Anyone had marital issues after LTTTC & pregnancy?

[numa]

DH and I have been having a tough week with sex related aspects of our relationship . Its come out that he's been looking at stuff on the internet, which has made me feel quite anxious. Amidst a drama and tears he told me how our infertility affected him sexually - I think he sees me as more mother than lover now. I can't help worrying that it could get even worse after the baby arrives. Even now he's hesitant to have sex as he's worried he'll hurt the baby or something will happen. I'm not at all used to him not wanting me as he had a very big drive when we were first together, and I'm worried that if he doesn't desire me anymore he'll need to find it somewhere else.

We are such good partners in so many ways and I thought everything was going great. He said he didn't want to hurt me by telling me how he was feeling, but it hurts me more that he didn't share with me so there was this sneaky element. My father was unfaithful to my mum and they split up when I was 7, so I don't have a very good father role model in that way. I would be so devastated if that happened in our relationship - I guess anyone would be.

I know every individual and couple is different, but I guess there are also some common worries and issues that surface for people in our situation.

Has anyone been through this? How was your relationship during pregnancy and after the baby?

[Jakabella]

Numa,
Im sorry that you are going through this. I haave not been in your exact boat but we are simular.
I suffered a MC first time preg so with this preg I have not even wanted to have sex at all in fear that something would happen. I have explained this many times to my DH and he is very ver very understanding. I know he looks at porn on the computer and I am fine with that, what I was getting worried about was that he would start to look to other woman for sex. We talked about this in depth and he has assured me that he made his commitment to me and he unserdands why I dont want to have sex at the moment (tho warming up to the idea of late)
My advice is to be as open and honest with each other and always keep the lne of comunication open.
I wish you all the best and hope it all works out ok.

Kate

[mummy_of_3_boys]

Have you watched the movie 'Maybe Baby' ? It's about a couple trying to conceive and one quote in it is something similar to "we no longer make love, now we just try and make a baby"- I know I have gotten the wording very wrong
My husband and I have been trying for 3 years. If I wasn't ovulating then we go straight to sleep. Our whole sex life became based on my ovulating and it no longer had the intimacy. I haven't fallen pregnant again but we have relaxed a little and tried to separate our sex life from our need to conceive- if that makes any sense.
I know what you mean with feeling rejected. I sort of expect my husband to want sex all the time, I mean that's what we are told about men isn't it, that all they think about is sex sex sex. I feel unattractive and unloved when I get turned down because it's not like I am asking often. The worst bit is when I put on something sexy and he still rolls over and falls asleep. But as my hubby has pointed out many times if his head isn't in the right place, things won't work and I'd probably feel alot more rejected if we tried and he couldn't get aroused.
I have a rule with my hubby and with my sons, if you lie to/hide things from me the consequences will be alot worse than if you told the truth in the first place. A couple of years ago my husband had been working on his laptop, I walked into the room and he closed the cover, I asked what he was looking at and if it was porn. He said no and that he never looked at the stuff. I think he actually told me he was working on a birthday card for me. When my computer crashed a couple of weeks later I borrowed his laptop and guess what I found... yep 2GB of downloaded video clips.
I was furious not because of the porn but because he lied. My first husband was unfaithful and I have major trust issues due to that.
I actually kicked him out for a week because I was so mad. I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU DO ANYHTING SO HARSH, but do make it clear you will not tolerate sneaking or lying.
I don't know what your feelings about porn are you might be like me and not like it because it makes you feel insecure (I always think, how can he be aroused by those prefect bodies etc and then by me), maybe you just find it tasteless or maybe you don't mind it at all but it's important to share your feelings with your husband.
Alot of men worry they will hurt the baby if getting intimate while pregnant which I see as a good and bad thing. Good because they are showing that already they care for the bub and worry about him/her. Bad because it's just not correct. If you have problems during your pregnancy or have a history of m/c's then you shouldn't but otherwise doctors say it helps to prepare the body for birth. It might help to get a picture of the uterus and show him that no matter what, during sex his thingy is nowhere near the baby. I have heard many times that some men believe that they could actually poke the baby in the head!! Maybe it would help if he talked to your doctor about it.
Sorry for waffling on so much, but hopefully some of this helps.

