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Thread: favouring mothers over MIL's

  1. #1

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    Default favouring mothers over MIL's

    OK, i had a really long post but i lost it because my connection failed - so now i'll just summarise. basically my MIL gets very jealous about my relationship with my mother and my natural inclination to include her in things i would not want my MIL there for. now my MIL has 6 kids of her own, 3 of which are daughters and extremely close to her; so it is not like she doesn't have people who treat her like the centre of their universe (they really do). but she seems to expect me to treat her that way as well, and takes it as a personal attack that i might do things the way my mother did or would wish for my mothers support throughout pregnancy, birth, and most likely, even parenthood, from my own mum rather then her. i get along with my MIL, but we hold really different morals, ethics and world veiws - which mean we will never be as close as she seems to think we should be.



    MIL took it very personally that i don't want her there at the birth, and was only placated after we told her my mother wouldn't be there either. if it were possible for my mother to attend however, is it so wrong that i should want her there and still not want my MIL?

    anyway my question is, is it really so bad or unnatural if i do favour my own mother over that of my MIL? or should i be trying to include my MIL more, even if i really don't feel any desire too?

    sorry, i was going to keep this post short - i hope it makes sense.

  2. #2

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    hi misty!

    You are not wrong for feeling this way
    i'm still TTC #1 but i have the same problem with my MIL- she gets offended and stuff easily- BAsically the way i feel is i already have one mother adn that conne tion with her is stronger thatn any other with my MIL.

    My MIL offers to look after me when i'm sick bring food etc- but i don't really like her food and she can be a bit smothering

    so IKWYM! I want my mum and definalyt not my MIL at the birth of my child!!

  3. #3

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    bloody MILs!!! They're a bunch of trouble makers 8-) . I think its perfectly natural to prefer your own mother over someone else's mother. Ask your MIL how she would feel if her daughters didn't prefer her over thier MILs. She would probably have a heart attack at the very idea. Or if she liked her mother better than her MIL.
    I would never have had my MIL at my birth but I might have asked my Mum (except that when she was my sister's support person she was so interested in the birthing process and all the machines/equipment that she kept forgetting to support my sister).

  4. #4
    kirsty Guest

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    I am sorry that you are going through this atm.

    I must be the odd one out coz my MIL is a gem. In the 10yrs that I've been with my DH we haven't had one cross word or moment.

    However with that said I don't think I would want her at my baby's birth. Actually we offered once when I was pg with James & she declined saying she didn't think she would be able to cope with seeing me in pain. My mum on the other hand is down as coming in with us when this bubs is born. She was there for me when I had to deliver my 2nd son at 18w5d & there is no way I could have done it without her.

    I think it is a personal choice & if I'm totally honest I think I would probably always choose my mum over my MIL, even though me & MIL get along really well.

  5. #5

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    Lol! My MIL is wonderful too. She and I aren't bosom buddies, in fact she's not interfering at all, and that's exactly why she's the best MIL a girl could have!

    love
    sushee

  6. #6

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    Hey Misty

    Funny you mention MIL's....

    Mine hinted that she'd like to come in and see the birth of her grand child - i pretty much finished that thought for her immediately.

    I explained to her - that although i cherish our relationship and am very thankful for her being my MIL that I would just not feel comfortable with her gazing at my "fanny" - I also explained to her that she has 2 lovely daughters that although still single they will one day being having their own children and that I think that she should hold this special moment for one of them....besides I also mentioned that DH and I only want us 2 in there - not even my mum

    i think it is odd that MIL's assume that you will have the special bond with them the way you would your own mum

    I wonder if they were that close with their MIL's??

    anyway - hope this helps

    dianna

  7. #7

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    well it's nice to know other understand how i feel. my MIL is a nice woman, she just expects to be way more involved then i am willing. whenever i have to describe her, i tell people she is a clone of 'maree' off 'everybody loves raymond'. she is really good at guilting people into doing things they don't want to. i guess it just gets to me because i don't like feeling pressured by ANYONE (it usually causes me to do the opposite) and i don't feel like i should have to explain myself about anything - yet for some reason i always find myself justifying my position with her. of course i'm sure all these pregnancy hormones are making me more touchy then i would be normally anyway.

    luckily my SIL has just told everyone that she is pregnant with her third child - so hopefully this will give my MIL someone else to focus on, someone who will actually appreciate the attention. \/

  8. #8
    Bec Guest

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    I would think it would be normal to favour your own mother over your mil.

    I get along with mine and she has been great since I have been preggers, she is always buying the baby stuff and making stuff for it.

    But if she ever wanted to be in the room whilst i am giving birth well that is something just not right lol we have had a few run ins over the years with a few issues I have had like they dont call they just drop in when they feel like it, and that is my pet hate people not calling and giving us notice that they are coming to visit.

    Bec

  9. #9

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    OMG you have a Marie too

    I get from my MIL, "Alexznader looks a bit cold", "Have you checked that his bottle's not too hot", "Baked beans for dinner again?" "Oh, he's not having a bath before bed tonight?" "Give granny that dummy you don't need one of those do you?" etc etc

    It drives me mental. There is no way I would want her to be there for the birth of any of my babies. EVER. She only has 2 sons, so I think she will just miss out on seeing someone give birth. But really it's not my job (or yours) to fulfill that wish.

    As for your questions, no way is it bad or unnatural to favour your own mother. If you don't want MIL more involved, don't involve her. We organised to see my PIL each Thursday night (tonight ) so they can get to know their grandson, but other than that we don't see them too often.

