I just know I don't have the strength to birth a child, hold my baby and walk away empty handed.
How do you know? How does anyone know until that's what happens? Who says it's strength that keeps you going anyway?

Btw, I'm not having a go, I'm just in a very bad space atm and the whole "strength" thing gets to me. Like I must be strong to survive this. Normal women wouldnt. Therefore I mustn't be normal or something. Maybe I dont love my babies enough or why else can I get up each day and keep going. I've had people say to my face, I couldnt survive what you've been through. Why not? How do they know? What makes me so frigging special that I have to be "strong"? Is that why my babies died? Because I'm strong and therefore can cope better than a "weaker" woman?

What if I'm not strong enough today? Surely I should be "better" by now. If I'm not strong enough there must be something wrong with me. Please be strong and hide the pain, we dont want to see it, hear it. Be strong because we feel helpless.

It's not like any of us whose children die are given a choice when it comes to surviving. Or at least not a choice I'm prepared to take.

The love and pride of those beautiful babies sustain me when I have no strength left. Friends and family prop me up when I can't stand. Hope and love keep me going when I'd rather just stop breathing. The pain never, ever ends.

Neither does the love and that's what I'm desperately clinging to. Is that strength? Or just sheer bloody mindedness that this will not break me, no matter how brittle I feel?What happens if I do break? Is that because I'm not strong enough?

Sorry for the OTT rant. The whole idea just really gets to me.