Unless you have some other reason to suspect it; please don't stress about him looking for sex somewhere else, he married you, he loves you. He is probably just a bloke who likes porn(like most), and loves his wife and baby so much that it would tear him apart if he hurt either of you.

[barney]

aww hunny i just want to hug you and say i hope all sorts its self out

i do agrre with mummy 3 boys though we have the same rule dont lie or else you get into even more trouble thats for the KIDS THOUGH if my dh was on the internet and i found out i would have smashed the computor already and thrown him out for a break just to see how he goes.but any way thats me i would never tolerate PORN LIERS,OR CHEATERS if im not enough GET OUT

ok id better stop now

[satya]

I believe it is pretty common for guys to "go off" their partners when they are pregnant, particularly if it's taken a while to get there. It didn't happen with my DF & I though so I don't speak from experience.

You need to remind him that DTD cannot cause a miscarriage (unless you have been specifically told by your doctor not to DTD). Bubs is quite safe and well away from the area that the action will be in.

If you want to get him to stop looking at internet porn tell him that your computer could end up with a virus that could make your computer pretty much inoperable. I do speak from experience with this one (and it doesn't get looked at anymore). It took a computer savvy friend to fix all the damage.

You will probably find things will be different after the baby is born. A lot of women don't feel like any action for quite a while and their partners nag them silly to get it all back to normal again.

[sushee]

DH and I had a very active sex life prior to LTTTC. Things went downhill slowly but surely once we had to DTD at certain times, and/or within certain days of the month. It got worse as we moved in IVF and were told we couldn't DTD in case we 'stuffed up' the cycle.

Our lives revolved around trying to have a baby, and sex became the thing that hindered, not helped. I know that DH still had the drive, and tbh so did I, but we became less connected with each other sexually as the years passed.

Things came to complete standstill once I fell pregnant. He was scared that DTD would 'hurt' the baby (and so was I despite knowing better!), or risk this precious pregnancy, and as I got bigger, he admitted that he did not find the big stomache attractive, esp when he could see the baby moving under the skin. He also explained that he still found me attractive, but there were too many emotional hang-ups about the safety of the baby to allow him to comfortably view me as a sexual being. I was upset but I understood.

Of course, during this time, his sex drive still existed. And I know he must have taken care of that side of things, I don't begrudge him that. I tried not to take it personally, because I know it wasn't about loving me less.

Since Charlie's arrived, our relationship has very slowly undergone a healing period, and I think over 2 years since my son's birth, healing is something that is still very much happening.

LTTTC is a life-changing event, and you and your DH will carry the scars of it, and in some cases, the scars show up in the way you're intimate with each other. I too used to worry that if he still had a sex drive, but we weren't having sex, then it was a reflection on my desireability. But the truth is more grey then that. I think passion is something that is quite fragile, and it can be easy to dampen. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, or that he doesn't find you sexy or desireable. I think it's more that the 'old' habits of sexual pursuit and game-playing stop working when you're TTC for a long time, and now you both have to learn new rules.

So yes it does happen sometimes, where an aspect of your marriage suffers as a result of LTTTC (and yes, it's often the sexual side of things). DH and I still love each other very much, but like all marital issues, we need to work on fixing our problems, and to do that, we need to be honest and open with each other. I absolutely believe that he loves you as much if not more than ever, but what his 'sexual' side needs right now is probably at odds with what his 'father' and 'husband' side wants. It's a new phase of your lives for both of you - you will eventually adapt, and if you don't adapt, as long as you talk to each other and believe what the other person is saying, you're on the right track, too.

[Michelle71]

We have had relationship *hiccups* related to a second trimester pregnancy loss and bleeding in the first trimester of each subsequent pregnancy. I know I need physical intimacy to feel secure in our relationship (my own weird anomaly) and the lack of it distresses me in many ways. Trying to get pregnant with our daughter who was stillborn took 3 years, our son took 10 months after her birth with ovulation induction drugs. There were times that he felt like a sperm donor (only said once but the words cut deep) and it was important to the long term aspect of our relationship that we actually made love, not just tried to get pregnant at the *right* time.

