Anyone had marital issues after LTTTC & pregnancy?

[Nr3 on the way]

Wow so glad i came across this discussion. It took us 3 years to have our first child - we did not go the IVF route - think a bit in denial but also we wanted a baby but also did not want to feel the pressure of constantly trying to conceive. It was intensely private to us both and family remarks on when is it going to happen did not help until we spilled the beans that we are actually trying and them backing off would be appreciated.

Well we fell pregnant and it was great excitement - leading up to confusion and stress - i had bleeding at 9 weeks and also 20 weeks and ended in a C-section due to Pre-eclampsia.

So during pregnancy - sex life was not that great and having waited for so long it felt like a huge stress and us almost drifting apart - our baby arrived - thought things will get better but it stayed the same - then one day tried to confront my husband thought the fact that i'm breastfeeding might be the problem, my extra weight - but he did not know how to talk to me about his feelings and it all came down to him worried that he will hurt me and that he was not sure if i was ready for intimacy - COMMUNICATION IS ALL WE NEEDED - i think having waited for so long for a baby and then trying to adjust to being a mom, just finding your feet and do what should be natural to you but don't is a huge adjustment. Then still being a wife and lover you some how loose a bit of your own identity - not knowing who am i. Instead of talking we some how try to think what the other one is thinking.

I must admit we went through a pretty ruff time and even thought of ending our relationship - but things work out for the better by just talking being more open with one another - and I'm happy to say now that we are going strong - stronger than ever before and having baby nr 3 after 9 years of no contraception.

Im glad that there are other ladies going through the same scenario and truly believe being open with each other can only be good - for me i was so worried about the baby the pregnancy ext and we forget that maybe the men (daddies to be) are having more issues than us. They have us there wife/partner and unborn baby to worry about.

Wish you all the best and happy loving relationships

[numa]

I have only just checked this thread again, and it was great to read some new posts. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to share your thoughts - I wish I could thank you all personally but my short term memory is not that good!

This has been a big thing for us to cope with, as the actual crux of the matter is that he had joined up to at least one internet dating site (and not just dating on this site). At first he told a story that is was a mistake and he was looking at travel deals, but eventually the truth came out (after a few weeks and lots more drama) - mainly because I just knew it wasn't true. The reason he joined, he said, was just to look.

So I can understand that naughty part of him looking for an outlet while our passionate sex life had ground to a halt becasue we were focusing so hard on trying to get pregnant. Also I was going through a very sad time with my dad dying of cancer, and my best friend of 8 years deciding she couldn't be my friend anymore. Things were pretty heavy there for a while.

But the real damage is the lies, the fact that he didn't come clean when I first saw the payment on a statement. The dangerous lies, that may seem quite small to the liar, can be absolutely devastating to the lied to - how do I know what is true anymore? How do I know for sure if he did or did not sleep with someone else?

And another part of me feels humiliated and ashamed that my DH would do this - the man I love and want to trust and respect. Do I actually know him?

But we are talking, and things have improved since he told me the *truth* - at least an explanation that fits, that I can get my head around, even if I don't like it. I'm relieved that he told me as much as he has, and I've told him so. At times he has been angry and hysterical, at the moment he is very apologetic and remorseful.

I hope for a happy ending to this story. He has agreed to also seek counselling and I start mine next week - maybe at some point we'll do couples counselling as well (but I need to start on my own).

In the meantime I'll keep rubbing my belly and loving our growing baby, and trying to focus on all the good things in my life.

[Mumma&Bubba(s)]

Hi Numa,
Sorry to hear about your marital problems.
After our son was born my husband lost a lot of his libido and wasn't terribly interested in intimacy for a while, whereas I was more "up for it" after the birth! (Go figure). It took some time but he got his drive and desire back, we put it down to hormones (sometimes women are the ones with the problem after a child is born and during pregnancy), apparently it's not rare for it to occur in males too. I know your husband was looking "elsewhere" but a fear of hurting the baby is common too, if anything I think (and hope) things will improve for you after your little one is born as that fear will be no longer an issue. I genuinely hope things work out for your family, communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, as long as you're both open and honest with eachother from now on you should be a very happy bunch
xx

[Mumma&Bubba(s)]

Good luck

[nic]

The first trimester was a no go for us, I had no desire, and I think DH was too freaked out to do anything either, plus there was the pessaries...and don't they just make ya feel sexy!
By the time 2nd trimester rocked around, we both felt a bit better about it, but the last trimester DH absolutely freaked out about DTD and bringing labour on. When we arrived for our scheduled c/s and found that i was already 8cm dilated...well.. you could see that DH just wanted to scream out loud - AND THIS IS WHY I WAS AFRAID TO DO IT!

I still have a bit of a dig at him about it now, and he still gets upset about it, what if we had DTD? he says. "DS might have ended up here a whole lot earlier than planned"

I can only imagine what it feels like to find out that your husband has joined a site and lied about it. I think after the emotional IVF/AC rollercoaster we ride on, that when we get off (at station pregnancy and station baby) we realise that honesty was such a big part of it all, and if it doesn't continue afterwards, then it's another shock, and yet something else we have to deal with.

I hope all works out

Nic

[~Aveta~]

i do understand where you are coming from. my DF joined a sex personals site the week i miscarried the first time..and it has taken months of fear, blame, accusations, and worse to come back to the pont where we are together. i may say more later, atm i'm wanted elsewhere, but i can only agree that communication, as calmly as possible (not that it is easy, at all!!!) is the only way thru this minefield. i wish you all the best