Pregnant and anxiety disorder is rearing it's head

[Meggles]

Hey Guys

I'm feeling really anxious about being pregnant (thanks depression and anxiety disorder.)

What if after all the trying I'm really not ready? What if I can't handle giving up all of my time and energy for a baby. This is forever, not just when they're a baby.. Forever. 24/7.

I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this.

I have a history of depression and generalised anxiety disorder. When the anxiety hits me bad, it messes me up BIG time. For those who've never experienced anxiety it's the most frightening thing in the world. The rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts, but I'll be damned if it's not utterly terrifying.

I've been on antidepressants forever. They worked great until a couple of years ago when I got really sick with anxiety for like a month or two - really really bad. The doctor upped my dose and I was fine again. I've had the odd moment of anxiety but have been able to talk myself through it.

But I guess the pregnancy hormones are ****ing with me.


A bit of history if you can be bothered reading it:

The breakdown a few years ago that I mentioned, was big. I was sobbing and screaming hysterically in bed most days, crying all day, just freaking the **** out. As I said before, the worst bit about anxiety is that the intelligent rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts and that people get through it all the time, but ****kkkk it's the most terrifying thing.

I wasn't afraid of anything in particular - just OF the actual anxiety. Afraid that it wasn't going to go away, that I'd be like this every day, that I'd eventually have to die to make it stop (wasn't suicidal - didn't WANT to die, just thought this was the only way). It's such a vicious circle - you're afraid of being anxious any more, so you become more anxious and it keeps on going.

I went to hospital a couple of times, and was almost hoping to be admitted to the psych ward just so I could be somewhere safe where they knew how to help. It was by far one of the scariest times of my life.


So yesterday when it kicked in, I was like "oh no, not at again, I can't do this again" .. but by afternoon I'd settled down a lot. Still a bit on edge, but not freaking out or anything. And now (tis the next morning here) I'm again a bit on edge but not freaking out. Part of me is kind of proud of myself for getting through it and being okay, but the other part wonders if that's true or if it's just settled for the moment and is going to come back full force.

All I've ever wanted was a baby and to be a Mum. I have heaps of experience with babies and kids, and helped to raise my now 12 year old brother, so I'm not in the dark at all in regards to the work involved.

But this is the first time it's frightened me. It's FOREVER. It's so full on. Once my husband goes back to work after the first few weeks I'll be at home all day with the baby. What if I get PPD? What if I get the anxiety and can't cope?

I don't want to be someone who runs out on my family and my baby, or who ends up stuck in bed freaking out all day or hospitalised while he's at home looking after the baby along.

I went to the GP yesterday and he gave me a referral to the mental health people at the ED so I can get some help straight away, rather than waiting a couple of weeks for a private psych appt. But I'm not in the midst of the bad anxiety right now so I feel stupid going. But then if it kicks in tomorrow, when I don't have the day off work... blah. I don't know.

Argh. **** this.

I've been okay for a while, I'm SO so so afraid it's not going to go away again. I can't feel like this every day, I just can't.

I'm so afraid. What if it doesn't go away when I have the baby, or it comes back full force? What if I can't cope or look after the baby or I don't want the baby, or I freak out and run away or lose the plot and end up hospitalised or something.

Oh jesus, I can't handle this.

[luna moth]

Congrats on this pregnancy.

I remember being where you are. I still remember thinking "oh, god, can't do this" before every appointment, and nearly vomiting before the dating scan because I just couldn't face the prospect of everything not being OK. And even when everything was, it didn't go away, which surprised me. I had huge troubles with every blood test because of that same feeling. It affected me physically. Honestly, all it took for me was to know that someone else had been there and come out OK, and that seemed to work, better than any other statistic, or test, or reassurance from anyone. But that mightn't work for you.

Don't feel dumb about going to see anyone, regardless of what state you're in at the time. Seing someone when you're well is actually a great idea, because you can get some strategies to help you cope if you do start to slide. Also, there may be a program in your hospital or area specifically for ANDA, or someone in your position.

This is not time to be shy about using the resources available to you. Take a deep breath, and take that step. Thinking of you!

[*Sparklez*]

hun, u are in a very difficult place right now and i understand completely i was diagnosed with bipolar just over 10 months ago and it was ruining my life n my marriage... im not on meds now cause for once im in a good place in my life and also due to being preg,,
Hun when u are pregnant, it is soooooooooooo natural to have feelings of underestimating urself and the doubts of being a parent i honeslty think u are never ready to have a baby if u have never had one but it is the most natural force that can take over u...
U have to breathe in and look at everything and evaluate what is the main priorities and what u need to do first and to ME u need to get urself in that GOOD place... the hosp will help u out with counselling n dr's to help u cope with these feelings...
U dont have to do it alone and hun, if u ever ever need anyone to talk to PM me or even post on here...xoxoxox remember just breathe.. ur baby is the most precious gift u will ever get n u will be a great mum

[Meggles]

Hey guys

Thanks for the replies. I went to the ED today and saw the psych. Talked a little bit and he thinks I'm gonna be just fine.

I'm going to organise some regular counselling, like weekly or something, to get some steps in place to cope if the anxiety comes back.

I'm going to be okay.

[*Sparklez*]

meggles of course u are.. n ur going to be a great mother too!!!

its good to take control early that way it doesnt slip through the cracks without u noticing before its too late... u sound like a strong woman i know u will be ok
just remember u ever doubt urself, feel down, or just need to scream or cry or laugh jump on n u will have an ear n a shoulder to lean on!!! ur never alone!! xoxx


THANKS BB

[sasha]

I haven't had anxiety but have a close friend who has. He said it's terrifying, I can only imagine.

What I wanted to say was: even 'normal' pregnant women often feel that they cannot cope. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not?!! So definitely talk to the counsellor, because having someone else go through your feelings with you helps you get perspective on them, and as you say, the coping mechanisms for if the anxiety comes back would be very helpful.

Just know that everyone feels this way at some point - not to diminish the anxiety, at all, just I mean, we all get overwhelmed and feel like we won't be able to do it. I bet all of the parents you've met (even your own) have had moments where they wonder what they got themselves into.* You will be able to do it. Luckily, as they grow, so do you. You learn on the way, by doing it, and you get better at it. It's tiring to start with, but you'll find ways that work for you to cope.

You can really do this. If it helps, the fact that you're so aware of your emotions and feelings and are taking steps to do something to help yourself gave me the impression of a very strong and empowered woman.

Good luck


*a few hours after T was born, I remember sitting in a quiet room in the birth centre with M lying next to me sleeping, and her lying in her cot sleeping, and thinking, "What the hell am I doing? I can't even cope with one!!!"

[Meggles]

****. this. ****.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away

[Maruschke]

****. this. ****.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away

is there anyone you can call for a chat? Thinking of you...

[Persephone1]

Hi Meggles, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I suffered with Antenatal Depression and Anxiety and was a bit of a mess during the first trimester. I was lucky enough to see a great psychologist but it took a lot of work to start to feel positive about the pregnancy and impending motherhood. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, unfortunately anxiety is experienced by so many people, but there is help.

Besides seeing the psychologist, perhaps you could talk to someone over the phone? The Post and Antenatal Depression Association (PANDA) has some good resources - just google them and you'll find them. You WILL get better, you're doing all the right things to move forward. Anxiety is a b!tch! But I can say that, for me, it's not a life sentence, and I'm doing much better since my counseling during the pregnancy.

Good luck hun.