With the subsequent pregnancies, he has worried about adding to the bleeding with intercourse. It took a lot of talking to get that out of him. I know he loves me and I know he desires me. It is the communication that occurs during this tumultuous time that makes the difference to both of you.

[numa]

Thanks soooo much ladies for your thoughtful replies. It has helped immensely, and great to read so many different stories. The one common thread I have picked up is to keep being open and talking....

I'm feeling heaps better today, and now wonder why I was freaking so badly . I've booked in to see a counsellor to talk as I don't want to discuss things with friends or family - its too close.

Please keep the stories coming as not only do they help me but I'm sure other people have/will go through similar feelings.

Thanks

[JBM]

glad you feeling better. xxoo

[barney]

AWW NUMA IM SO GLAD YOUR FEELING BETTER
and i hope all works out wonderfully for both you and dh
ps your doing a great job hun baking that bub to !!

[Willow]

I can completely relate to this. Our DS (who was conceived via IVF after the loss of our second baby) is now 10 months old and unfortunately, not much has changed for us in this regard. It is a constant worry to me but I really don't know what to do about it - in our case it's me, not DH. After all the interventions, surgeries, stress of trying to fall prg and stay prg, I just feel like that 'sexual' part of me has disappeared. I don't know how to get it back but it's something that I'm going to have to start working on because the more time that passes, the more of an issue it becomes.

Will watch this thread with interest...it's very reassuring to see that it is a common issue.

[blizz]

Willow, I can relate to all of what you said as I am at that point as well, I really can't even make myself be intimate at the moment because I just don't have any enjoyment in the act I have just felt so lousy this PG with constant bugs and colds, and fore play just plain leaves me cold,
it is really hard as I know DH is extremely interested in this area and is constantly putting pressure on and making me feel bad(even though he says he doesn't want to put pressure on me) when I say I really don't feel like it, he gets frustrated when I give him no response, he gets frustrated..... but I really don't feel like giving a response at the time either because it really isn't doing it for me!!!!!
Think I have some issues to work through soon, but I don't see us getting our relationship needs in sync with BF as well as the exhaustion of a new baby and a 2yr old.

[jackrose]

The one common thread I have picked up is to keep being open and talking....

I've booked in to see a counsellor to talk as I don't want to discuss things with friends or family - its too close.

You are fantastic! I think this is a really good way to go.

I am not quite in the same situation as you as we are not in the LTTTC boat, but there are similarities in our relationship struggles. Our sex life suffers due to the more mundane life stressors... too tired... schedule conflict... too stressed.... too stuck in our own worries and concerns....

I think he sees me as more mother than lover now.

I understand what you say about your DH seeing you more as a mother than a lover. I have had real issues with exactly that in the past, in fact I still do! For me however it often is more of an issue in my head rather than an issue for my DH. When I am tired and fragile I have the tendency to focus on the negatives, and listen to the statements which confirm my paranoia rather than be balanced and realise that I am in a way creating my own reality! Hence, open communication is really important. It may not be that way for you guys. You may not have quite the same 'negative' self talk I sometimes have, or maybe your DH is actually having trouble with the whole mother/lover thing. (I am not saying this is the case as I don't know all the details, just playing devils advocate to think things through!) I think the best solution to this is to keep the lines of communication open. Sexuality is so often about the way we present ourselves. By that I mean that if you only play the role of mother - it may be hard for your DH to see beyond that. Perhaps if you talk to him about your sexuality and being a lover, he will seeing you in that way and you remind him of that side of yourself.

Amidst a drama and tears he told me how our infertility affected him sexually -

It is fantastic that your DH is able to identify this as a concern for him and is able to communicate this to you. But I am confused, did the infertility affect him by making him question how he felt about you sexually or about how he performs as a sexual partner? If he has concerns about his fertility, it could challenge his perception of his role in your sexual relationship which is not really related to your role as a mother or a lover. This mother/lover issues will be more likely to come to the fore with pregnancy and motherhood but may not be so much of an issue with conception struggles...??? Not sure but just a thought.

