its time to just let it go.

Sending SO many congratulations to you on the Gremlin - and don't forget you have a huge, supportive, and a little bit nutty family here on BB

**briggsy's girl** · November 1st, 2008, 01:54 PM

"LITTLE bit nutty???"

more like insane (and i'd not have it any other way!)

i think you're right in that we'll let the girls know the same as everyone else. given that we'll be telling my Aunt on Christmas Day (she has an intellectual disability, so i need to wait until i can manage her enthusiastic calls EVERY day!), our plan is to post our Christmas cards on Christmas eve so that they arrive for the extended family soon after Christmas. i'm thinking the easiest thing for DH's god daughters will be to post their cards at the same time - and then leave it up to them to contact DH to talk about it when (if) their parents let them

i'm standing by the notion that they will only be allowed out here when we are ready for them - and when DH can pick them up and take them home. their parents have not been welcome on the property since nephew took a swing at DH and the police had to be called. if they turn up, the local copper lives next door, so he'll be summoned and they'll be charged with trespass. we won't tell them which hospital we're at, so they wont be able to turn up there either!