Help, I feel like I am going crazy

[smegs]

Hi everybody

A bit of background, it's a bit long so please bear with me. I have been TTC for about 15 years now; first with my ex-H and now with my husband to be. I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism. With my ex, we tried Clomid but it did not work for us and for various reasons we decided not to pursue TTC. With my HTB, last year we fell pregnant on our first round of Clomid but I miscarried at 8 weeks. That is how I found this forum, and I was very grateful for the support I found here. It was great to be able to speak to people who know exactly what you are going through.

We were building a house at the time so decided to leave off going to the Fertility Clinic until we had moved, which we did at the end of March this year. Since the miscarriage I have had regular periods every four weeks, very unusual for me, with cramps, which I never got before, so I was happy that my cycle seemed to be settling down. I went to a health retreat in NSW for a couple of weeks in May, and got my period just after I arrived back. We decided that on my next period, we would go back to the Clinic.

Thing is, I never did get my next period. Instead, I just found out that I am pregnant.

So I should be over the moon, right? Well, I am, but I also just can't help worrying. Not just that I might miscarry again, but I think that after so long TTC, I have convinced myself on some level that I am not able to have a baby, that it will never happen. The sensible side of me tries to convince the other side that it is not true, but after so many years of feeling 'not quite a woman', watching friend after friend after family member fall pregnant, while I did test after negative test, I am finding it really hard not to worry. I just went to the chemist and bought a test because I am afraid that when I go for my follow-up blood test it will be negative, and I wanted to check (it was positive).

So I feel like I am going a little bit crazy, and I really don't want to feel so negative. I am scared even that feeling negative will have an adverse affect on how things go. Can you see where I am going with this? Aaaarrggghhh, it's so hard!

I guess I am just hoping that these are normal feelings and that some long term TTC people who have gone through this will come along and reassure me?

Smegs x

[monnie]

Hey Smegs

Firstly...CONGRATULATIONS!

What truly awesome news...that is just brilliant...

We weren't TTC for as long as you (we were 3 years)...but I do definitely know what you mean...

I think, as part of surviving LTTTC, you do 'switch off' that part of you that 'knows it will happen'...after so many disappointments, month after month, year after year, I felt like I needed to start thinking differently...trying to think positively about a life without children, trying to 'move on'...and so when it does finally 'happen'...it's actually very very weird...and a whole mindset shift is needed again...

Even now...at 37 weeks...there's still part of me that thinks "this isn't really happening...this only happens to other people"...

I've start really watching those "huggies" ads on tv. and thinking "Oh my goodness...that's going to be me soon"...and it feels so foreign...

So I think what you are thinking (and what I'm thinking...and I'm sure what any LTTTC-er is thinking) is VERY normal!!! We've had to deal with so much disappointment and sadness around our attempts to have a baby, that to shift from that quickly, is probably not so possible...we've experienced "the other side" of TTC and realise that it's not always the 'fairy tale' of "you find someone you love, you decide to have kids and voila!!!"

But...it does get better...every day I'm more convinced that this is going to happen...and it's going to happen to me...it still seems weird and scary but a little less weird and scary as each day passes...

The only way I have got through it is to take each day at a time...and then you realise you're able to take each week at a time...and then each month...

Feel free to come and join us in the monthly PALTTTC thread...it's such a lovely place...

Wishing you a pregnancy that is filled with awe and wonder...

And again...CONGRATULATIONS CHICKIE!!!

[smegs]

Thanks so much Monnie. I feel so much better after reading your reply (and having a good cry!).

Even now...at 37 weeks...there's still part of me that thinks "this isn't really happening...this only happens to other people"...

This is exactly how I feel, that pregnancy is something that happens to 'other people', not me. I guess I will have to re-think that one, now that it has happened twice. I just have to stop worrying about what could happen, but that is easier said than done of course.

Thanks so much again for taking the time to reply to me. I will definitely check out the other thread.

[smegs]

Sorry I also meant to say, Congratulations on your pregnancy! You give me hope.

[mako]

Hi Smegs and congratulations on your pregnancy hun.

I also think your feelings are VERY normal for someone who has been ttc and suffered a loss. It does make it difficult to think positive but over time you will start to believe this is happening and you WILL become a mummy and you WILL hve a precious bub to take home and to hold on your arms.