Its come out that he's been looking at stuff on the internet, which has made me feel quite anxious.

Men and their sexuality are so different from ourselves in some ways. They are said to be really visual sexual beings. ie turned on and ready to go by seeing something 'sexy'. Its like their sexual neural wiring is between their eyes and penis! See something sexy and ready to go for sex. This is why Porn is such a strong magnet for men. For women however, we tend to really need to be turned on in a 'thoughtful way', our brains have to be involved! We need to feel it, to have a 'story', to feel loved, supported, appreciated both physically and emotionally and to be touched in a way that wakens us up! And this is why porn just doesn't make sense for us!!! As a matter of fact it is often just stupid for us as there is no story line (or some flimsy plot to get to the action) and this is just insulting to women!

My personal approach to this is that I actively encourage my DH to check out Porn! I understand this is definitely not for everyone, but the way I felt is that it is something that *most* men engage in and I would prefer to have an open honest relationship and have an open discourse about it than force him to lie and cover up his interest in porn. I think that because I have not made an issue about it it has taken away the 'naughty' aspect of it which takes off some of the excitement and desire to check it out. I have checked out some of the porn he has and I am rarely offended by it. (I think he is only really into the mild stuff by porn standards). I think it has actually helped our sex lives as we are able to be open about it and he can be quite turned on to see this overtly 'sexual' side of me. (a bit like what I was talking about before of presenting yourself as a lover not a mother. Mind you, this approach is not the only way!)

I can't help worrying that it could get even worse after the baby arrives. Even now he's hesitant to have sex as he's worried he'll hurt the baby or something will happen. I'm not at all used to him not wanting me as he had a very big drive when we were first together, and I'm worried that if he doesn't desire me anymore he'll need to find it somewhere else.

It is great that you are able to air these concerns with your DH, as then he is aware of the situation and can understand where you are at. There is heaps of information on the net about why it is impossible to hurt a baby during sex. (as a matter of fact I have heard that the rhythmic movements involved in the actual act can send a baby in the womb to sleep! (Actually, prob not something he wants to think about!) Maybe if your DH is really uncomfortable you guys can find ways to be intimate without the 'actual' sex act while pregnant?

We are such good partners in so many ways and I thought everything was going great. He said he didn't want to hurt me by telling me how he was feeling, but it hurts me more that he didn't share with me so there was this sneaky element

.

This is huge, you guys have a good solid relationship, you should be fine if you keep working on this and don't let it undermine what you already have. You are so right, as are other posters here that the really big issue is the sneaky element. It hurts much more to have a partner do things behind your back which impact upon you.

Lastly (sorry this is soooo long), our sex life was pretty good during pregnancy, (I had a really hormonally increased libido!) and sex following the birth of our DD was also good (after recovery) as we felt really close and tender after sharing such a huge thing. More recently, life has just been so hectic for poor DH (2 jobs etc) and I am not coping with a badly settling baby so things are on a go-slow at the moment.... but hey, I reckon that is life! ups and downs!

Hang in there and put in the work to get over this. Its worth it! Remember, you are one sexy mumma!

[Nr3 on the way]

Wow so glad i came across this discussion. It took us 3 years to have our first child - we did not go the IVF route - think a bit in denial but also we wanted a baby but also did not want to feel the pressure of constantly trying to conceive. It was intensely private to us both and family remarks on when is it going to happen did not help until we spilled the beans that we are actually trying and them backing off would be appreciated.

Well we fell pregnant and it was great excitement - leading up to confusion and stress - i had bleeding at 9 weeks and also 20 weeks and ended in a C-section due to Pre-eclampsia.

So during pregnancy - sex life was not that great and having waited for so long it felt like a huge stress and us almost drifting apart - our baby arrived - thought things will get better but it stayed the same - then one day tried to confront my husband thought the fact that i'm breastfeeding might be the problem, my extra weight - but he did not know how to talk to me about his feelings and it all came down to him worried that he will hurt me and that he was not sure if i was ready for intimacy - COMMUNICATION IS ALL WE NEEDED - i think having waited for so long for a baby and then trying to adjust to being a mom, just finding your feet and do what should be natural to you but don't is a huge adjustment. Then still being a wife and lover you some how loose a bit of your own identity - not knowing who am i. Instead of talking we some how try to think what the other one is thinking.