  10. #10

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    OMG- sarah

    that is :fuming: bad bad bad- seriuosly how do you cope with that????

  11. #11

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    I try to block her out! Fine in the beginning she was "trying to help" because we were 1st time parents but now - HELLO, we've been doing this for 9.5months, we do have some idea what we're doing! Usually I just deal with it & not say anything, but on the way home it's a different story

    FIL is worse - he's trying to teach Zander how to say Sigi (MIL is Sigrid) rather than Granny :fuming: But at least he is calling him by the right name now!

  12. #12

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    :feelsick: that's how i feel- caue i know that my MIL is going to be the same- when wer were planing our wedding i didn't go to her house at all- cause i knew she would say things like that about our wedding :feelsick:

    Misty- i feel so bad for you MIl take everyhting personally blah

  13. #13

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    Misty your MIL just has to get over herself and get a life. Really I am sick of in laws and families getting jealous of each other or in some cases forgetting that the other exists.

    Where in any of our wedding vows did we say "I forsake my blood family in favour of my in laws, I will love my MIL more than I ever loved my own mother, and for all parenting advice I will only speak to my MIL and follow all her suggestions as if they were passed down by God!"

    My MIL is a bit like Sarah's and only has 2 sons, so in her eyes I am her daughter. I really don't want that, I never asked for it. I have enough issues with my own mother, I don't need another one (my own mother for all her problems has no problem with my parenting choices). So she gets upset when she does something that is well meaning and motherly and I don't appreciate or in the worst case, wish she had not done it.

    Sorry for the post, but MIL will be here in 2 hours and 40 minutes and counting.......

  14. #14

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    It's funny, but I know my MIL feels a little neglected sometimes coz my mother's just is so time-consuming, and as a result we see my mum more, but my MIL never complains. This is why I, in contrast, want my MIL to be more involved with this bub than my mother is. My mum has 6 granchildren (i'm now carrying no 7) and my MIL has 2 who were born in Scotland and who she has seen 3 times in their lives. The two in Scotland live in a tiny town where their paternal grandmother lives so that grandma hogs the kids when my MIL visits anyway.

    The idea of the baby coming has brought a whole new brightness to my MIL's life, and she talks constantly about reading to the bub, teaching bub about all the things she loves and spending time with him/her. For my mum, this baby is only 1 of her several grandchildren, and trust me, my kids are not her favoured grandkids by any stretch of the imagination, so why shouldn't my MIL have more contact with this baby, when she obviously loves it so much already.

    And I think that's the key isn't it? It's about the letting the grandparents choose how much constructive (and I say constructive as compared to your nightmare MILs, misty and Sarah) time they're wiling to spend with the child. And if the other grandparent cannot understand that their 'destructive' input isn't wanted (in my case, my mum's input) then I say, too bad!

    love
    sushee

  15. #15

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    LOL Dach @ MILs being trouble makers. In my case more a pain in the butt and a stupid old cow. (oops sorry insulting cows 8-[ )

    Anyway, Misty you are definitley not wrong feeling this way. Of course you would favour your own mum over your MIL. She is your mother, she brought you up from a baby and you have that special bond with her and that will never change.

    Your MIL should realise this and as Dach has said ask her how she would feel if her daughters prefered thier MIL over her!!

    You shouldn't be feeling pressured by anyone little alone your MIL and if you don't want her at the birth or choose to include her in every thing well tuff luck to her!! Its your life your choice how you want to live it, who you want at the birth etc...

    Hopefully now your SIL is pg she will leave you alone a bit and concentrate on her own daughter's pregnancy.

    Good luck.

  16. #16

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    I dunno, I think this is a hard one for me. I Especially feel for MIL's that only have boys, they are probably very sad that they won't have that connection with any of their grandkids mothers iykwim? I dread that actually how my future (if we have one LOL) DIL accepts me vs. how Paris will. I know sooooooo many people (older) who find it so hard as MIL's to DIL's because the DIL's already have a mother, they don't "need" them and often the DIL's do tend to allow their own mother precedence over the grandchildren.

    My mother isn't in the picture, thank god. Nor would she ever be, so that's not really a good example. But I think if she were I would want to create a relationship with both grandmothers so that neither of them felt hard done by. BUT having said that, I'd also take into consideration the relationship I had with MIL, how interfering they were etc but I'd treat my mother no different either (I'm probably harder on family relationships and put up with less than I do from friends LOL). And I think no matter the biological relationship interfering is interfering, and of course there are *some* things that one would only feel comfortable doing with ones own mother. So I'd be more consumed with wanting MIL to have a consistent relationship with the grandchildren, because she is my husbands mother. BUT as I said not if she were a control freakish type person, who disregarded everything I said, and sulked and compared every little thing I did with my own mother. That would drive me nuts. I am very lucky, my MIL & I get along well. We have had our differences, and I did refuse to talk to her for about 2 yrs or so. I am very particular about setting boundaries But we have since worked that out and we are quite close again. She listens to me now, and I think I understand her more. If there is a problem I don't question her genuinity and she doesn't question my ability.

    Families are hard, and I imagine as DIL's we aren't a walk in the park either. The most important thing to do I think is to respect them, and try and assure them we aren't trying to make their life difficult. Communication is important, but at the same time don't set yourself up to be treated a certain way. If you don't like something set the boundaries, and set them firm, and if they don't listen then MAKE them listen. At the end of the day the most important family unit is the one you have with your husband and your children, everyone else comes second and if they can't understand or respect that then a good reality check is in order But try and remember they are human too LOL!

    *mwa*
    Cailin

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