Gender disappointment - WDYT?

[Fleur]

I definitely wanted to find out, I wanted time to prepare myself and I wanted the birth to be all about joy. I didn't want it tinged witheven the slightest disappointment regarding gender. I knew we would love any baby and figured if we already knew, then gender would not be an issue by the time bub arrived.

Someone else made a good point, about looking at baby gear when you are pregnant. I think if you have a wish for one gender more than another, it is easy to get drawn in to all the 'stuff' out there and picture your baby a certain way (in my case, in pretty pink dresses). If you already know that 's not the reality it gives you time to adjust.

Thanks ladies, it's actually hubby, not me. I know how desperately he would love a boy and we are undecided as to whether we will have a third child so I'd love him to get his boy. Females run in his family quite heavily (he is the youngest after 6 girls, with three living sisters and he has 4 aunties, no uncles on either side).

I am concerned if we find out at the scan, he will show litte interest in the rest of the pregnancy whereas if we wait, I know he will fall in love with the baby regardless of sex. I really think we're having another girl (which I'm excited about, DD will love a sister!)

This, I don't know about. I understand your concern and I would be worried that if you are right & his interest in the pregnancy drops off, you are going to suffer for it (coming from someone who had an uninterested partner a couple of itmes - it hurts.) If it were for yourself, I would say find out. For him, I am not so sure.

[Trillian]

If you feel knowing the gender would make your DH disconnect from you and the pg, then I wouldn't find out. I've been through a pg where my DH had absolutely zero interest in the pregnancy right up until the last few weeks and it hurts like you would not believe - our first pg was a surprise just after we got married and DH was not prepared for that at all as he wanted to wait a while to have a baby and when he found out I was pg he completely withdrew from me. Experiencing all the happiness and special moments that being pg brings was really hard because I had no one to share in that with me. And you really notice the lack of support as well and I think you being supported during the pg is more important at this point in time. But I think you really need to talk to him about the way he feels and find out exactly what issues he has so you can work on them because it may not change after you have the baby either.

[Ashlee]

I have a DS and a DSD, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to birth a baby girl of my own, so I will be finding out so I can adjust and accept a boy if that's what we've got. I know my sister, Kylz, was so upset when she found out her DS was a boy, but now I can't imagine him being anything else, and either can she!

DP is hell bent it's a boy, I'm pretty certain it's a girl (totally different pregnancies so far!). DP wants to leave it a suprise, but I just can't. This is my last pregnancy and I wouldn't want the "dissappointment" to happen in the delivery room, I'd rather have 20 weeks to get used to either sex.

[kelsbels]

I haven't spoken to hubby about this. He wouldn't in a million years admit he'd be disappointed with another girl, and perhaps I am not giving him enough credit, perhaps underestimating him. He's an amazing father and absolutely adores our daughter. That's why I think if we wait until it's born, any disappointment will be short-lived as I'm sure he'll fall in love with another girl if that's how it works out.

Thanks for your help, really appreciate it ladies x

[~ Mylitta ~]

It helped me when we found out DS. Hubby and I already have his two son's from a previous marriage that live with us, so we tried to gender sway for a girl. We found out the gender at the 19 week scan because I was terrified that if we waited until bub was born and it was a boy, that my first thought about my newborn baby would be "oh, but we hoped for a girl". I didn't want to feel anything negative towards my baby. So we found out he was a boy. My first thought was a happy "oh my gosh we're having a son", but I'll admit that for maybe half an hour after that I was a little sad that we weren't having a girl. I knew I wanted to parent both a girl and a boy, and hubby was definitely only going to have two babies with me (yes, I'm pregnant with a VERY surprise bub, haha), so I was terrified that with the first being a boy, and DH already having two, that our next would also be a boy. I then got used to the idea and very quickly became super excited about having a son. I could then buy all the gorgeous little boy clothes, and plan his "going home" outfit and all that fun stuff.

We now have a baby girl too, but we went through quite a bit to get her. I'm now pregnant with our "Baby Boo" and this time I want the surprise "It's a ....!" moment after the birth. Hubby wasn't hoping too well with the thought of yet another baby, so his way of getting excited was to find out the sex at our 12 week scan. He now knows the gender with 80% certainty and he has to keep that a secret, lol. It's amazing how knowing the gender can help with coping under certain circumstances. I think for hubby it's brought him emotionally closer to the baby and made things more "real" for him.

[Stevie]

With our DD my DH was convinced we were having a boy.. we decided to find out.. we did and she was a girl.. he was dissappointed, i know he was but it only took him about a week to get used to the idea and now he only wants girls..
hence why with number 2 we will be finding out too..
In regards to MY reasons of wanting to find out, iknow id bond better with my baby knowing what she was. As soon as i knew i called her she and her.. id ask her what names she liked and id test it on her a few times (sounds rediculus i know lol)
With baby #2.. (if there ever is one ) we will be finding out because i want another girl(i really want my DD to have a sister so when they grow up together they *might* be good for eachother like me and my sister are) ill be ok with a boy obviously, but id need time to come to terms with it.