I must admit we went through a pretty ruff time and even thought of ending our relationship - but things work out for the better by just talking being more open with one another - and I'm happy to say now that we are going strong - stronger than ever before and having baby nr 3 after 9 years of no contraception.

Im glad that there are other ladies going through the same scenario and truly believe being open with each other can only be good - for me i was so worried about the baby the pregnancy ext and we forget that maybe the men (daddies to be) are having more issues than us. They have us there wife/partner and unborn baby to worry about.

Wish you all the best and happy loving relationships

[numa]

I have only just checked this thread again, and it was great to read some new posts. Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to share your thoughts - I wish I could thank you all personally but my short term memory is not that good!

This has been a big thing for us to cope with, as the actual crux of the matter is that he had joined up to at least one internet dating site (and not just dating on this site). At first he told a story that is was a mistake and he was looking at travel deals, but eventually the truth came out (after a few weeks and lots more drama) - mainly because I just knew it wasn't true. The reason he joined, he said, was just to look.

So I can understand that naughty part of him looking for an outlet while our passionate sex life had ground to a halt becasue we were focusing so hard on trying to get pregnant. Also I was going through a very sad time with my dad dying of cancer, and my best friend of 8 years deciding she couldn't be my friend anymore. Things were pretty heavy there for a while.

But the real damage is the lies, the fact that he didn't come clean when I first saw the payment on a statement. The dangerous lies, that may seem quite small to the liar, can be absolutely devastating to the lied to - how do I know what is true anymore? How do I know for sure if he did or did not sleep with someone else?

And another part of me feels humiliated and ashamed that my DH would do this - the man I love and want to trust and respect. Do I actually know him?

But we are talking, and things have improved since he told me the *truth* - at least an explanation that fits, that I can get my head around, even if I don't like it. I'm relieved that he told me as much as he has, and I've told him so. At times he has been angry and hysterical, at the moment he is very apologetic and remorseful.

I hope for a happy ending to this story. He has agreed to also seek counselling and I start mine next week - maybe at some point we'll do couples counselling as well (but I need to start on my own).

In the meantime I'll keep rubbing my belly and loving our growing baby, and trying to focus on all the good things in my life.

[Mumma&Bubba(s)]

Hi Numa,
Sorry to hear about your marital problems.
After our son was born my husband lost a lot of his libido and wasn't terribly interested in intimacy for a while, whereas I was more "up for it" after the birth! (Go figure). It took some time but he got his drive and desire back, we put it down to hormones (sometimes women are the ones with the problem after a child is born and during pregnancy), apparently it's not rare for it to occur in males too. I know your husband was looking "elsewhere" but a fear of hurting the baby is common too, if anything I think (and hope) things will improve for you after your little one is born as that fear will be no longer an issue. I genuinely hope things work out for your family, communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, as long as you're both open and honest with eachother from now on you should be a very happy bunch
xx

[Mumma&Bubba(s)]

Good luck

[nic]

The first trimester was a no go for us, I had no desire, and I think DH was too freaked out to do anything either, plus there was the pessaries...and don't they just make ya feel sexy!
By the time 2nd trimester rocked around, we both felt a bit better about it, but the last trimester DH absolutely freaked out about DTD and bringing labour on. When we arrived for our scheduled c/s and found that i was already 8cm dilated...well.. you could see that DH just wanted to scream out loud - AND THIS IS WHY I WAS AFRAID TO DO IT!

I still have a bit of a dig at him about it now, and he still gets upset about it, what if we had DTD? he says. "DS might have ended up here a whole lot earlier than planned"

I can only imagine what it feels like to find out that your husband has joined a site and lied about it. I think after the emotional IVF/AC rollercoaster we ride on, that when we get off (at station pregnancy and station baby) we realise that honesty was such a big part of it all, and if it doesn't continue afterwards, then it's another shock, and yet something else we have to deal with.

I hope all works out

Nic