It took me a while to accept these feelings too and I have to pinch myself everyday and make myself think positive thoughts and tell myself that I will take home a happy and healthy bub in the not too distant future.

I want to wish you all the very best for your pregnancy and know that we will be here for you when you need us to be.

[Lenny]

Congratulations Smegs.
As you can see from my sig, we were 3 1/2 years TTC and exactly 2 years of seeing a FS. Although not nearly as long as you, there were plenty of disappointments along the way. I am very sorry you had a loss along the way. It must make the journey so much harder.
It's been just over a week since we found out, and things are very different to how i imagined. Although initially (for 48 hours) we were so excited, we don't talk about it at all now...there just seem to be too many things that can go wrong. I guess once the 6 week scan is over we will feel a little better. MIVF sent us a booklet about all the things that might be going on and it was very educational, but a bit saddening. We are so accustomed to TTC, that it seems weird not to be anymore. All that stress and heartache should be gone, but the joy and elation that i thought we'd be feeling isn't there yet. I know it will come, but after all our trials, we just keep expecting something else to go wrong.
I guess what i am trying to say is...whatever you are feeling, it's completely normal. I hope with time, and by sharing your journey with those that understand, you will sound as happy and joyful as Monnie and Mako do!
I hope you have a very happy and healthy pg.
Good Luck
Jo

[Ltl Panda]

Smeg, this is wonderful news.... CONGRATULATIONS.....

please do not worry, you conceived, and you conceived on your own... It means your body has done a lot of repairing up until now, allowing you to conceive.....enjoy every minute of it.

[smegs]

Thanks everyone. I am trying not to stress. I went for my second blood test today, and will get the results tomorrow. My doctor said not to get too excited (as if!), as my hcg levels from the first blood test were quite low, so he is not actually sure that I am even pregnant. All I can do now is wait and see. Thanks again for your support guys.

[monnie]

Smegs...wishing you all the very very best...especially with the results tomorrow...

I'll be thinking of you.

Monnie

[Ginger]

don't forget how emotional pregnancy makes you as well...i have been up and down like a yo-yo, very depressed and upset one minute and content and excited at others..

[mako]

Smeg I want to wish you all the very best for tomorrow hun. Make sure you come in here and let us know how you go

[smegs]

Hi everyone and thanks again for your good wishes. I saw my GP today and the hcg levels are on 700, so definitely pregnant! Now I just have to stay pregnant! Feeling a lot happier, and trying not to stress!

smegs x

[monnie]

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!

What wonderful news...I was just thinking about you a couple of minutes ago!!!

So thrilled for you...

[Lenny]

You are definitely pregnant!!!
Huge congrats to you both!
Jo

[onthefly]

Hi
Just want to chime in with my congrats!
Tis wonderful news!!

[smegs]

Thanks everyone. My GP wants to do one more to make sure the levels are still good and then do an ultrasound. So at the moment I am just trying to forget I am pregnant until then. Otherwise I am going to drive myself mad!

[Nelle]

Smegs, I didn't try to ttc for long, but I do identify with not believing you're pregnant. I was so terrified before the ultrasound that the person doing it would say 'umm you silly git, you've just imagined it all'.
All I can advise is to write down all your symptoms, and just do a home test every few days (you know, just to see it again) - so you know you're not making it up!


Anyway, Congratulations!! You're not crazy, you're very blessed. All the best with your pregnancy.

[drbeee]

Hi Smegs,

I know how you feel, though we werent TTC for as long as you. I had a chemical pregnancy after my first cycle, and we had a after our second fresh IVF cycle. On wednesday I will be having my 6 week scan. I am so scared there will be no heartbeat.

HOWEVER I have also decided to try and enjoy this pregnancy for as long as it lasts. I think with LTTTC or AC we are so well-read and aware of what can go wrong at ALL stages, that there is a risk of going "oh, I will be excited when I get my blood test/ have my 6 week scan/ have my 12 week scan/ make 20 weeks...." and so on and so on that there is a risk that we will reach our EDD and look back and realise that we had a really MISERABLE pregnancy emotionally, when it was all FINE and we should have been enjoying ourselves

of course something might go wrong for any of us, but to think positive allows us to enjoy the experience so much more, and thinking negatively wont stop the bad things from happening

GOOD LUCK