[Glamourcide]

I needed to know. I wasn't concerned at all about what our first was, as we always planned a second, and it was supposed to be a pigeon pair - but I needed to know with DD1 so I could think about names, buy pink or blue baby gear, plan a nursery etc etc... I really wasn't fussed, just wanted to know beforehand so I could prepare, I would hate to have to buy unisex or nothing and then go nuts with shopping and preparations while recovering from birth!

With our second... I NEEDED to know. I had to find out so I could put myself out of my misery - it was SUPPOSED to be a boy but I couldn't keep my hopes up only to have them dashed. And sure enough, at the 20-week scan, DH and I both saw it was a girl before the sonographer even opened her mouth - I burst into tears and DH was devastated. Strangely enough, he recovered from the shock within a week or two and was okay with what we'd been given, I on the other hand needed a good 10-12 weeks after the scan to adjust, come to terms with it and learn to love our second little girl. I could not have gone into the labour ward hoping to have a boy and then been handed a girl.... it would have killed me. I wouldn't have bonded, breastfeeding would have failed, I would have rejected that baby and had a terrible relationship with it, had I left it until birth to find out. I needed so much time to accept it, it had to be done before baby arrived, and I'm very glad that I did find out at 20 weeks because it gave me lots of time to adjust.
I don't expect people who haven't suffered gender disappointment to understand that (and that's why we have a PSG for it), but that's the way I felt it. I can't speak for what I would do if my DH were the one concerned about gender - he wanted a boy but really wasn't fussed either way, as long as s/he was healthy, it was *me* losing sleep and having wild fantasies about terminating and 'trying again' when I found out I wasn't getting a boy.

No matter what happens, your DP will love this child and be a great dad, but in my experience it's better to find out at 20 weeks and use the remaining 20 weeks to get into a better headspace, than to give birth, be unpleasantly surprised and then have to cope with a newborn as well as grappling with disappointment, resentment, anger etc. Good luck.

[megs]

Glamourcide is correct, it is a hard path when you know that there is a chance of gender dissapointment. I didn't find out with my first 2 pregnancies as I knew I would have a 3rd (and hopefully 4th) found out with my 3rd hoping like crazy I would be having my girl, seems to happen to everyone else. Wasn't too be, I was devasted, cried for a week, lived in hope that the sonographer was wrong so much so that I had to have a 3d scan just too stop myself fantasing that it could still be a girl.

This time around I also found out, and it is another little boy, I have handled this one better as I know how much I love my 3rd son and couldn't imagine our lives without him so I know that it will be the same with this little man and I'm slowly letting go of my dreams of my life with a daughter and my dreams are now replaced with being the Mum to 4 boys. We have chosen not to tell people what we are having so I get comments daily about it being a girl, people assume we are only having this baby for the girl but I always wanted 4 children, just pictured both sexes in amongst it.

I'm not sure what is right for you to do, if you really are not bothered about what the sex is and your DH isn't pressing to find out the gender at the scan I'd say wait for the surprise. I must say I do prefer the surprise at birth I just didn't have the courage to do it for my last 2 babies cos I knew my dissapointment would tarnish that special moment.

[LuluHB]

I found out, although my story is a little different. I definitely wanted a boy second time around but more than that I just didn't want to be pregnant. My DD1 was only 3 months old, we had had a really rocky start and I just wasn't ready. Finding out helped me adjust to the disappointment of having another girl, and also shop specifically for her so that I could try to get excited by her existence.

This time round I won't be finding out. I couldn't care less what sex this baby is - just thrilled if we're blessed with a beautiful healthy baby.

[BellyBelly]

Gender Disappointment: Feeling Disappointed About The Gender of Your Baby
Gender Dilemmas - Wanting a Boy - or a Girl

[Butterfly Dawn]

I was so scared of having another boy, 3 full on boys would have tipped me over I think. DD was a gift we didnt expect and I suspected early on it was a girl because she was so different to my other 2 pregnancies. Here they arent allowed to tell you what the sex is, but they ladies at US gave our boys hints about it being different this time etc. I would have loved my baby no matter what, but we are so very happy it is a girl.
On another note- we went out to dinner afew nights ago and the young waitress asked if we had had our 2 sons to get a daughter- her parents had had 7 girls before they got the son they wanted- giving away 3 of their girls along the way.
Gender disappointment is common here. I know girls who were ignored by their grandparents or parents because they are girl. I know of babys being aborted at 5 months because they are not boys. Childrens welfare homes are full of little girls.
I can see both sides and understand them.

[NaeNae]

I have had 3 scans and all three times I have walked out and cried because all 3 times the scan revealed we were having girls. I feel quite alone in my disappointment, DH doesn't care what we have in fact he doesn't take an interest in pregnancy at all, I'd be lucky if he even touched the bump without my nagging.

He is great once the baby is out but while its in ....... nup no interest.

This will probably be our last baby, and its taken some time to "get over" the never having a boy, its all I wanted really. I am glad I found out early so then it gives me a chance to get use to the idea of another girl.

Nae x